I was reading Sarah's blog about work and I get that way all the time, even now. I get such anxiety before work it's insane. I know I can do it- I know what I need to do there- I've gotten good feedback but there are so many days that I just want to cry and scream that I can't, can't, can't do it before I go, days where all I want to do is hide and cry--- but gotta put that smile on and go. Time to be a big girl ( hopefully )... at least for now. I think the Stepping Stone idea that Sarah wrote about is a good idea. I've only been at this job for ... I believe today was my 4th shift and the anxiety I get about GOING- just GOING is so much. Once I'm there, I'm okay. It's just GETTING there. I wish I knew why...
I feel like the longer I struggle with food- the harder it gets. This shit has got to stop soon but there's a part of me that just wants to continue to lose. If 100% of me wanted to get better- I'd be better. I know that- where there's a will- there's a way. My mom is at a meeting right now at the Charis Center ( Center for EDs ) for parents. I'm nervous about what they are going to say about how to deal with me... lately it's been pretty difficult since I've been refusing food... yeah. I'm regressing to back how I was before I went to Rosewood- liquid calories... safe foods..
This way of life is so temporary unless I want to die from it..SO WHY THE FUCK DO I DO IT??? WHY? yeah ... Anna (my new t) would ask me the same thing...she asks me why a lot, especially if something makes me feel shity "so if [insert action] makes you feel like shit and guilty, sounds like a good idea ( sarcasm, obviously ) so why do you do it?? " I'm really starting to like her and look forward to our sessions ( even though they have to be at 7 AM ) because of work.
xoxo -Lisa
ps- haven't cut since Saturday =) HOLLA.
I feel like the longer I struggle with food- the harder it gets. This shit has got to stop soon but there's a part of me that just wants to continue to lose. If 100% of me wanted to get better- I'd be better. I know that- where there's a will- there's a way. My mom is at a meeting right now at the Charis Center ( Center for EDs ) for parents. I'm nervous about what they are going to say about how to deal with me... lately it's been pretty difficult since I've been refusing food... yeah. I'm regressing to back how I was before I went to Rosewood- liquid calories... safe foods..
This way of life is so temporary unless I want to die from it..SO WHY THE FUCK DO I DO IT??? WHY? yeah ... Anna (my new t) would ask me the same thing...she asks me why a lot, especially if something makes me feel shity "so if [insert action] makes you feel like shit and guilty, sounds like a good idea ( sarcasm, obviously ) so why do you do it?? " I'm really starting to like her and look forward to our sessions ( even though they have to be at 7 AM ) because of work.
xoxo -Lisa
ps- haven't cut since Saturday =) HOLLA.
I know what you mean Lisa. Gosh, if I could answer that question I wouldn't have had that panic attack yesterday on the way to work. I should have realised that jumping in feet first after not working since february and not working full time since october, that I might not cope so well. But I was so gung ho on it and I knew I could do blah blah. Thanks for your support too buy the way, it means a lot :)
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
Great that you haven't up since sat, well done lovely. I'm SO happy you are liking the new therapist.
ReplyDeleteI hope this anxiety you are going through diminishes it sounds horrid :(
xxx
Hey, I haven't commented before but just want to say that I really feel for you. I am very glad you haven't cut since Saturday and that you like your new therapist.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure it's helpful to focus on the Why's all the time, usually makes me more stressed out then before.
I hope that you stick with this job and that the anxiety fades. I let the anxiety control me and I ended up quitting my job and now I am absolutely terrified about getting another one.
Take care of yourself. :) xxx
Good job on not self mutilating. But in a way isn't anorexia a way of self harming...I mean it isn't good for your body. What if you ate every day of the week...2 meals per day and then to appease the ED you let yourself not eat for one day of the week. I know it sounds weird. I just wish you would nourish your body. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand that work anxiety. I used to be filled with dread before I went on my shifts when I worked at a restaurant last summer. But you kind of have to look at it like exposure therapy-- the more you "ride the anxiety wave" the easier it will get. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteGood job with not cutting. But I hope you get back on track with your eating disorder. Engaging in behaviors will just land you back at treatment, and no one wants that! Not to mention we're slowly killing ourselves. (I say "we" because I'm having a hard time too.)
Wishing you well,
NOS
Congrats on not cutting since Sat! That's *HUGE* Wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award! If you're interested in accepting, please check out my blog to find out how:
ReplyDeletehttp://bpdisme2.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/versatile-blogger-award-d/
*hugs* :D