Getting to where I am now in my eating disorder recovery

February 24th-March 1st is NEDAwareness (National Eating Disorder Association ) Week. These year's theme is "Everybody Knows Somebody" I'm going to share part of my story below. There are a few very personal things about my life that I have never mentioned online (whether it be through here or youtube).

8 treatment centers. 1 ICU stay. 1 hospital stay. This has been my last 3 years. My name is Lisa Guo. I am 24 and a 2010 graduate from Emory University. I worked hard throughout all 16 years of my schooling. However, I haven't been able to put this hard earned degree to good use. Instead, I spent the last 3 years after my graduation in and out of treatment for an eating disorder. I can't remember a time in my life where food wasn't at least on the back of my mind. My first behavior started at age 14 and it's been a spiral ever since then. Up until 2010- my behaviors were consistently inconsistent- from 2010 to 2012- my behaviors were out of control.

I was admitted to my first treatment center fresh out of graduation from college in June of 2010. Everything since then has been treatment, a job I never kept because I had to go back into treatment and the cycle just repeated. I soon realized that it was either recovery or death.

Death didn't scare me at this point. I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for quite some time and honestly at times, death seemed like to be the best option

In May of 2012 I got accepted into a masters program for clinical mental health counseling. Irony huh? It was also in May that I got an abortion and a DUI. A few days after my arrest I decided that if I were dead, things would be easier for everyone around me. I didn't see it as a selfish act- instead as me being selfLESS. I had been hoarding my medication for a long time as a safety blanket. I impulsively took as many as I could and laid down on my bathroom floor ready for the struggle to be over. I woke up a few days later in the ICU.

I spent the next week or so re-learning how to walk and basically every necessary motor skill to stay alive. The one thing I didn't learn was how to nourish my body. I was then shipped off to treatment AGAIN. I had promised myself to never have to go back to treatment however, this time- I had no choice. I was admitted to Timberline Knolls in Chicago and spent the first month angry and frustrated that I was alive. However after spending 4 months there and then 3 months stepping down levels of treatment. This time discharging was different than the other 7 times- I left behavior free and with motivation to recover. This was a new concept to me.

I am ready to live my life and I no longer want to die. A big part of my recovery has been advocacy and being active in the recovery community. I learned that the recovery community welcomes everyone with open arms. I had been making youtubevideos and blogging about my recovery for a few years, so I was aware of how supportive the online community was. However, just like any other community- there were triggers and it was something I had to watch out for. But, I had never really looked into the REAL life recovery community. Since then, I have become involved with Project Heal and am taking part in a documentary called "Someday I'll Be Okay" that will hopefully be out and ready to view by NEDAwareness Week next year in 2014.

Being active in the community has helped me realize that there is hope, there are success stories out there and that it IS possible. For the longest time, I didn't think recovery was for me- I just thought I wasn't strong enough and that others could do it but me- no, I was terminally unique and just wasn't strong enough. However, I was wrong - I AM strong enough. Since realizing this- I have been invited to be a speaker in an event on Emory's campus to share my story and help spread hope about recovery and am taking part in an alumni panel for Timberline Knolls. These amazing opportunities are things I had only dreamed of doing and now that I have the chance- I am taking them and not looking back. Now that I have seen a little bit of recovery, I want more of it. All of the trauma, pain, struggle and fighting has been worth it. I don't regret and wouldn't take back anything that I've been through no matter how painful it was/is because I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have an amazing story to share and I wouldn't have the self awareness that I do.

It has been a long and intense journey these last few years. I have had a lot of help and support. I have gained many friends and at the same time- lost many friends but in the end- as I said before- it has all been worth it. Recovery is worth it and it IS possible. Hope is out there- I just had to believe it and want it. I know I will be fighting for a long time- potentially the rest of my life. I am no longer dreading this fight but ready to take it on full force with the knowledge that I can win in the end. 

 

1 out of every 2 people know someone struggling with a eating disorder or are struggling themselves. So in honor of this year's theme ( Everybody Knows Somebody )- to everyone out there- if you know someone who is struggling- give them a hug, let them know you believe in them and support them through their fight. If you are currently in the fight, given up for now or feel like giving up- know that you're worth it, people believe in you ( even if you don't think so ) and that there is HOPE and that recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

Someday I'll Be Okay- Dr. Kim Dennis - Jena Morrow interviews

As you guys know- I've been struggling with an eating disorder and self harm issues for years. I've been to my share of treatment centers. I actually left my last center against medical advice but I was just done. I was done with life in treatment for once. Treatment provides a very safe environment and a safety bubble thus, sometimes, it's hard to leave treatment. I feel like there's a fine line between being in treatment too long/too many times (thus, being too scared to leave ) and being there just long enough to get the amount of help one needs.

