My room is a mess and so is my head

I left this morning at 9AM to go to therapy and then I ended up out all day. I'm so exhausted. My room is a fucking wreck. There are clothes everywhere and my stuffed animals are all over my room. I always get irritated and overwhelmed when my room is messy and that makes me NOT want to pick up my shit. I just want to scream.

I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but my therapist isn't sure that I have it. She said- she knows immediately when she is interacting with someone with bpd and she doesn't get that feeling with me. Especially because my behaviors act up with intimate relationships. I can control my emotions to a much better degree in other relationships. So- intimacy issues now- great. We're working having me learn how to control my emotions in intimate relationships. How to breathe and take a step back before reacting. If I had done that...I probably ... wouldn't...be... in the situation I'm in  right now.

I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted  to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT.  However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.

So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)

My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.

xoxo -Lisa
 

Wait...Recovery Loading...

The week was rough, to put it lightly. I went down to Emory ( my alma mater ) and spoke to a group of college students about my journey to recovery and what I believe can help others. I spoke about recovery.  It's different this time. I want recovery.

I've been speaking about that a lot lately with others. Through whatever social media site it is- it's amazing to know that my experience can mean something to someone else. It still astounds me when someone tells me that I touched their lives. However, I love it when people send me emails or messages saying that I've touched their lives and they appreciate what I've said. Frankly, sometimes I don't remember certain conversations I had with someone and they thank me for what I said months later. These are the things that keep me going - with this blog and my YT channel. These are the things that help me push through the hard days when there is a camera shoved in my face ( for the documentary). These are the things that truly are helping me want to live again and have a future. So, for those of you who have contacted me- thank you. SO MUCH. It also goes the other way around. Other people can just say the smallest thing and it can make such a huge difference to me. I thank everyone who has listened to me bitch, cry, scream and just rant and speak. Emotions...yeah- that's a new concept to me. I can finally cry again after months of not being able to. 

However, sometimes I feel like such a fucking fraud. Yes, I know- recovery isn't perfect. There will be lapses, hiccups and A LOT of screw ups along the way. However, I feel like I should be doing better. I worry that people see me as someone who is doing better than I actually am. I fuck up. A LOT. I'm far from being recovered. I'm fighting harder than I have before. A lot harder and that's what matters to me- I just don't want anyone to have a false impression of me.

I am human. I am recovering from an eating disorder- I have a TON of work left to do in therapy. I see myself being in therapy for quite a few more years if not longer. I have so much work left to do. Thinking about it sometimes is just overwhelming. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I just want to be honest with everyone about who I am and where I am in my recovery. I am 27 days self harm free and 3 days purge free. I can't say I'm following my meal plan to a T but I'm trying to get in the nutrition I need. I'm doing what I can for now and I have a long way to go. But I am going to do it. I'm going to make it. Why? Because I want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Someday I'll Be Okay Trailer

'Someday I'll Be Okay' is a documentary that follows 25 year old Lisa (ME!!!) on her path to recovery from an eating disorder after leaving the safety of residential treatment for the "real" world. 

If this trailer touches you in any way, please, please consider becoming a funder through our indiegogo campaign. We can't do this without you.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/someday-i-ll-be-okay-documentary/x/2247779

xoxo -Lisa

Going back to Timberline Knolls

March 1st 2013- It's a Friday morning at Lemont, IL- about 9:30 and after taking a few lost turns- I was walking into the admissions building at renowned treatment center Timberline Knolls.  I had discharged from Timberline Knolls (TK) exactly 5 months ago on October 1st. I have already been called a veteran in eating disorder treatment. Why was I returning to the same treatment center I had spent almost 4 months of my life? For once, not because I had relapsed but I was back- as an alumni- a guest. One that was now shooting a documentary following her recovery process- Someday I'll Be Okay (SIBO)- and one that had been invited from the alumnae coordinator to be part of an alumni panel as an ending event for NEDAwareness Week.

