@&@*#!232#(*@#

I JUST WANT TO NOT CARE WHAT I EAT

xoxo -Lisa

Finding the correct treatment team

AGHHH. I just want to scream because I'm not settled in here yet. I want to be...really badly...I am moving into my apt on Saturday so hopefully that stability will help! I hope...other than that it's just frustrating not to have a team that I am used to. I don't even remember the trial and error run with Nancy or Amy. I don't feel like there was one with either. Amy started off slowly- in 2 groups with me at ACE. All I remember of the beginning of seeing Nancy was refusing to leave her from the very beginning when my parents wanted me to see someone in network- I developed dependency issues really early on I guess- I had forgotten about those fights...so I was lucky...really really lucky. Now though, I'm struggling- the therapist that I have already really connected with is not seeing patients on an outpatient basis so once I'm out of the EIOP program I'm in, I won't get to see her :-( ... NOT okay with that

AND AND my meal plan- SO NOT OKAY with it. I trusted my dietician and I swear the sheet she gave me today was not what we had discussed. It does not seem like a maintenance plan to me at all...I'm just all over the place right now...

...I'm in a foul mood. Good thing I see two therapists tomorrow. My dbt one and my group leader...at least I'll have something to talk about.

xoxo -Lisa

Friends, Zits, Rings

Zits ( haha ), Rings, Pacsun and finding a therapist  video link(ignore the middle where I'm trying to remove the ring )

So, I've been on a job hunt like none other and it's been difficult to really just fill out application after application- in fact it's draining. I really want a damn job. I have an interview with Victoria's Secret tomorrow- I'm quite excited for it all. Speaking of job interviews, one of the guys I interviewed made a comment that was something like you'll defintely get this, you're so put together.... WTF. That's news to me! Its amazing the faces we can put on.

It's also been over a week and I've been looking for a new therapist and failing at the moment. I expect so much and I expect to connect quite easily. I know it's not that easy though. Still really trying to acclimate here in Denver. I'm so glad K is here. I'd be so lost without her. SO LOST. I'm also glad that I've been able to keep in touch with some of my really great friends back home ...

post about friends to come.


xoxo -Lisa

A familiar feeling

Last night...all of a sudden- my mood went to shit...absolute shit. I wanted a pretzel from the mall but the last time I had one of those- it was during a binge so I had that knee jerk reaction where it was like do i want it? Yes, wait no, yes, no, yes no, yes no. IT WAS A FUCKIN PRETZEL- it shouldn't be this fucking hard...

so, thus my mood went to shit and I got really awkwardly homesick. I missed my mom, Nancy and Amy and my friends in Atl. It was weird to miss my mom, not my friends- i knew that'd happen... Now missing Nancy and Amy- took a toll on me as well- a HUGE toll. I felt like shit...

one of my friends said that she told her therapist that she wanted to be her...that's how I feel about Nancy. Amy, my relationship with Amy was different, much more healthy...

I donno- the feeling from last night was awkwardly comforting because it was all too familiar...I feel better today- as of now anyway
xoxo -Lisa

Floating- dissocatied- disconnected-scared

That's how I feel.  I'm feeling okay right now and that scares me :-/ I'm scared that this is an up and it's not going to stay. I feel very very disconnected...and I feel honestly as if I'm floating through- just barely here but here enough to be present- barely though. I've been talking less in group just because my mind keeps getting distracted- where to? no where- to like a blank place. I look out the window and just stare.

I don't get it. Usually I'm hyper sensitive to my surroundings. Usually I'm pretty damn up and down quite quickly. I can't believe I've only been here in Denver for 7 days...I feel like I've been here a lot longer.

I'm still searching pretty pathetically for a job- I can't/refuse to keep free-loading off my parents. It makes me feel like shit pretty much.. OH it would make me feel like shit if I could feel. I know what it is I should probably be feeling but it's not there.

Could be because I'm not eating enough? Could I be purposefully numbing out? I don't know and that terrifies me. I guess I do have an emotion- I'm oddly content and that scares the shitttttt out of me. I'm so not used to it. Part of me almost wants to create drama for myself so that I can feel what I'm used to. I can feel my borderlined emotions and be IN the "drama triangle"

I want our group leader to be my therapist but I just don't think that she sees people individually outside of the program, so when I'm out of the E-IOP program- I won't get a chance to meet with her. That honestly makes me pretty damn angry... I really like and connect super well with her- the others that I've been going to- not so much. Speaking of the program- I saw my dietician yesterday and she told me that my weight is where she wants me to be. That also scares me because I've been restricting... I've def lost since I left Rosewood. I left at the world's most uncomfortable weight for me and with TERRIBLE TERRIBLE body image so I basically (re??) lapsed? I don't know and with her telling me that my weight is on the low end of where I need to be but it is where I should be...scares me because it makes me feel as if I should continue re-stricting...and 40% of me wants to stop and sadly- the other 60% is ED still screaming in my face.

