Going back to Timberline Knolls

March 1st 2013- It's a Friday morning at Lemont, IL- about 9:30 and after taking a few lost turns- I was walking into the admissions building at renowned treatment center Timberline Knolls.  I had discharged from Timberline Knolls (TK) exactly 5 months ago on October 1st. I have already been called a veteran in eating disorder treatment. Why was I returning to the same treatment center I had spent almost 4 months of my life? For once, not because I had relapsed but I was back- as an alumni- a guest. One that was now shooting a documentary following her recovery process- Someday I'll Be Okay (SIBO)- and one that had been invited from the alumnae coordinator to be part of an alumni panel as an ending event for NEDAwareness Week.

I was given a guest sticker- before I even got a chance to stick it to my shirt- I heard my name being called- I turned around and it was the alumnae coordinator-Jena Morrow-( talented author, singer, etc http://www.jenamorrow.com ) and one of the eating disorder specialists that had led some of the groups I was in. I turned around and immediately was given a huge hug. Of course I wasn't going to turn down a hug from someone I really looked up to and liked. Afterwards, I was led to Dr. Kim's (Kimberly Dennis ) office- but not as a resident- as someone who was helping with the SIBO interview that she had agreed to do. Then we got a chance to interview Jena as well. She was then amazing enough to escort us around campus.

Jena and I

Later I would go to the art studio and was given a chance to mod-podge as I used to twice a week as a resident. Art therapy was one of my favorite groups at TK and other than process group- the only group I never missed. Not once. In fact, I went to every open art group that I could go to as well- which meant I was at the art studio around 3x a week. TK's art studio is amazing and one of the few art studios in the country ( for treatment ) where there is so much to do and one is allowed to do whatever they chose. Art was a group where I could just breathe and process things throughout a different venue. I made some things in art that were truly personal. I had a bad habit at first or rushing through things so I could have a finished project by the end of each session. I eventually learned to slow things down, breathe and be okay leaving the art studio without a finished project in my hands. I learned a lot of things in that room which apparently was an old barn heh. Every resident is given a clear stone with a word painted on it by their art therapist. When I left, I was given a stone with the word trust. I walked into TK not trusting anyone- I had the belief that I would be there long enough to "fix" myself. IE- learn how to want to live again- and then leave. I didn't intend to make friends, connect or gain any weight ( oh was I wrong- about all of them, especially the last one hah )

We were then escorted by Jena around campus and we filmed at a few places. It was nice because nothing was staged. The screen shots that we got were all candid. The conversations I had with Jena weren't even prompted. I just had a great time bonding with her. She seriously is a great support as well as just all around- a fun person.

Bridge at Timberline Knolls ( this was NOT staged- we're just that awesome)

After that was the alumni panel. That wasn't all that eventful. I was lucky enough to see my friend Maddie there. I haven't seen her since I had left TK in October. Seeing her was amazing and nostalgic. On top of that nostalgia- seeing some of the staff members that really made a difference in my life also hit me harder than I thought. I was sitting up in the dining hall with a bunch of eyes on me ( well that and on crochet hooks...[inside TK story] ) when I got an overwhelming urge to burst into tears because I was jealous of the girls that were wearing their pajamas holding weird looking white hats and carrying around a Timberline Knolls tote. I still have the tote, in fact, I have it with me right now but I don't use it to carry around the blanket or scarf I'm crocheting. Oh yeah- and the notes I got from group... but mostly yarn. I just got really emotional but I couldn't exactly burst into tears while on an alumni panel. Afterwards- I ran towards the staff members that really made a difference in my life and basically tackle hugged them. They told me how proud they were of me and that put a huge smile to my face. I gave Maddie a hug and I left campus. This time in a car heading towards my apartment in Chicago. Last time I left TK was in a big white van heading towards transitional living in Chicago. Things have changed. A LOT.

I spent about an hour later that night crying because I missed TK so much. However, going back to TK really helped remind me why I wanted to get better when I left. I wanted to go back and work at TK. I forgot about that goal. Well, not forgot but it had become a distant thought. It's back on the forefront. I had been struggling for the last few days about if all this hard work regarding recovery is worth it- if I was in recovery or relapse or just limbo. I haven't been perfect  lately- in fact- far from it. My body image is down the shithole. I haven't been sober of all behaviors but yet- I have more good days than bad days. That's what matters.

As long as the trend of having more good days than bad days continues- I'm okay with it. I do want to go back to TK- however, not as a resident- I want to go back as an alumni for a while- and then hopefully, if it's still what I wish to do in the future, as part of the staff.

I miss Timberline Knolls, I can't deny that. Timberline Knolls changed my life- in fact- saved my life.

Going back with a guest badge- not going to lie- it seems surreal. But it's not. I am now a guest, an alumni- I am no longer a patient. It is not a place I need to be anymore. I needed it at one point. In fact, if I hadn't had it- I don't know where I would be.

For now though- I will stick with what it is I have. It's working for me. I just need to breathe more and stay in the present.

xoxo -Lisa