so... for some people... that just don't get it. I'm going to be fucking frank with what life with an eating disorder is like.
It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.
I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...
I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.
Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.
NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.
BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.
xoxo -Lisa
It's not just "I want to be skinny"- It's not recovery going up the entire way. There is NO timeline and it's a marathon. You've got to train for the actual race before you can race. The race won't always go smoothly.
I wake up every morning telling myself this is going to be a good day- then it's inevitable- I look in the mirror and.... I go to sleep everynight wishing that I don't wake up the next morning. That's how my day progresses...
I stare at food all the time wishing I could eat it w/out feeling guilty. Sometimes I eat nothing- Sometimes I stuff everything around me in my face and then go and stick my fingers down my throat in public restrooms so my parents don't know. I STRUGGLE and I TRY. But I'm not perfect.
Sometimes I eat, sometimes I keep it down.
Other times I don't... not because I can't but because my willpower ended...because I gave in, because I AM NOT PERFECT.
NO ONE has any right to judge me because I am struggling and THIS IS MY RECOVERY- no one else's - IT IS MINE and if you can't accept that this is me trying and this isn't me giving up.. IF U CAN'T ACCEPT THAT I AM TRYING... then I'm sorry.
BUT I AM. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SUPPORT ME OR LEAVE ME. Your call. Not mine.
xoxo -Lisa
I choose to support you.
ReplyDeleteI can see the frustration in your words, seems most people don't truly understand how it all works. They expect a battle, they expect to support you and they expect it to be over. That's how I used to look at it a long time ago, I didn't understand. But its a battle of attrition, as you said, a marathon. The war may never even end, and people get so fucused on the 'get better fast' that they forget the 'sit back, support, and wait' aspect of it. I for one hope you can keep on keeping on as long as is require, regardless of if the light at the end of the tunnel is bright and shiney or dark and fading. Wow, I'm being all mellowdramatic here lol. But stick with it all, you have people that, just, care!
ReplyDeleteDearest, of course I am supporting you from all the way in London. Don't make me come over there to check on you! Tho thinking about it it would be nice to come to see you. I will get back to you about that idea later.
ReplyDeleteJust remember you will always have my support and I will encourage you in whatever you need.
I can hear how much you are trying and fighting. REcovery is hard, and it is a long road. I choose to support you and I have faith in your ability to keep trying and fighting.
ReplyDeleteTake care x x
Having recovered from an ED I know how hard the struggle can be and how frustrated those around you can get, which in turn makes you worse. I found that as recovery came closer, I would start to relapse less and less and not fall so far each time. I am now a lot heavier than I was when I had my ED and I look back and I can see how skinny I was, even at the end before I put my weight on. It is possible but it is very slow and you have to take it at your own pace. One day you will look back and see this moment as a passing one and I have complete faith in you, you can do this! I think the thing that I did was pushed myself just that little bit futher each time. For example, when I wanted to restrict I would look at the food I didn't want to eat and I would eat one more mouthful than I wanted to or I would force myself to take my tablets before I weighed myself [I wouldn't weigh myself unless I'd consumed nothing beforehand]. These were ways to beat the ED at it's game. You just have to find your own way and keep on pushing yourself at your own pace and be gentle with yourself!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
Always supporting you. Always. xxx P
ReplyDeleteYou have my full support, Lisa :-) And I can relate to this post pretty well - I don't think anyone from my family (except for maybe my cousin who is a psychology major and a very nice and understanding person :-) understands that there is no overnight cure for mental health problems. (Or that there is no guarantee that if you get better, it will stay like that forever.)
ReplyDeletePlease be patient with yourself and don't let other people discourage you or rush you through the process of recovery.
<>
whoops, I wanted to say *hugs* at the end of my last message, but I put it within "<<" and ">>" and it didn't get through because blogger tried to interpret it as HTML... :-p
ReplyDeleteI support you all the way from TX love! You are doing an amazing job at this fight and reading your words and your authenticity is nice. Gives me words for thoughts I have trouble expressing. You are doing an amazing job with this fight! Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise beautiful!! ~Lis
ReplyDeleteYou said it. Most people don't get it. I think it's hard for people toget it unless they've been through it. I know my parents wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it to them. Not that they wouldn't want to, but I just think that peopel can't.
ReplyDeleteI support you!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I'm enjoying the book so far. :)
Wow, Lisa. This post made my eyes water. Everything you said here I agree with (except take "vomiting" and replace it with "laxatives"). I don't know why this is so hard-- it's so hard to even want to be in the fight! Sometimes I feel like I'm engaging in a losing battle. That thought makes me want to die.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this is so hard. I'm sorry for the both of us. But at least we're not alone, right?
Wishing you well,
NOS
I think you are brave and strong Lisa and I know you can kick Thor/ED to the kerb. Hang in there and don't worry about the ignorant people who don't understand xx
ReplyDelete