Fuck this horrid HE called ED. I feel as if he'll never leave me and even if he is gone out of my life...he'll forever be a memory...


xoxo -Lisa

Overwhelmed and Elated at the same time?

I've started E-IOP and I really do like it. The girls are honest...and I love that. I love the brutal honesty and the fact that if one is struggling- you can outright see and hear them say it all. I'm struggling- right there with them but isn't that what an ED is? A roller coaster of struggles and good times? Thus, I'm overwhelmed BUT i'm also pretty happy at the same time. I LOVE it here- it's beautiful and I feel finally more free of myself. I know I'm still struggling hardcore with my ED but my BPD issues have depleted a lot. I don't feel like I can't live without my therapist nor do I feel like I just can't handle anything at all. Alex said she's never seen/heard me so happy :)

I don't have a therapist here yet...I really like Karen, the clinical director of the E-IOP program- I wish she could be my therapist. Finding a therapist is really hard and it's hard for one to live up to my expectations after my last experiences with Nancy and Amy.

My brain is so full of stuff right now- I can barely process much. I honestly don't have a lot to say, except that this eating disorder fight is pissing me off- majorly. I just want it to go away but yet I want to hold onto it really badly. So, thus I'm ambivalent at this moment and I hate the ambivalence.

I meet with my dietician today for the first time- I know she's going to weigh me and that pisses me off because I b/p yesterday and I DO NOT like my weight today at all. I'm actually totally scared to see her and see what meal plan she wants me to follow- I was talking to one of the girls in my group and it's so hard to follow a fucking meal plan when I'm not ready to gain weight...

I'm still in one of those states where I think the meal plans that ED facilities give us are slightly ridiculous. How many "normal - non- ED " people eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day on a rigid schedule? I know it's to train us to eat intuitively but I'm just... I donno. fucking ED

and I really LOVE my nails :)  haha.

xoxo -Lisa

It's about time for a new post.

Amy and Nancy were absolutely floored when I opened up and told them about my blog. They hated what I was doing and said it was hindering my recovery- well I beg to differ. I think the community on here is amazing and on top of that- being able to type and communicate my feelings in words to others ( especially the people I have isolated from because I can't really explain how I feel in person ) really helps. But, it is about time for me to update. ( video blog link-click ).

I went res at Rosewood for 32 days. My opinion... was that it helped. I don't really want to say much more about the program- well it was a 12 step program and that didn't sit with me too well. I do know the program has heped A LOT of people and it did have some great aspects in it.

Nancy dropped me as a client and I had to leave Amy as well because they wanted me to go to Menniger or McLean- places that specialize in bpd. I instead went somewhere that does ED. Insurance kind of chose that route for me- insurance also chose the route of kicking me out the day I was reviewed. Let me go through the last week with y'all.

Monday- finds out my insurance cut me off from Rosewood
Tuesday- fly back to Atlanta
Wednesday- did my intake at Ridgeview in Atlanta, found out they want me PHP and won't take me IOP and my insurance refused to approve them as well. Nancy called and I cried on the phone but explained how I felt. It was really nice to get that out
Thursday- saw Nancy for the last time- not for a session, just to say good-bye. She asked ME for a hug :) AND told me that the fact that I reached out and tried to put closure to the situation meant the world to her.
Friday-saw Amy to say goodbye because it was decided that I was going to move to Denver Saturday
Saturday- IN DENVER!!!
Sunday- walked around the area where I am currently staying. 16 days until K and I can move into our apartment!!!!! I also got to go to a place called Canvas and Cocktails!! It was great. I love love love paiting.
Monday- Did EIOP ( evening- extended intensive outpatient ) at the ERC's outpatient location
Tuesday- going to go see a psych in a few hours today.

With all of this going on , the only time I've had to think was yesterday in group...it reminded me how hard groups are and how hard it is to eat with people around. I almost couldn't finish 100%.

I need more support- I need PHP I think. I've been restricting... :-/ It's just so hard not to when I'm not being held accountable but i'm trying- I've been working really hard to try and eat 3 meals a day and some snacks. I have good days and bad days but I wish I had more support- but the program here is trying to help me with that. So far this week, I see someone everyday

Tuesday- psych
Wed- therapist, group
Thursday- dietician, group
Friday- therapist

Hopefully this will be my schedule everyweek.

Alright- enough of an update... I wish my life were more interesting than my ED and how hard IT FUCKING IS


xoxo -Lisa

moment of clarity

I'm going to open up, I'm going to set boundaries and not walls. I'm going to recover. I'm going to live my life. I"m going to beat ED and my borderline. Fuck both. I'm better than both and I'm stronger than both.


I can have a life. I can recover. 

So can you.

xoxo -Lisa

GOT MY COMPUTER BACK!!

Now I can update more often! I am level 2, wooo!! I'm actually feeling comfortable here and seeing what I am here for now. I no longer want to just run home like a screaming baby. I'm actually finally present. :-) Amazing what a week or so can do. Legit update later- time to eat dinner ( yay... )


xoxo -Lisa