The transition from the safety of inpatient/residential treatment to the "real" world is a difficult one. Much more difficult that I ever expected. I am taking part in a documentary called "Someday I'll Be Okay" -( the official webpage link is here ) that follows my life as I transition from the safety of treatment to the "real" world.

We started filming at the beginning of the year and we will continue to film until around the fall season. We are hoping to have this documentary picked up by a distributor and out by Eating Disorder Awareness Week of 2014. Eating Disorder Awareness Week is always the last week of February.

Back to the documentary- we are running an indiegogo campaign to help fund some of our traveling and for production costs. The link is Indiegogo Campaign. There are two sneak peek clips on the indiegogo site. We can't make this happen without your help! We have a lot of really important people investing their time for this documentary. With your help-this film will be epic and hopefully can make a big difference.

We have Dr. Kim Dennis on board - She is the CEO/Medical Director of Timberline Knolls.She is also on the editorial board of Eating Disorders: the Journal of Treatment and Prevention. Dr. Dennis contributes regularly to news networks, such as ABC News and CNN, other national press such as the Huffington Post, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe and WebMD, and professional magazines such as Addiction Professional and Behavioral Healthcare. She contributes a monthly column to Daily Strength. She has been featured on TLC Discovery Channel’s “My Strange Addiction” and ABC’s “20/20.” In 2011, she was featured in NORMAL in Schools' DVD "ED 101" and in the documentary "America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments."

We have Jena Morrow on board as well- She is the Timberline Knolls Alumni Coordinator and author of the memoir Hollow: An Unpolished Tale, from Moody Publishers. Jena travels around the U.S. sharing her recovery story and delivering a message of hope and freedom from disordered eating and distorted self image.Jena has participated in panel discussions at various conferences and universities, and has shared her recovery story on such broadcasts as Midday Connection, Chris Fabry Live, and Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Once again- we can't do this without your support. Fiscally or just emotionally- either I will accept and forever love you for. 

We also have a facebook page ( link is here) - feel free to "like" us if you want to follow our progress throughout the production.

xoxo -Lisa

It's Valentine's Day- let's talk about SEX

So, it's February 14th again. That wonderful day of the year where fuck buddies lovers buy condoms and pregnancy tests roses for each other and think about how great their sex love has been while knowing each other.

Is the topic of sex ever boring? Nah. So, l'm going to blab about it. Sex can be fun but can also be very hard on me. No pun intended. Sex has it's positives- it can make you feel desired, wanted, needed...an affirmation I know many people, including me, desire. Most importantly for me, sex has been about making the idiot sleeping with me my partner happy. Not going to lie- there's a deep satisfaction that comes in (no pun intended either- keep laughing ) knowing that you've satisfied someone.

That being said- I'm a girl. I've faked orgasms. I have probably faked all most of my "orgasms" in my almost 9 years of being sexually active. If you are an ex "I've gotten into Lisa's pants" person...- and did not know this about me- I'm sorry you had to find out via internet. Please don't call me and yell at me. I only did it for your ego. Get over yourself. K. Onto the more important stuff.

Sex is a weird thing- it can either open up old wounds, make new ones or potentially heal wounds.

Reasons I have had sex- in order of most common to least common or never rarely.

• I feel obligated.
• I feel guilty
• I don't know any other way to make said partner happy anymore
• I am scared he/she/it ( jk about the it ) will leave me
• I want to keep he/she/it around
• I am drunk and feel all the reasons above
• I am drunk and just...drunk
• I am bored
• I am horny
• I want to

Did any of these reasons help me heal ANY old wounds? I can pretty definitively say NO. They pretty much just opened all old wounds and made new ones on top of that or... got me pregnant. Not funny. That can be for another time. Wow, I'm really opening up in this one. Guess I'm feeling all nice and warm from that vodka loving atmosphere in the air. No really, I'm not drunk. I'm just awake at 2 AM writing about this elusive act called fucking the shit out of each other making love. (or I just might make really sarcastic awkward comments when I start to feel awkward...)

Now that we've covered all the reasons that sex has FAILED me in the past- let's make a list of all the reasons I have sex now ( haha...let's be realistic-...currently- I am currently laying in my bed ...with my cats and... no warm gushy wonderfully naked male specimen so we'll go with future- and the only male I feel like having sex with in my life is...well...that got awkward fast-let's just keep going with future ) and the reasons why sex is NOT a massive mindfuck and can actually HELP my mood and...life...or whatever.

