Nancy M just called to check in on me. Now I'm in tears. GREAT. and I want it to stop. period.
I can write emails to her explaining in words why I feel the way I do and what it is I want to do - what the child inside myself wants to do-- 1) throw a HORRIBLE tantrum and beg beg beg her not to leave or 2) just run away. That shows what I have always done as a kid and I am having a really hard time being mature and taking care of myself. I feel like a 5 year old flailing around aimlessly. I feel like Nancy's not coming back or something. I'm legitimately scared of that. ( very irrationally ) but I am. She told me didn't think this was stupid or retarded and there was a definite reason for this--It is stirring something up in me that is causing me a lot of pain right now. Too bad I can't truly process this myself. I mean, I can and I have but I just don't want to cough up that what it really is what it is. Attachment problems, abandonment issues. Trust issues. Do I see people as they really are or do I just keep myself so far away that I can't accept anyone-- so far away that I'm missing the good while keeping myself away from what hurts ( even though it seems like I do keep running into it )
I don't let too many people truly in the way that I have let Nancy in. The hardest word and issue of my life. It's a FIVE LETTER WORD. Ends and starts with the same consonant.
In fact, it's just her- the adult figure in my life that I trust- it's hard though because it's like with many people- I believe their words and trust that they are saying what they mean. But as a whole I still don't really trust that somehow I'll end up on my own. Sometimes I want to be on my own too much and sometimes I want to be loved too much. She's the one person that I am almost there- I almost trust her. I still am scared that I will end up with her dropping me....
I have friends that I let in-- but it's not the same. Why is it so hard for me to let people in? I can write and blog all I want about what's going on in my life. What I can type/journal/write is so different from what I can verbally say or do. I can pour out my life on paper/on my blog-- but saying it to someone, admitting in words, in person that I'm flipping out, pissed and upset.
I really really want to enjoy the holidays and my time right now. I really do. I want out of this funk. I want a switch to flip. I want out of this hole. I think part of my isolation is feeding on itself---I need to get out- even though I almost can't bear to.
I really want more sunshine and smiles in my life. I really want to stop dwelling on things that I shouldn't be dwelling over. I'm going to try and just really really change things around for the better right now. I've been living and digging myself in this giant hole and sitting there hoping someone like Nancy will pull me out. She can't. She's doing all she can for me-- I can tell but it's up to me to get up. :-] I'm going to try my hardest to be symptom free while still getting by and being positive. I want to start being an adult to myself...or at least trying. The kid in me has got to stop acting out.
"I'm really going to change things around.
I'm going to make things right.
I'm going to change my attitude.
I'm going to take care of myself.
I'm going to stop being a child or at least letting the hurt child take over"- Lisa G. yes this is a quote by
me and not one from a song or someone else.
xoxo -Lisa
Middle ground would be lovely, would it not? I'm always searching for middle ground. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Camille
i'm really glad you are trying to turn stuff around now. i love when you get all positive and philosophical. it always comes at the perfect time for me...just when i want to slip back and let it take over, you always write an inspirational blog post. we must have esp or something.
ReplyDeleteand i know how hard it is to ask for help...in person. i just got through having to tell my whole story to everyone at this place...well, all the 'residents'..and they all said to ask for help and support from them when it's needed like it's nothing. and it's so much easier for me to slyly get my computer and whine about it to you via fb chat...or email my mom ranting. when i know it would be more helpful to at least...CALL my mom or someone. or even better, ask someone here...but something holds me back. and yeah. i don't know a way to help you ask for help. and i need to stop wanting to fix everything for everyone....but yeah. i hear ya on that one.
and i also miss you a bundle.
<3 <3 <3
stay strong. you deserve it. you deserve to be free of it.
This is my first time checking out your blog (thanks again for your comment, by the way). I really like your writing style and can relate to much of what you speak of (especially the feelings of all or nothing without that "happy medium"). You are very well articulate in your writing and I look forward to reading future posts. I hope you feel better. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI totally get the phrase in the picture about accepting people. I am enjoying your blog and am grateful you returned to my blog.
ReplyDeleteHoly cow, I could have written this whole post. Found your blog through Bee's and I'm so glad I did.
ReplyDeleteAsking for help is so hard. Accepting it, even harder, but when you come to rely on it and it leaves, even for a small amount of time, might as well be like the world is ending. I completely understand.
hey.love you tons :) you're kinda inspiring. lol <3
ReplyDelete