we are NOT trees

So, this goes without saying- you are not a tree- neither am I. You're probably thinking "No fucking way". Trees are stuck to the ground. Wherever their little teeny seed was thrown/planted/migrated/whatever i'm not a botany major. Trees can't move ( DUH ) so if something around them isn't helping it grow and become the wonderfully beautiful creature ( plant whatever ) that it is... it's fucked. SOL.

Since I am not a tree, I am not fucked ( contrary to what I tend to think ) and I can move. However, I have a bad habit of just picking up and moving ( geographically or just quitting ) when things get rough. Let's be real for a moment- run away- that's what I tend to do- run- far far far away. One way I see it is well...I don't like where I am- so well I guess I'm going to pack up my bags and get as far a-fucking-way as possible. Sometimes I think "Well, this obviously isn't working, time to try something else" -which actually makes a lot of sense and can be used quite effectively...AND I tend to spin that my own way. I'm very good at manipulating myself- better than I can be manipulated by others.

I will move but I will not run away this time. Running away has gotten me no where. I'm right back where I started- wait, I don't know where I started- well- I'm not back in China where I guess technically I was started. Okay, so geographically and literally- I'm not back where I started but y'all catch my drift. Right.

I'm so sick of trying to control everything. I just want to be. I want to be but I don't want to settle. If I were a tree- i'd be settling.

I am not a fucking tree. I will not settle. 

Frankly though, I'm so sick of fighting so hard to NOT settle. I just want to be. I just want some peace and silence in this brain of mine.  

xoxo -Lisa

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer -Therapy Version 1.0 Featuring Tanya :)

ENJOY!!!

Old Pictures/videos and friendships

First off- I have a new video blog

Don't look back at pictures of when you were sick and in my case- video blogs as well. I was watching a video from pretty much exactly a mont ago which was shortly after leaving TK and I had lost a good amount of weight...which I have put back on...and I started to feel nostalgic and jealous of that girl. I feel like looking back at those pictures/videos is comprable to trying on clothes from when you were sick... just NOT A GOOD THING.

Also, so my life with ED. It SUCKS. ED ruins basically everything- it sneaks into relationships and tear them apart.

• My relationship with my parents are horrible. 
• ED has taken away my potential roommate whom obviously I am still friends with but it still sucks that we shouldn't so therefore can't live together. So therefore ED has taken away friendships in many different angles of my life
• ED has taken my best friend away from me because I was too entrenched in him
• ED has taken graduate school away 
• ED has taken away a possible relationship- well- I'm sure other things took that away too but I think ED played a part, I'll never know anyway- 
• ED has taken away 2 teeth of mine, like literally I've had to have my right bottom molars removed and I'm not getting implants so I can only chew on one side of my mouth and this isn't a temporary thing...

And what as ED given me?

• Osteopenia
• Anemia
• AND OTHER SHITTY ASS THINGS.

so the moral of this part of the story is ED SUCKS. PERIOD.

xoxo -Lisa