She hugged me!

I made it through my session with Nancy with no tears and instead probably had one of my best sessions ever. We went through my entire list of regrets, appreciations, hopes for 2011 and finally a section I added- things I feel as if I should regret but don't. It was a very very personal session- I wasn't expecting her to ask for the sheet and make a copy of it. But as much as I wanted to flip our and grab the paper out of her hand...I didn't. I was glad she had the sheet which basically had all the things that have thought about in my head over and over again for quite a while. Even things I had never brought up in therapy before...I feel as if we have a great plan for when she comes back in January and I could maybe bring some of these things up with Amy as I read her the sheet this morning too.

And... I told Amy how I asked Nancy over email what would happen if I asked for a hug and Amy smiled and the end of our session- she hugged me. Towards the end of my session with Nancy I was starting to get very anxious as I had snuck in wanting a hug from her into the list of things i was hoping for. But I knew she wanted me to ask- so when I was standing up, at the end of the session- I looked at her and asked can I have a hug and she smiled and said yes. :-)  Thinking about definitely makes me very happy but also thinking about her not being here still hurts me ...

Speaking of ambivalence and wanting two completely different things at once... my ED voice is being a fucking bitch. I DID NOT PURGE YESTERDAY :) which is a good thing. I'm making a promise to myself to not purge while Nancy is gone. I made a promise to her that I wouldn't cut and I was thinking that I wanted her to ask me the same thing about purging but I decided- I am just as important as she is- I needed to make a promise to myself. It's harder for me to keep a promise to myself than one to her...

I definitely sit around and think over and over which side to listen to. I know that honestly- any sort of symptom that helps me lose weight is only temporary and being healthy is the only way to keep anything stable. Symptoms are not sustainable so why use them because once I stop using them ( which is inevitable unless I die- which obviously I DO NOT WANT TO )- my body will acclimate back to my set point where it needs to be. So why am I torturing myself for no reason? I spent the morning seeing Amy, Nancy , getting my car back and running errands...and I didn't get home until about 3 PM. I realized I hadn't eaten all day- so of course- the thought of "well then you can go the rest of the day without eating" popped into my mind... and of course I sat with that for a while. I then started to get a horrible headache so I decided I needed a nap- I didn't fall asleep but I was just laying there wondering why the fuck my head hurt and I was so tired. It took way too long for me to tie this to the fact that I had not eaten all day... fuck ED. But once I made the connection- I went and got some food. MY BODY was telling me that I NEED TO EAT.

Amy asked me today- " So why are you torturing yourself when you're already hurting?" and Nancy was talking to me about how ED symptoms are tricky- they protect you but they also torture us...

So why is it sometimes I willing ON PURPOSE torture myself? That was on my list of regrets...torturing myself.

I already miss Nancy. AND I'm super anxious about my family coming down on Sunday. I really want to just tell them I can't handle it but they are so excited about it... I just don't see it going well..but I've been avoiding it forever and I don't feel as if I'll ever handle it well...

xoxo -Lisa