I was given a guest sticker- before I even got a chance to stick it to my shirt- I heard my name being called- I turned around and it was the alumnae coordinator-Jena Morrow-( talented author, singer, etc http://www.jenamorrow.com ) and one of the eating disorder specialists that had led some of the groups I was in. I turned around and immediately was given a huge hug. Of course I wasn't going to turn down a hug from someone I really looked up to and liked. Afterwards, I was led to Dr. Kim's (Kimberly Dennis ) office- but not as a resident- as someone who was helping with the SIBO interview that she had agreed to do. Then we got a chance to interview Jena as well. She was then amazing enough to escort us around campus.

Jena and I

Later I would go to the art studio and was given a chance to mod-podge as I used to twice a week as a resident. Art therapy was one of my favorite groups at TK and other than process group- the only group I never missed. Not once. In fact, I went to every open art group that I could go to as well- which meant I was at the art studio around 3x a week. TK's art studio is amazing and one of the few art studios in the country ( for treatment ) where there is so much to do and one is allowed to do whatever they chose. Art was a group where I could just breathe and process things throughout a different venue. I made some things in art that were truly personal. I had a bad habit at first or rushing through things so I could have a finished project by the end of each session. I eventually learned to slow things down, breathe and be okay leaving the art studio without a finished project in my hands. I learned a lot of things in that room which apparently was an old barn heh. Every resident is given a clear stone with a word painted on it by their art therapist. When I left, I was given a stone with the word trust. I walked into TK not trusting anyone- I had the belief that I would be there long enough to "fix" myself. IE- learn how to want to live again- and then leave. I didn't intend to make friends, connect or gain any weight ( oh was I wrong- about all of them, especially the last one hah )

We were then escorted by Jena around campus and we filmed at a few places. It was nice because nothing was staged. The screen shots that we got were all candid. The conversations I had with Jena weren't even prompted. I just had a great time bonding with her. She seriously is a great support as well as just all around- a fun person.

Bridge at Timberline Knolls ( this was NOT staged- we're just that awesome)

After that was the alumni panel. That wasn't all that eventful. I was lucky enough to see my friend Maddie there. I haven't seen her since I had left TK in October. Seeing her was amazing and nostalgic. On top of that nostalgia- seeing some of the staff members that really made a difference in my life also hit me harder than I thought. I was sitting up in the dining hall with a bunch of eyes on me ( well that and on crochet hooks...[inside TK story] ) when I got an overwhelming urge to burst into tears because I was jealous of the girls that were wearing their pajamas holding weird looking white hats and carrying around a Timberline Knolls tote. I still have the tote, in fact, I have it with me right now but I don't use it to carry around the blanket or scarf I'm crocheting. Oh yeah- and the notes I got from group... but mostly yarn. I just got really emotional but I couldn't exactly burst into tears while on an alumni panel. Afterwards- I ran towards the staff members that really made a difference in my life and basically tackle hugged them. They told me how proud they were of me and that put a huge smile to my face. I gave Maddie a hug and I left campus. This time in a car heading towards my apartment in Chicago. Last time I left TK was in a big white van heading towards transitional living in Chicago. Things have changed. A LOT.

I spent about an hour later that night crying because I missed TK so much. However, going back to TK really helped remind me why I wanted to get better when I left. I wanted to go back and work at TK. I forgot about that goal. Well, not forgot but it had become a distant thought. It's back on the forefront. I had been struggling for the last few days about if all this hard work regarding recovery is worth it- if I was in recovery or relapse or just limbo. I haven't been perfect  lately- in fact- far from it. My body image is down the shithole. I haven't been sober of all behaviors but yet- I have more good days than bad days. That's what matters.

As long as the trend of having more good days than bad days continues- I'm okay with it. I do want to go back to TK- however, not as a resident- I want to go back as an alumni for a while- and then hopefully, if it's still what I wish to do in the future, as part of the staff.

I miss Timberline Knolls, I can't deny that. Timberline Knolls changed my life- in fact- saved my life.

Going back with a guest badge- not going to lie- it seems surreal. But it's not. I am now a guest, an alumni- I am no longer a patient. It is not a place I need to be anymore. I needed it at one point. In fact, if I hadn't had it- I don't know where I would be.

For now though- I will stick with what it is I have. It's working for me. I just need to breathe more and stay in the present.

xoxo -Lisa