• I want to
• I am bored and I want to
• I am horny and I want to
• I am drunk and I want to
• uhm...I want to.
• OH AND IT FEELS GOOD. yup. I'm done faking it-  it being orgasms- so if whoever you are- wind up fucking making dear sweet love to me and I .. am silently bored- then spice up your game or let me make my to-do list in my head while you orgasm. That's fine too- I have to make that list at some point... and if I sound like that lady who was behind me in line at the grocery store the other day ( don't ask- I swear to whatever is holy she was orgasming behind me- yes- i felt very awkward. )- then you're doing  good job- keep doing what you're doing.

So, I think the point I am trying to make here is- If I like you and want to fuck you get to know you better, let's have lots and lots of sex have deep conversations ...and moonlit dinners and walks on the beach? wtf. huh.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all. I get to see my cats, roommates and...the most important person in my whole freaking life- my legal drug dealer ( my psychiatrist ).Other than that- I think I'm going to go about my lovely day laying in bed watching 2 Broke Girls with my cats. Speaking of being broke- I superglued my shoe back together today. It was epic. Sigh- my life is sad.

oh and also- use condoms, take your birth control, go buy that Plan B ahead of time or have the awkward "what will  happen if I get preggo" talk.

xoxo -Lisa

Doubt, Loss, Connection and Disconnection

I know I am here. Physically. However, I don't always feel human. Sometimes, I am a body that is just walking and talking. I am an animated consciousness. I recognize the world around me.  I recognize myself - from afar It's as if my consciousness is taking a step back outside of my body. Not only am I disconnected from my emotions, but I'm disconnected from my physical self. It's like walking through a lucid dream where nothing feels real but you are still aware that you control the direction and movement of events. My body functions to live. Just to live. Nothing else. I fade in and out. I leave my body and then I come back. In other words- I'm numb, then overwhelmed, then numb again. It's a cycle. It's tiring. very tiring. It's a cycle of intensity- black and white. nothing grey.

When I'm in this state- my emotions are dead. I become numb. I had a moment this morning of feeling- I told a good friend that I missed him and that for some reason really hit me hard- unfortunately it didn't snap me back into my body for long. Just for a few short seconds. My chest tightened up and I think one lone tear rolled down my cheek. Then I was gone again. And here I am. Going in and out of what I call- "emotional consciousness". When I feel detached from my own body, it only makes sense  that others wouldn’t be attached to me when I am not even attached to myself. I have an intense fear of being forgotten. My theory- out of sight, out of mind. If I’m not around, or I am not in some form of contact/communication with them, I don’t exist in their world. Do you know how many times I've wanted to tell someone that I feel as if I weren't in their face- they wouldn't even remember my existence? I always have to hold myself back from those exact intense words. I have an extraordinarily hard time holding onto the thought that people remember me, hold me dear or care for me when I am not in their physical presence. This creates a feeling of panic and loss for something that may actually be there and I need to find a way to reaffirm these feelings in myself and others every time I am back in contact with them. It’s a maddening cycle of doubt, loss, connection and disconnection. I think, when things get too intense- when this cycle is running in overdrive without any pause- I leave my body and brain.

In therapy, I was told that this happens to protect me. This happens when overwhelming emotions become too much to handle Something will be so excruciatingly taxing--- I'll be so emotionally worn out, that I'll suddenly notice that I no longer feel much at all. When overwhelming emotions become too much to handle, I can no longer compartmentalize everything. Things start to blur together. I don't know what goes where. It's like I'm a toddler and trying to shove a triangle in the hole that is shaped like a circle. Things are out of wack- out of control in my head. 

I need something to make me feel- even if it's just physical. That's one of the reasons I cut.  It helps me remember that I am human. It fails me when it's not enough.to bring me back. I hate being here but yet it's safe. I can't be hurt here. 

"But you're still in there, Lisa. You're tucked away in a corner looking back on yourself, but you can still reach your on body again" K

I'm too scared to reach my own body. I hate being in this place but to me leaving means instability. Nothing seems safe. It's overwhelming to me right now. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Maybe I should just stay where I am.

Letter From Body - Eating disorder recovery version

When I was in treatment 2 years ago around this exact time ( February 2011 ) - we had two assignments. 

1. To write a letter to your body
2. To have your body write a letter back to you.

My first thought was ..."wtf- how do I have my body write back to me? I don't have multiple personalities, wtf"  but then I started writing- and it just flowed . 

---------------------------------------------------

I made a video last night that goes with this letter

 

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Lisa,

I forgive you, even though I shouldn't. You've put me through hell and back. I won't leave you- despite your most futile attempts to get rid of me. I will not disappear. You have abused me in so many ways in the 24 years of your life. You have starved, hurt and mistreated me. Despite this, I will fight to stay in your life. Why? Because you ARE worth it.

My legs, they were meant for carrying you around this god-awful world. They aren't too big. They're supposed to touch at the thighs. Stop wishing they didn't. Your legs aren't too long or too short. Your height is just fine. Also, stop being so mean to your legs- put the razor away. Your legs move you forward in life- literally. Appreciate them.

