xoxo -Lisa

Can I rewind time?

I wish so much that I could find a time machine and rewind time. I was facebook stalking myself and obviously pretty much all my pictures from the last 2 ish years have been from me in treatment or me and friends from treatment. I miss those good times too- where I had so much fun, but yet I wasn't focusing on getting better- treatment was almost like a miserable camp experience except for the girls there. I can say quite honesty, Remuda Life was a joke- but mostly due to me. I spent almost every evening at the mall/target with my housemates and apt mates- who BTW- I LOVE :) up to this day.

Done by the beautiful & talented Madeline Carr.

However, as I started to go farther back into my pictures, I started to realize so much that I had lost. I had some great, true friendships both back in Indiana and from Atlanta. My best friend ( sister ) is barely talking to me anymore and we were connected by the hip in 2008-2011. It was a great friendship-I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, guess what? My disorder helped me to lose it. Not only that, I had some great times on say NYE 2009- I had A LOT of fun, but guess what? That was pretty much the LAST time I went out. I started to crash and isolate pretty much that year. My senior year was a wreck, I did nothing but  ED behaviors for the majority of it. I got so entrenched and addicted to therapy that everything else was put on the backburner.

I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.

Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.

I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.

so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another

I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.

xoxo -Lisa

Who am I?

A lot of people have an identity crisis. For a while, I called it my quarter-life crisis...until it got out of control and I ended up at TK. I was being incredibly reckless with my life. Doing things that I, as Lisa, morally never would have done. I just was a complete wreck.

I was in graduate school to get my M.S in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I went to classes for one week and then...crashed hardcore and ended up in the ICU for 4 days and then at the hospital for a total of about 2 weeks. Then, I landed at TK...for 15 weeks. My time there really helped me

• get my creativity back- the art studio is AMAZING
• learn how to build healthy relationships
• learn who to trust and who not to
• set boundaries with both my peers and parents
• experience what a good therapist with boundaries is like
• learn HOW to utilize therapy 
• realize that honesty is the only way to recover
• realize that IT IS OKAY to be healthy

AND MOST OF ALL

learn who I am.

I am strong, brutally honest almost to a fault however I am not going to apologize for that because it is who I am and I appreciate that about myself. I have a good eye for reading other people. I have many faults as well, I distance myself emotionally from people when I am struggling. I do not cry at the appropriate times. I have MASSIVE boundary setting issues Yet, I am still a strong person and I ( most of the time ) appreciate life much more than I everhav before.

I met some amazing girls at TK and it hurts me to see just how much each and every one of them struggle. It breaks my heart to see a new resident walk through the doors of TK either defensive or scared shitless. It's always a heart breaking story of what landed her at the front doors of TK. I hope for each and every girl/man struggling with ANYTHING- not just ED, mood, addiction, suicide, depression, bipolar, etc... that he/she finds what I have found.

Don't get me wrong- some mornings I still wake up wishing I had never woken up but throughout the day--it gets better. IT IS POSSIBLE to recover from depression. IT IS POSSIBLE to HAVE FUN and be HAPPY. ( I had no idea what true fun or happiness was )

Yes, the hopelessness, suicidal, self harm thoughts have been with me for years so they will probably, if not always be in my back pocket. "It is okay to have it in your back pocket" <-- my amazing family therapist. However, now- I can fight those thoughts and make it through the day.

I'm taking it ONE DAY at a time. I have a goal in life for once and I am motivated as hell to get there.


xoxo -Lisa

I actually learned something...at TK.

So... today was one hell of a long freaking day. I started groups today at 9 AM. AND I started with art therapy...which I will say... I LOVED at TK. LOVED LOVED LOVED. Well...guess what? I am not a fan of the art therapy here... it's too structured. As soon as I checked out with that feeling, the art therapist asked if I came from TK. lol. I guess that a lot of former TK residents feel the same way.

I just also wanted to say...I miss my fellow BWOWs... ( beautiful women of willow ), even if the lodge was a bit ...okay A LOT  crazy when I left...there are a few current residents and a lot of past residents that I would defintely say are my TK sisters...that I miss a ton.  My "best bitches" :D

Also, I am meeting with my care coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to present my case for moving down to IOP either Friday ( if possible ) or next week. I already talked to my therapist who talked to my care coordinator to make her aware of how I was feeling. I do not feel like this level of care with some of the women that are in that same level of care...is helping me. I feel like it's actually making things worse. 

I knew I had learned a lot of things at TK- what I realized today was JUST HOW MUCH I learned at TK. I learned a hell of a lot and I honestly can say that my treatment team played a giant part in it. I do not feel like I'm getting jackshit out of any of the groups. I had empowerment today...and it was boring as fuck. I'd rather be in IOP- see my therapist 2x a week and get a fucking job and figure out how to take some classes until I can apply for graduate school next fall or something. In PHP, I don't get out until 5:30- most offices are closed by then. I'd rather give IOP a shot an if it doesn't work out- I can always go back up to PHP.

I just really need to fucking integrate myself back into society. I'm ready to move on- to leave the world of treatment behind and focus on how I can help others. 

xoxo -Lisa

Timberline Knolls- home sweet home

So, I left for Atlanta... as posted earlier. I had some "issues" that landed me at Timberline Knolls ( TK ) in LeMont, Illinois.

I was admitted on June 13th. I discharged yesterday on October 1st. I am now doing treatment at Insight Treatment Center and living at Millimium Place on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I'm doing PHP and I HATE IT. I am so sick of this intense level of treatment. I'm so sick of group after group... I feel as if I should just do 1:1 treatment a few times a week to work on my trauma and some other...issues.

I had a love/hate relationship with TK. I hated the entire first month...but once I started to utilize the groups and stopped acting out...I actually got A LOT out of it.

I had two amazing therapists....whom I got grossly attached to and now I'm struggling hardcore having left them. I have honestly never had as good of a treatment team as I had there. I will say for sure that TK saved my life.

I had a "great" time at TK. I defintely learned A LOT in my ALMOST FOUR FREAKING MONTHS there...I have never spent so long in treatment before. I have also never left a treatment center with the same INTERNAL motivation that I left TK with yesterday. 

Granted, the transition to PHP here in the city has been REALLY tough. I can't say I've been perfect and completely symptom free however ... I don't want to do this treatment merry go round anymore. I've looked up some community colleges so I can eventually get my MSW.

One thing I realized at TK is that I REALLY TRULY have figured out what I want to be- I want to be a therapist. No question about it.

I'm just so fucking sick of treatment at this level...for some reason I feel like I either want to go back to TK and do residential or...just do outpatient ( kind of black and white...I know ) but logically speaking, I've gotten the most out of the program I could have and it's time for me to move on with life.

ALTHOUGH I do not think I've gotten the most out of my treatment team. I wish they would do outpatient...


xoxo -Lisa

Away for 4 months

I've been gone, away from society for quite a long time. Since May 27th to be exact- so a little over 4 months. I was admitted into Timberline Knolls (TK) on June 13th and, today, October 1st is my first day away from TK in A LONG time. I'm doing a PHP program in Chicago, IL.

I'll update for real later...

xoxo -Lisa