how I want help but how I also want so much to just be left alone...
"The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse" - Kate Le Page
I ...don't know if I agree with this quote. I just don't. I can't think of how one of my recent horrific days in "recovery" have been better than my "best" days in relapse. I don't know. I may not be seeing the true reality of my days while I was in relapse. I can't even fathom if I'm actually in relapse now. I have no clue. All I know is that I am not ... happy or comfortable with where I am.
I hate my body. Nothing about it is comforting to me. It's not even that I think I'm fat. Okay, so the word fat does pop into my mind occassionally... but that's not even the main thing. I hate what my body does for me. I hate where it brings my head. I hate how it makes me assume things about other people. Most of all- I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS EVERYONE'S INTENTIONS .. it makes me feel like i can't trust anyone. and most of the time my fear is validated and my body is the one that betrayed me. ( yet again. woo hoo )
it leaves me lonely. it KEEPS me guarded away from everyone...but maybe that's what I want right now...well it is what I want - but ...most likely not what I need.
I've been body checking a lot lately. I have no scale to help me see what I look like ( yes, I know that's what a mirror is for, but without a number- I'm at a loss - so I just assume fat... ) so therefore I start body checking, feeling for the bones again.
The last few weeks have been extremely rough for me and I feel as if I'm starting to come to a very abrupt stop in progress recovery wise. Following my meal plan has been hell and... very unsuccessful. Buildling interpersonal relationships has been hell and... slightly less successfull that my treatment team would hope but better than it could be.
I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know how much hope in recovery I have left in me. I want to run away from the transitional living place I'm at, I want to ditch programming, I want to ditch meals...all in all- I don't know what i want to do anymore. ...although running away does sound like the best option...
so where do I go from here?
xoxo -Lisa
"The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse" - Kate Le Page
I ...don't know if I agree with this quote. I just don't. I can't think of how one of my recent horrific days in "recovery" have been better than my "best" days in relapse. I don't know. I may not be seeing the true reality of my days while I was in relapse. I can't even fathom if I'm actually in relapse now. I have no clue. All I know is that I am not ... happy or comfortable with where I am.
I hate my body. Nothing about it is comforting to me. It's not even that I think I'm fat. Okay, so the word fat does pop into my mind occassionally... but that's not even the main thing. I hate what my body does for me. I hate where it brings my head. I hate how it makes me assume things about other people. Most of all- I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS EVERYONE'S INTENTIONS .. it makes me feel like i can't trust anyone. and most of the time my fear is validated and my body is the one that betrayed me. ( yet again. woo hoo )
it leaves me lonely. it KEEPS me guarded away from everyone...but maybe that's what I want right now...well it is what I want - but ...most likely not what I need.
The last few weeks have been extremely rough for me and I feel as if I'm starting to come to a very abrupt stop in progress recovery wise. Following my meal plan has been hell and... very unsuccessful. Buildling interpersonal relationships has been hell and... slightly less successfull that my treatment team would hope but better than it could be.
I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know how much hope in recovery I have left in me. I want to run away from the transitional living place I'm at, I want to ditch programming, I want to ditch meals...all in all- I don't know what i want to do anymore. ...although running away does sound like the best option...
so where do I go from here?
xoxo -Lisa
I don't know how to help you other than to try and accept yourself. Love yourself.
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