My arms- well without them, you wouldn't be able to write this letter or anything for that matter. They're not fat, they are just fine the way they are. It's okay, you don't need Michelle Obama arms. Again, stop being so mean to your arms. Stop taking a razor to them. They deserve better. Appreciate them.

My hands, you've always been okay with them. Thank you for that. Just please get a manicure at some point in the near future. Thank you for appreciating them.

My feet, well they're small enough that you can wear children's shoes. That makes shopping easier and your wallet happier. Appreciate them.

My stomach- moment of truth. Stop hating on it. It holds what keeps you alive. It holds the energy to keep going with life, it's called food. Stop hating on food as well. Your stomach isn't meant to be flat as if it were photoshopped. Love it for what it is. Just try and learn to appreciate it. I know it's hard, but just try.

My eyes- well without those thick glasses, they wouldn't work. So thank you for getting glasses, at the ripe old age of 5. Your eyes, well they're Asian. Just like you- your lashes will never be luxuriously long. Thank you for not putting the fake glue stuff on it. Also, try not to wear your eye make up to bed so often. If you continue to do so- you might lose the little vision you have. So, appreciate your eyes, even for the little vision they give you.

My nose, other than those annoying blackheads that don't seem to ever go away, you've never complained about it. Thanks for appreciating it.

My mouth, well without it you couldn't be the loud person you are. How would you cause the ruckus you do without your mouth? It makes you who you are. Without it, you wouldn’t be able to tell that bitch in the corner to please just STFU. Without it, you wouldn't be able to tell that non-existent elusive boyfriend of yours that you love and care for him. Appreciate that you can do that.

My boobs, well. Stop wishing they were smaller. That's not possible. They're barely there are it is. You're a grown woman, they aren't going anywhere. Just learn to accept them for what they are and like them. Men do, or so they say.

My hair- stop flat ironing it. You're Asian, your hair is straight enough. Stop dying it black, you're Asian- it's already black. Appreciate it for what it naturally is.

My brain, well. Sometimes you like it, sometimes you don't. Just accept it.

And last but not least my scars- don't let them embarrass you. However, stop making friends for them to play with. They have enough of them. Leave them alone. Appreciate the story they tell but stop adding onto the past stories and leave them be.

All in all, so even though you hate me sometimes- I forgive you. Just please try to appreciate me.

Love,

Body.

Borderine Personality Disorder thoughts...you sure you want to know?

Welcome to my brain- I advise you to get out- NOW.

-Borderline individuals feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do. 

When I feel something- I feel it down to my core- whether I like it or not. FUCK MY LIFE.

Individuals with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions can lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior

I've finally got the suicidal thoughts under control- THANK GOD.

People with BPD are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, shut them down entirely.

Well, I either feel something down to my core- or I don't feel anything at all. No middle ground. I will feel so intensely that I will shut down because it's too intense. Then nothing can bring me back unless it's  another intense situation. Lovely cycle I have going on there. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

A BPD diagnosis was strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: 1) feeling betrayed, 2) “feeling like hurting myself”, and 3) feeling completely out of control.

Is this person reading my journal? Stop it.

1. You walked away-  thus, you betrayed me.
2. You betrayed me-  thus, I'm going to hurt myself
3. You walked away, betrayed me and I hurt myself- I STILL miss you, thus- I'm out of control. 

I LIVE off control. I NEED control.  I HATE not having control.


Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them and feelings about others often shift from positive to negative after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. 

You're definitely going to leave me so I'm going to walk away first because you suck now. WAIT WHAT!?! Who said they were leaving me? NO ONE. WTF.


While strongly desiring intimacy, borderline individuals tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships and they often view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent.

Can I have a hug, oh wait- no I don't really want one. ( but no really, I do ) Oh, it's okay- don't worry about it ( YES WORRY ABOUT IT ) - okay seriously, say what YOU THINK. Stop beating around the bush. 

xoxo -Lisa

It's okay. It happens.

Don't ask me what's wrong. Just wrap your arms around me and let me know that you're there. That's all I want.

Take care of yourself. Do what you need to do with your life, It's okay if I am no longer in it. You''ll forget me- It happens. I'll deal. No matter what, I just want you to be okay.

I just want to be okay too.I just want someone who can put their own struggles aside for just one moment--one moment to let me know that I matter too. 

I want to be okay. I want you to be okay too. And if that is me being left behind. It's okay- it's worth it. I want you to be okay. I can handle it. I'm used to it. You need a life change and I'm part of your old life. I've heard this before. I can handle it. I can handle anything- I'm on my own this time. Again.

BUT, just one more thing- 

xoxo -Lisa