[I made one of my best friends in the world promise not to read this entry. I do not want to send anyone down a possible path of negativity when he/she is doing so well. So once again...for your own good...if you know something can trigger you- PLEASE do the right thing. Please stop reading here. ]
I'm not in a good place. No worries, I'm in a SAFE place. I'm not quitting therapy for the time that Nancy is gone no matter how much I want to right now. My eating disorder thoughts are clouding my brain. My borderline thoughts are also taking over as well.... My impulsivity issues are jumping back. I got my nose pierced on a whim yesterday while at work. hah. Well not by a co-worker but I thought about it and decided to do it....like 5 minutes afterwards. I jumped into my car and got it done and then came back to work. Picture is on the right.
I purged 5+ times yesterday. I didn't even binge. Just every little thing I ate had to come out of me for some stupid reason. I did keep some food down. I know I SHOULD not be doing this. I know which part of me to listen to. Part of me doesn't want to fight right now and I know full well if my heart and mind aren't in it-- my actions are going to follow the negative thoughts. It's one of those things that if you don't want to get better- no matter how much treatment you go through- it won't work. I'm just hoping I snap out of this. I really am but I'm entrenched right now. I don't want to be lectured...I don't want to be judged-- I just need to vent and be listened to. I know what the right thing to do is. I've been through enough therapy and groups to know. I guess my mindset right now is I'll be able to stop anytime I want to, but I know that's not entirely true although every neuron in my brain is screaming that I can. I know I wrote a possibly triggering post and that is utterly selfish of me but I really just needed to let this out. I'm sorry.
Too many things from my past are popping up in my head and I am not ignoring them or trying to numb them out--- I'm actually processing them...and that's causing me to just want to totally rid myself of my past. I can't be touched. I really can't be.
xoxo -Lisa
Doll.... This is YOUR blog. It is never selfish of you to write anything that you want to write. This is a place totally for you and your thoughts, and if someone has a problem with what you say, they don't have to read it. Forget about others and focus on YOU. Take care of yourself, love.
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Camille