CAN I JUST ASK ONE FAVOR FROM YOU?

I really just have one request right now: I have noticed that somehow people are reading my blog again or people I now know have found it . People who have known me PAST my struggle and weren't aware/part of it.

 SO,

PLEASE NOTE THE DATE of the entry. 

I haven't updated regularly at all this last year...or really the year before that. So, yes- a lot of this blog is me struggling and trying to figure things out. Which, I am still doing but figuring out who you are- it's a life long journey AND it isn't easy ( Thus, struggle ).

So, before you make any judgements about ME - 

WHO I AM NOW ON

NOVEMBER 18, 2014 at exactly 6:53 PM (now it is 7:13 actually...because I kept writing...)

 but

 NOTE THE DATE AND YEAR OF THE ENTRY. 

the entry might be the 14th entry (not counting this one) and thus, seem like it happened recently when in reality... ( I don't know what my 14th entry is....*going to go look it up*  ) this 14th entry- it's actually a good one- go read it lol    AUGUST 27, 2013 - so OVER A YEAR AGO. So, if I were updating regularly (like a good blogger would.... sorry guys...) then the 14th entry might be the entry from 2 weeks ago ( if I updated daily ) or 3,4,5 weeks...etc....You get my point- just look at the date.

BUT- THAT ENTRY IS ACTUALLY A REALLY POWERFUL ONE IN MY OPINION.  <--link so go read it haha.

So, please my lovely lovely soldiers in recovery - or just someone reading my blog- please note the date of the entry. 

TODAY  -this is me - I am at my stable goal weight and have been for about a year if not more- am sober of all behaviors- have my emotions stabilized -  AND GUESS WHAT- THAT IS JUST THE RECOVERY PART OF ME.

TODAY- -this is also me- I am 26 and I live in Chicago with 2 cats. I am a graduate student getting my Masters of Secondary Education to teach high school science. I AM A FRIEND, DAUGHTER, SISTER, AND ANYTHING ELSE I WANT TO BE.

ENDGAME HERE : I AM FREE.

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorders and My identity

I really don't update here much (obviously) and it's mostly....that I've built a life for myself outside of my eating disorder and other stuff. I didn't really do it on purpose in a way..

AND I think that is what recovery is- leaving the eating disorder/other disorders behind and make a life for yourself - an identity that is just YOU.  And when it happens when you don't even really realize it- that is the goal....

I update my instagram a lot : username - blowsofmercy


xoxo -Lisa

*mindblown*

For personal reasons I just blog stalked myself. Jesus Christ/holy shit/ wtf  is all I have to say.

Also: why does defragging your computer take so damn long? It's on 3% and it's been defragging for a good few hours...

But back to the original point- there's some crap written here that I had 100% forgotten about and one post from 1.5 years ago in particular I am going to have to be reading to a certain therapist of mine...


xoxo -Lisa

I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got

The quote in the title is a pretty depressing thought isn't it? Yet, it's so incredibly true...it's terrifying how true this is.

It encompasses my entire last decade or so of my life. I was speaking with a friend earlier this week about how eating disorders or just any sort of addiction - it lures you in. It tells you that that's the solution to everything and that life will be better with it around.

And you know what? FOR A WHILE IT IS. For a while, my eating disorder, depression and whatever the hell else- it kept me alive because that was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain I felt. I've written thank you good bye letters to my eating disorder god know how many times. yet, I  don't know how sincere they were because I knew what I was supposed to write so I wrote it. But, I never gave it up - I still felt like I have control over it and that I could function and use it to better my life- to find that "peace of mind" - I wanted to know in my head that I was a hard worker and had something to show for it. I wanted to be valuable and useful - to myself- and of course others but others say all sorts of things and yes, they are flattering but I want to have peace within myself. I want all the"skeletons" to shut up and I want to just know that I am valuable. But, did tearing my body apart in more ways than one achieve that? NO. Did the pain of things that have happened to me/that I did to myself go away? Nope, I numbed them out- but that also numbed me out. It wasn't a win win. It wasn't a way to live.

