I HAVE to do this...

so day 3 came and went...before day 3 was over---in other words- I screwed up. It's day 0. I already screwed up a bit this morning. Tomorrow can be day 1 and WILL BE day 1. :)

...I don't know how I went from residential to now. I don't know WHERE the four months went. I guess I went to denver... then came home? But how in those 4 months did I let myself slide from eating 6x a day to struggling to keep ANYTHING down and weighing myself daily again? WHERE?! I remember when i first got to Denver- I was eating Einstein's Bagels...would I even touch that now? I wish. Soon though. Soon.

but I HAVE TO DO THIS (video link) -

I have no choice, unless I want to die. ( which most of the times, I don't..)

I don't have the option of residential, inpatient or any of those types of treatments. Not now, not with my job and my hours increasing, me moving up, no...I can't mess all that up because of my ED. Not happening.

THOR CAN GO TO HELL DAMMIT. ( I did just eat a grilled cheese and have NO intent of "barfing my brains out" <---- as my therapist calls purging.  )

I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE to do this. I will die if I don't. literally. If I keep sliding and don't catch myself- one day Thor will kill me....



xoxo -Lisa

Day 3? DAY 3? DAY 3!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE let today be day 3 of no purging! I CAN DO THIS...



new video update link- click here- it's short but shoutout to katie and jules- GOOD LUCK IN RESIDENTIAL! Y'ALL CAN DO IT!


xoxo -Lisa

:-) Had a good day!

I spent today smiling! I had a great sesh this morning with my T! Things went great. I got my work laptop today and got assigned a work email address- I'm finally legit. "I'm a big kid now" haha.

The ED part... I'm still struggling pretty hardcore but TODAY IS DAY TWO OF NO PURGING! I haven't had a day 2 in a long long time. I want to purge my dinner so badly and I feel like a moooo mooo cow but I can do this. I CAN do it. I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to learn to eat without purging. I have to learn to eat a normal amount. I can do this... I can deal with the weight restoration... even though i really don't want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa

let me introduce...

...Thor. Thor is a bastard. Thor is a cunt. Thor is ruining my life. Thor won't go away. Thor is constantly yelling at me. Thor abuses me. Thor calls me bad names and discourages me. Thor is my abusive boyfriend that won't go away. I am technically "single" guys. I'm as "single" as one gets. Thor is my eating disorder. Yes, I named my ED. I don't want to just call it an ED. I want to put a name to this creature that is ruining my life.

I made another video and despite what I said in my last post- - -I'm going to link them. ( changed my mind haha )   

My insurance changed... my benefits suck now. I am only allotted 30 therapy sessions a year ( 30 seshs that my insurance will cover ) IN network.

I just realized that in my first video I was talking about how I applied for a job at the Apple store... HAHAHAHA. That was in Atlanta and I now live in Indiana with a corporate job. Wow, life changes fast....

My scale is lying to me. End of story.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQtvhb0xbFk



xoxo -Lisa

Time to be brave...

...time to own up to my actions. I've got to tell my therapist that today was one big giant fuck up mess. When I self destruct- I guess I go all out. All of my coping mechanisms ( well healthy ones ) fly out of my head and instead I use every single self destructing behavior I have. WHY do I do this? WHY DO I BINGE/PURGE? WHY DO I TAKE LAXATIVES? WHY DO I CUT? WHY DO I RESTRICT? WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT....

I'm struggling right now. I have moments of really wanting recovery- of really trying and I have other moments where I just want to give in. I have nothing left in me to fight sometimes. I just want to lay down, fall asleep- wake up and have everything be okay.... to have a good day---- one that isn't interrupted by ED thoughts every few minutes. I just want to be okay... that's all I ask for.

Nancy still hasn't responded to my email and she probably never will. that pisses me off and makes me feel like shit. I think I need to cut all ties with nancy and amy...but that saddens me...A LOT. TOO MUCH EVEN. AGH. I don't know.

I think I might start vlogging again... I'm not going to post on here everytime that I update my vlog but I will post the link to my youtbue channel this one time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OogKyCF-wwc&feature=channel_video_title
 
xoxo -Lisa

I don't really feel anything...

I feel pissed sometimes but other than that... I'm not feeling. I'm numb. I feel fat and numb. That SUCKS. This would have been the weekend I would have gone down to Atlanta to see my friends and have a goodbye sesh with Amy. I don't know if I want a goodbye sesh with her anymore- things have kind of changed. I guess I'm upset about it. I don't know. Still kinda feeling... NOTHINGGGGGGGGG...

I emailed Nancy last night- nothing yet... *fingers crossed*

my life is a joke. one big sarcastic joke.


xoxo -Lisa

Gaining...

I'm going to enjoy food. I'm going to restore my weight. I've flushed my laxatives, I'm going to keep my scale though...

but I am going to start enjoying food- this doesn't mean binging but eating when I want to/am hungry. I'm going to NOT obsess about my weight. I'm going to move on with my life...right? right... I think I can do this. Why is it so hard to be sure?

recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa

After a 7 AM appointment

I feel better...I spoke with my therapist and she constantly reminded me that she cares, that the reason she couldn't respond to my email and phone calls were because of something personal that happened. She wasn't ignoring me and telling me to go do this myself. She is well aware that I CANNOT do this myself. We discussed how she would respond when she does and things such as that. I think I can work w/this. If not, we also discussed maybe that I need a therapist that can offer different things... I don't want to be kicked out again...

In terms of my ED- All I hear is this "I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYY" Yeah, having a hard time coping with my weight and what I eat. It sounds so vain and stupid. please don't judge me. I wish this were easier. I see others eat and I wish I could do the same...I started using laxatives but I told my therapist I'd take things one day at a time and not take any...for today.

I can do this?


xoxo -Lisa