^*@&*##$(*!&@!

I can't do res. This isn't for me. I want to come home. I feel like a prisoner here... I can't leave AMA because it's too expensive so I have to wait until I am either discharged or my insurance runs out... \


xoxo -Lisa

Not really sure

everything seems to be up in the air. I've lost control of my treatment--- of what is best for me. I feel as if my voice doesn't matter, but then again- I went into treatment where I basically handed over my control to my treatment team. But never have I felt so vulnerable, out of the loop and confused. Even Nancy today on the phone- told me, everything is grey right now and...well...even though 1/3 of my wardrobe is gray I HATE THE DAMN COLOR. I hate what it represents to me- it represents confusion. I just want to know where things are going- who I'm going to be working with. Things with Nancy aren't the same as before- but I am finally realizing a lot of that actually is me projecting my feelings onto her. But, shit- if it does so happen that it is decided she can do the most for me that she has and it's time for me to move on... I don't know how I'm going to react...even though the thought has crossed my head a lot. I , WE ( my team ) just don't know where things are going for me.

They want me to stabilize more. I AM TRYING DAMMIT... and honestly- I believe I am quite stable.

I just wish I had more of a voice in everything....and that I could know the future because I hate uncertainty.

xoxo -Lisa

another impulsive piercing hah. what number is this? like 7?

eye brow piercing!!!!   easy to hide too....

         

LOVE IT!!!

xoxo

-Lisa

Finding Neverland

I feel raw and naked. I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I have no walls. I just want to be protected. In my initial intake at ACE, there were a lot of questions about being afraid to grow up- I wasn't afraid at all, dammit- I wanted to grow up and be out in the world.

yeah...well...it's too damn scary. I think part of me is using my ED to not move forward---I don't want to grow up. I want to find neverland and just be protected. Peter Pan Syndrome- hello Lisa. Never thought I'd be saying this...

I can list off so many hassles and things I've lost due to these issues but yet...right now- it doesn't phase me. Why? I wish I knew.

I had to cancel a lunch date with Alex which lunch dates should be simple enough right? but no, not for me because I wouldn't eat and...that makes a "LUNCH" date awkward. I kept apologizing and she kept saying- it's a lunch date- it should be easy, not like pulling teeth....major fail...and she's my best friend. You'd think that I can pull it together for her....

I panicked last night around 3 AM and called my dad crying and crying. I just wanted to quit my job- the job where I sit and don't do too much. it's not stressful at all and I'm good at talking to people. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in treatment but the fact that it had two things made me want to just run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY

1. commitment. When I'm on the schedule- I need to show up- no matter how depressed I feel.
2. responsibility. That speaks for itself

and yano what- those two things make me scared. But...now I'm fine....I'm sitting at work and I'm fine.

My life is a fucking roller coaster emotionally. I feel as if emotionally I am not stable enough to hold onto anything. This makes me feel utterly and completely useless. One positive thing though. I have had this job for close to 2 months.... which is the longest I have held a job since I got treatment. Even though last night I didn't give a shit if I got fired because I was so overwhelmed and in distress...

what the hell Lisa? You're 22. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

xoxo -Lisa

I'm back

I've just kinda and I guess still have a major hurdle to jump through. But Amy said that I was becoming more like myself today. That's a good sign. I'm trying. It's hard as hell but I'm trying. Started a DBT skills group... uhm-- I actually like it- shhh lol

I'm sorry to all my friends & bloggers that I've just been totally MIA on-- my head has just been screwed on wrong lately- but I'm getting to feel a bit better.  Feeling better video link

but a hard thing- fighting the bpd behaviors along with the anxiety and distress I've been having has really screwed with my appetite- as in- I have none and that is sooooo triggering for my ED. boo.

xoxo -Lisa