"So when the pain of your mistakes keeps you awake,
And all your skeletons rattle in the chains,
Intoxicated by the fear and the flames,
There's paranoia in your veins." - Lying to the mirror - Gabrielle Aplin

I promise this song isn't as dark as these last few lyrics

It wasn't until almost a year ago when I was thinking about all the goals I set out to reach- goals that I knew would deine me- and how many of them I reached...

The first one that came to mind was

1. Reach the double digits in how much I weighed in lbs. DONE.

So....did weighing 89lbs calm my brain down and convince my that I am a hard worker and can reach goals when I set my mind out to do it? NO. It didn't do shit. All it did was make my memory foggy, my brain unable to function at the best of it's ability and land me back in treatment for the 8th time.

All I wanted- for a long time...and still even now- I want something to show for the hard work that I do- whether it is for school, job or otherwise and to me... one easy way to do that was- oh hey, I'll lose weight and I can literally see the numbers on the scale go down to prove to myself that the work I am doing is paying off. I needed to validate to myself, that my work ethic could be shown- so that I COULD mean something to someone and more importantly, myself and my family. But the family issue- that's for another time ( maybe )

So, here is where one might ask- why not do it via school?? Well, I grew up where it was expected of me to do well. So, doing well wasn't a validation= instead it was pressure. And because it's how I was brought up to think, I just worked hard because it was expected of me. I still, to this day, struggle with letting go of letting grades run my life and define me. Still working on that one. 

BUT it's sad that my biggest goal in life for years was to reach at the most 99lbs. Funny how one day the goal was 99 and a month or so later- maybe not even that long- 100 lbs seemed so daunting and ridiculous that I never wanted to be there again. Funny how quick things can change. 

So, what gives me peace of mind now? I know destroying my body didn't work and now I'm dealing with the consequences of that now and it's hell. 

So, once again, what gives me peace of mind now? It's quite simple actually.

The I have an identity outside of "Lisa with an eating disorder" 

AND IT FEELS AMAZING.

yet, I'm not going to lie- sometimes I miss it. I'll never forget it and I'll never forget what it did to me and I'll never stop helping others or sharing my story but the ending of my story is slowly changing- it's slowly evolving into recovery...not just- I want recovery and I'm really working hard at it. While I am doing those thing, I am also building a life for myself, one I don't want to lose. If I relapse, I lose it. It's that simple. Yet, someone told me recently "You have absolutely not reason to be depressed" That is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard in my life. Depression and other mental struggles or just emotions in general- they are valid. All emotions are subjective. I might look like everything is perfectly together and there's really nothing REAL for me to worry about. Yes, I am grateful for a lot of things I have but..there's still part of me that is hurting so I have reason to feel whatever the hell I am feeling and so are you. 

There are certain things I feel one should never have to justify to others because they're deeply personal.

1.weight

2.emotion

3.relationships

I've grown a lot in the past 3 years. I don't take shit nor do I play games. I've done it in the past and I've been wishy washy and unsure about things but I am not running towards trains wrecks nor am I allowing myself to get walked all over. There are thing sin my past ( keyword :PAST ) that some people don't want to deal with- which is perfectly fine by me.  I've known for years that I'm the type of person that someone likes or dislikes- I don't get much of an in between. I've been told I can be intimidating...which I find hilarious because- yes, I'm not shy but I hope to god I'm not scary... oh well, another thing to work on..

But, let's face it- I've been neglecting this blog for the last year. I've just been randomly popping in and out to babble about random stuff. So, I've probably lost a ton of readers but that's not what this blog is about. If you're reading- I hope this somehow helps or at least entertained you in some way. But, this blog is for me. It's a way for me to relect and I should reflect more often...maybe I'll stop by more often...who knows? Or maybe I'll journal in my actual journal more. I don't know. That's something I'm learning to do - just go with it. Obviously don't throw myself into an oncoming train wreck- but just go with things.

