If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?

What would I tell myself? I would tell myself one thing

• Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you. 

I've actually been struggling quite a bit recently- it's a hard hole to get out of. I feel so helpless and useless to those around me that are also struggling.I want to fix things- I want to help others, but I know I can't. That's painful for me. I am so angry at this disorder and how much it sucks out of beautiful intelligent people. I just want to like myself and not feel so lonely and stuck in my own head. I want to be alone but yet I want someone to be with me.

I'm so damn tired of fighting this battle. I feel like I can't do it anymore- I refuse to go back to treatment- I'm theraparized out. I'm sick of intensive therapy but it would be nice to feel "safe" again- to feel like I am being taken care of and to now have to worry about all the complicated parts of growing up.

In the last year- my life has changed so much. However, that just reminds me- things are always changing- nothing is permanent. Good things are permanent but yet that means bad things also aren't permanent. Life is always changing. 

For everyone out there that's struggling with something- hang in there. Please don't give up.

xoxo -Lisa

What I Secretly Want...

This was a prompt for one of my groups while in treatment.What I Secretly Want: The very first thing that came to my head was

"to be a wife and mom" !(@*&!P(*#&!(P@*! 

WHAT?! NO.

you're probably thinking- why is that what you secretly want- don't most people want relationships...well... wanting a family is not how I was raised or what I've been aiming for in my 24 years of life. My entire life has revolved around an education which was supposed to lead to a career. NOT NEEDING RELATIONSHIPS with people- not for personal reasons. OH NO- that is NOT OKAY. It is okay to have a career as a goal- it's not okay to want a family as a goal. I can want a family- sure- why not- but not REALLY "want" it- I can't let any sort of happiness/emotions ride on relationships- my happiness is only allowed to ride on what I can control. But, yet- that's not how it's working- I guess that's not how life works...

So, when that was the first thought that came to my head- i panicked, left the group room and didn't go back ( yes, very therapeutically productive- I know ).  It's scary. It's scary as hell to know that what I want-deep down- is someone to take care of me and someone for me to take care of. I want something stable and this involves...NEEDING OTHER PEOPLE ( this is a concept I've fought for a long time with my therapists ). Needing someone- having needs, that makes me needy and high maintenance- I don't want to be that. But, I am- I have to accept that. I am needy. I am a sensitive person and I ... have needs ( that painful to type...) I want someone to hold my hand, someone to hug me and tell me that it'll all be okay ( and that too was painful to type...)

A career goal is concrete- I can work hard at it and achieve it.  I can't "work hard" on relationships and have a family, relationships, etc come out of it. There is no formula for it. Nothing is guaranteed..it's completely out of my control.

A career/educational goal isn't. I study for a test- the time and quality of my studying should correlate directly with my exam score. Yeah- that's not how it works with relationships- someone else is involved-  it's not something that I can complete control over. It's not concrete. IT IS SCARY. It's growing up. It's part of living in the real world where things are more than just me and what I can control.

So, now that I've realized this- what am I supposed to do about it? There isn't anything I CAN do about it- that's another annoying thing about wanting relationships with people and needing people in my life- I can't force it. I don't have control- I have to just let it happen. Newsflash people- I'm not a very patient person.

Guess this is a test for me-  a test of whether or not I can move past my control freak ways and learn to just live and let go.

Well- I guess what I want is no longer a secret- now I just have to be able to admit it to others...when appropriate. Okay, mostly- I have to admit and accept it MYSELF because I'm still thinking -  "NO LISA, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WANT THAT- IT IS NOT OKAY TO REALLY WANT A FAMILY"


xoxo -Lisa

Someday I'll Be Okay

Hey loves! my roommate is a film maker and she's making an Eating Disorder documentary

'Someday I'll Be Okay' is a documentary that follows several young adults as they struggle to cope with their eating disorders in life after treatment. In production 2013.

Someday I'll Be Okay Documentary

can you check it out and like the page?
we're hoping to get it done by NEDA week next year ( 2014 )

there's a short clip on it from an interview she did with me. :)

xoxo -Lisa

in my head...

