I haven't been free of the stress of everyday life in ... well ever but NO ONE IS. So that's not new news. But I'm currently being haunted by the ED demon -- I am trying to fight it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to lie and say I'm totally in recovery mode right now and things are going well...because that isn't telling the whole truth. I will say that I know things will get better. It's not going to be this way forever...I have this odd feeling of both positivity and also..annoyanceOne step at a time. slowly...I CAN climb back up again. I honestly don't want to push myself too hard because as I've learned in the past- pushing myself to go all the way back immediately will freak me out and set me back EVEN more. I need to start moving up... and this means I need to make another appt with my nutritionist because as much as I DON'T want to hear what she has to say and start doing what she's going to suggest- I need to. I need to know the small steps. I have a pretty good idea of what she IS going to tell me, but things have def changed since the last time she saw me...about a month ago. Since I decided to not hide this anymore...I AM going to be honest and start keeping a food journal again so she can monitor me. I'm probably going to have to see her more so I can...do this. I HAVE THIS SUPER LOUD VOICE going "don't, don''t" and in all honesty, I don't...but I also know I need to.
I'm just doing what I can do not let it get worse and to see how far I can push myself without falling into an endless black hole. I don't want to make the same mistakes in the past after I've relapsed so I'm not entirely sure what to do...
but on the bright side of things...at least I'm trying right? That counts for something...
Also, it's the holidays...I keep wanting to get lights and hang them around my window or do something festive...but I've never been a festive person and I'm worried my cats will probably just pull them down anyway...but as much as I do hate to admit it- I feel a little lonely. I have friends, but for some reason I wish I had holiday spirit... it just seems fun. I just don't know what it is like.also- Nancy emailed me today and she said she'd call to check in later.. :-( She didn't call... she probably will tomorrow, she always keeps her word. But just the fact that she didn't call today makes me feel a bit forgotten already. dumb. i know.
xoxo -Lisa
I know what you mean about the ups and downs, etc. I've also gone back and reread earlier journal entries and blog posts. It's nice to see how far you've come when you're in a good place at the time, but it can also be discouraging (if you were doing better before) -- or you could interpret it as you've been in a better place and you will be once again. I know you're strong, Lisa, and I believe in you. Try to stay positive. I know how hard the whole motivation thing is -- it's like a double-edged sword. As for Nancy -- I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to her and hope you get to soon. I think it's awesome that she calls to check in on you. My therapist definitely isn't the type to do that, unfortunately :( In fact, if I made such a request, we would literally spend a whole session talking about the significance of such *sigh* Ah well, different strokes, eh? Hang in there, kiddo. You got this. We just gotta stick together. Remember, I'm here for you! :) *hugs*
ReplyDeleteKnowing is half the battle, trying is another quarter, the rest is just getting there :)
ReplyDeleteI used to be a consistently happy, positive, nothing can ever get me down kind of person. I still am deep inside, but all the layers that have been building up as the years go on and things you thought were certain turn out to be old bombs waiting to explode, and the dust and debris from those bombs build up in layers and that inner soul gets buried.
I've looked back at my life, journal entries, drawings I've done, and all sorts of things; and wondered what I have to do to get back there, how far do I have to climb to reach that point again. I was getting close not very long ago, I knew it and it was great, and then another bomb went off and new layers were poured back on.
But I still want to climb out, and even if bombs have destroyed a lot of what I used to know, I know I have new people in my life, and new paths to take and try to get out of this stifling layer of soot and ash.
Where one path ends, another path begins. And all that good Jazz.
You're doing great Lisa, don't let your mind tell you otherwise.
Hope you're feeling better and stronger today, Lisa. Also, can you please add my new e-mail address (which I specifically created for my blog) to you list so I can access your blog with it? BPDisME.blog@gmail.com. Also, feel free to use that e-mail address to contact me. The same go for everyone else out there in the blogosphere! :) *big hugs* ttys! <3
ReplyDeletejust take it one step at a time, one moment...even one second at a time if you need to right now.
ReplyDeleteambivilance is a BIG one of ed's ways to lure us back to it. So be careful for the next little bit and don't let it suck you back in any further than it has!
recovery is worth it. YOU are worth it! and if you don't believe that right now, listen (and try) to believe all of the people that love you and believe in you (including ME) when we tell you how strong you are and that one day this will all be in the past. But we have to go "through" it to get out of it.
I am here for you if you ever need to talk or vent, okay? I am glad you are blogging again, and I sooooooo appreciate all of the comments you write on my blog (my old one and this new one) because it gives me a source of strength in my own recovery!
You have the strength to fight through your fears, worries, and ambivalence! Sometimes recovery seems hidden or lost forever, but it has always been with you, buried in your back pocket. Sometimes it just takes a while to find.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog!
<3
Hey Lisa, I totally getcha, I'm going through the same thing but my mom dosent want me to see my dietition any more...
ReplyDeleteLove ya girl
your beautiful
Courtney
I know exactly how you feel/: I feel all over the place lately, and I don't even know who I am anymore. The ED demon has been hard on me lately too, but that said, I'm really glad you're trying. And not letting it get too out of hand.
ReplyDeleteOh and for the no holiday spirit, how about volunteering? I'm going to do that too, to try and get me in the spirit of the holidays.