Well, I had more to say but my cat just took a shit in the litter box and it smells horrible so I'm going to go remove that shit from my apartment. No pun intended

xoxo -Lisa

Exactly 365 days ago...

I was randomly scrolling through my blog looking for something and instead found something from this entry on my blog (it’s below as well)  --- I have gone through and crossed out what is no longer true and what is now different is in bold. Life has changed a lot and yet not that much and time has also gone by surprisingly fast.
365 days ago, I wrote...

" Last year TWO YEARS AGO around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.

Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit laying in my bed alone on a Friday night and being 98.65% okay with it., working part time a full time student, looking into ACTUALLY getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.

My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend someone who has learned to love herself, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover.  Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.

Chicago sunset taken by me on 5/11/14

Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay things ARE okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things might change and not be that okay, the okay that I’ve faught so hard for. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay and will be no matter what. This okay feeling will just has continued. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be."

It’s been 365 days- things have changed a lot more than what I can write down here and yet, things haven’t changed that much at all and for once- that is a good thing. I was in a good place on May 16, 2013 and you know what? It is May 16, 2014 and I am still in a good place. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say - That ONE YEAR later, I am still in a good place. 

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT –one very important role in my life has not changed- I AM STILL NO LONGER PLAYING THE SICK ONE- however, other roles in my life have changed - and relationships have changed as well. I have loved and lost a serious relationship but I've built a love for myself instead. I have changed boyfriends ( the current one is a bit elusive to say the least hah. Joke? Did anyone get it? ) , therapists, apartments and friendships have somewhat changed. I still live in the gorgeous city of Chicago and I'm finally learning my way around (1 year later..) and where the beautiful spots by the lake are. 

"The marks humans leave are too often scars"

I admit, I haven't read a single John Green book- however, I have watched many of his videos on the VlogBrothers Youtube channel :)  but I really love his quotes... just felt like this was a good/appropriate time to share these quotes...
 

xoxo -Lisa

Why Be Afraid?

 "Although painful to look back on I share some of my story with the hopes that it helps someone. I would not wish this struggle on my worst enemy but at the same time I am grateful that I went through this in some way. When you go through a life threatening circumstance so young in life it humbles you. It makes you realize you have a second shot at life- don’t waste it. I learned a lot about myself recovering and I mostly learned to not be afraid in life. Things we think are so big: job interviews, college applications, asking someone out. Why be afraid? When things scare me I think of how I could have lost my life but I didn’t and nothing else seems scary or too hard to face. I am not going to let any opportunity pass by without giving it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? Embarassment? Disapointment? You can handle those things. Trust me- life, love, happiness, going after your dreams- they are all well worth the risk. Life is short- live it FEARLESSLY." -Christina Zapata - article below



http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

 http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

xoxo -Lisa

feelings aren't always planned

yesterday went really well.

today was going really well.

now I am sad. It came on randomly. I'm having a hard time remembering why everything that just happened was the right decision. I need to remember somehow- maybe write it down.

sigh...


xoxo -Lisa

Sleep? what is that?

I don't know- ever since the break up- I haven't been wanting to go to sleep.

I got back from a crazy busy day around 9:30 PM- skyped with a good fiend for an hour or so

then decided to lean my entire apartment top to bottom. And then... I don't know what I've done the last 30 minutes. I know I'm tired but I just don't want to go to sleep. Maybe it's because I know when I wake up , it's another day that's added to my life without Brian. And you know what, that's okay... after speaking with my therapist ( who I've seen 4 out of the last 6 days but it's helped SO much ) I've realized that it wouldn't have worked out. We didn't have any surface problems at all but he was co dependent in the sense of always letting me do or say what I wanted probably because he was scared I'd relapse if he said otherwise ( def of co dependent ). I miss him and I have no resentment towards him. In fact right now, I'm worried about him but....I just need to stay busy...

but not too busy to where I might have a nervous break down and yeah...


xoxo -Lisa

It's not the first time

This isn't the first time i have had a relationship fail. however, it i the first time that i was coaxed into trusting to not believe my gut and believe that people can change and grow up- that they aren't always what they were in the past. i still do believe that. Just no longer in my particular situation.