I've been pretty much in my head all day- pretty much since I woke up this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. eh. Something is off kilter with me-something about my life is wrong ( that's a strong word, something is off ). I'm not ENTIRELY sure what it is and yet I'm scared to find out what it is. I know there are some changes I need to make- I just don't know when and how yet- part of me is just waiting for things to unfold as they will.

I was watching Silver Linings Playbook with my roommate tonight ( after literally probably 10 episodes of 2 broke girls ... yes- this is what we single girls do at this apartment on Saturdays...and Fridays...and Thursdays...anyway- you get the point ) well- back to the movie- one of the main characters said a line that struck a chord with me "I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!" It just made me think- Not about the part of doing all this shit for other people but the part about being empty. Yeah- so her character was empty and then she fell in love, yadayada yada bullshit. I'm pretty certain that falling in love isn't going to fix my problems although sometimes I wish i were a romcom film.That would make life a lot easier. Just find a perfectly built, smart, caring, sensitive, understanding...person ( can any one person be all those at once? I know I can't...)

One person can change someone's life- I'd agree with that but no one can FIX anyone else's life. I'm used to having that one person that I just "KNOW" will fix my problems- whether it be my therapist, boyfriend, best friend, eating disorder, self harm. SOMETHING. I don't have any of those right now. I mean, yes I have a therapist, no on the boyfriend, yes on the friends and yes to the ED and SI but not in the same way as before. I don't see any one thing outside of myself that can help FIX ME - get me OUT of my head. I've been trying a lot lately to just go with the flow- things will figure themselves out...but DUDE- PATIENCE- not my strong point.

I really feel like something major is missing for me right now. Something just isn't right. Maybe I'm a lesbian ( kidding... ) but honestly, I don't know exactly what it is though. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll wake up on the other side of the bed...

xoxo -Lisa

Life is harder than I remembered...

I had a therapy appointment yesterday with a new therapist- I really like her and we connected. However, I had totally forgotten how difficult therapy was. Other than yesterday, I hadn't been in therapy since early December. It's been almost a month. By the end of the appointment- I almost started crying, I could feel myself start to disconnect...her voice was starting to turn into a background noise and I was starting to stare into space. I was "feeling"...again. I'm not good at that. She got a lot of things out of me- about my family, past and current relationship issues.

I was wondering if maybe therapy just isn't good for me anymore- maybe I should just continue doing what I'm doing. I've been doing alright and I don't want to rock the boat. However, my roommate brought up the fact that if I was completely fine then I wouldn't have been shaken up by my therapy session. I'm going to go back- at her recommendation 2x a week. On that note- she does seem pretty damn awesome. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get some good work done with her.

There's a time to let go and a time to hold on.

There's just so many things in the last few days that have really been agitating me- interpersonal things.

• I'm still really pissed that I have yet to find a job. I've never had such a hard time job searching- EVER. I guess I've always just been lucky...until now. Well, I've also never had a 6 month gap in my resume. :-/

• My eating disorder is doing "okay"- I'm not doing great- I could be doing better but I could be doing worse- I guess that's a way to look at it.
•  I just have had a bad ED few days lately.

• I'm also just irked majorly about certain relationships in my life. I feel very unimportant right now. I emailed my two TK therapists a while ago and one still hasn't responded ( my primary ) and my family therapist responded ( just today- 2 weeks later ) with a very generic response. I was so close to her while I was there and it just hurts...
• I feel as if I'm worth more than how some people in my life are treating me. It's ironic because some of the people I want to treat me well are the ones putting me on the backburner. 

Life's hard- I've forgotten that detail in the last few weeks of being in wonderland or where-ever I've been.

xoxo -Lisa

TEXT ME BACK DAMMIT!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorder Recovery On New Years Eve!

xoxo -Lisa

Accent Tag-Ramblings

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorder Recovery On Christmas

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorders Aren't Worth It

xoxo -Lisa