Everything you promised you wouldn't do again- well- almost identically- it's happening and I can't even bring myself to resent you for it. fuck me.

Just for those of you that are worried, i'm safe, I'm fine- whatever, I'm not planning on jumping in front of a train-I am however happy that they are replacing the old dominic's at DePaul with a whole foods. Random? Sorry- that's how my mind goes.  But right now- I wish I could be angry but I can't. And I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every damn night. FUCKING SICK OF IT. and if my parents happen to be reading this for some reason  ( which I hope they haven't found this blog but who knows)- going home- moving home for a bit- how is that going to help? I'll just fall asleep crying in Indiana where I have no support other than family instead of Chicago where I have way more friends than I originally thought.

 xoxo -Lisa

I never know...

I just found this randomly on an unpublished post I had written- this as written about 2 months ago.

[It seems strange that there are so many things that I just forget / don't think about and then they randomly pop up into my head. My head is all over the place and I've been trying to just muffle it all out with binging on tv shows on netflix/hulu or just other places where I can watch them.

School has started and that means I have a lot of things that I should be doing/reading and yet- I just can't bring myself to full do any of it. I don't want to is part of the problem. I'm tired and just want to sleep for months. Who is to say I'm not suicidal anymore? I've just resigned to needing to live for others. Nothing for myself- I don't know why I would live for myself- still. Not sure. ]

and that last sentence has rang true for ... as long as I can remember and the more people I lose in my life- the less I feel I need to stay okay for.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm not sure anymore

My brain is foggy.

My guard was let down- I wouldn't change anything

First off, I haven't updated in a ridiculous amount of time so if anyone is still even reading this- I apologize for my absence. I really do think I will continue to update/process through this alot more.

Life has been and is good. It really is.I let my guard down and most of you readers/friends know how hard that is for me- and well, I got hurt.I cried for god knows how long. Eventually ( obviously ), I stopped- talked to a good friend of mine that I've known since high school- who also happens to live a few blocks away now. She stated a lot of facts- objective facts that really helped me. When two people aren't on the same page or potentially almost in different books: you're going to have problems and the inevitable will happen- unless someone changes drastically and I don't think that's fair to either party

My 10 months ( which might not seem long to some ) relationship that I had a lot of hope in ended- almost exactly 48 hours ago. We talked things out- I got the closure I needed even if that meant hearing answers that I KNEW would hurt and yes, they did. A LOT. But, it needed to be said for me to be able  to focus on other things and not wonder "what ifs" because those two damn words can drive anyone nuts.

It's weird because I have random moments of just being ready to burst into tears but I have moments already where I realize that I am glad to have my weekends free to hang out with certain friends and to get to know them better. But, then I felt bad for liking that. I do however, foresee a wide range of emotions coming on soon..


For the first time in my life where I lost someone that played a huge role in it- I don't regret anything- I don't regret letting him in, I don't regret believing him ( even if in the end it didn't work out because I know he really wanted to believe himself as well ). If I had the choice to do it all again knowing the exact outcome- I wouldn't change a thing because our good memories were SO good that I don't have any desire to ever erase them. I can't even remember many bad memories...at all- except the break up but even my friends have stated- this is one of the smoothest break ups she's ever seen.

The picture on the right seems very sad at first glance and yet to me it is positive. Also, this caption speaks a lot to me- especially at this moment in my life.

Life happens- I don't have much  more advice then- go with what happens and attempt to learn and grow.

xoxo -Lisa