Goodbyes...

I had my last therapy session here in Indiana today. Well, who knows? I might move back or have a session during a break, but for now--- my life has moved on in one way already. My next therapy session with a potential therapist is in exactly one week and like ... negative 19 minutes because it's at 3 PM. haha

I walked in not knowing if that was going to be my last session or not but by the end of it, I felt like I had gotten all I could out of it, so I told her I was going to cancel my last appointment and have this end on the good note it was on. I GOT A HUG! I real hug, not a fake kinda like spacey hug but a REAL one.  :)  those make my day. I love hugs. I'll miss her but not in the way that I "missed" Amy / Nancy. I put the " " in there because miss almost isn't the right word. More like... I don't know. But it wasn't just missing them. I felt like I had a hole in my heart. I will def miss my current therapist with all my heart but the relationship was much more healthy so the goodbye was an actual healthy and correct one. One I'd never had before. I am glad I was able to have a goodbye like that. I needed it. But nothing is forever, who knows when I might see her again.

Also a special mention: Happy Birthday Kristina!!!!!!!

I had a pretty good day today. I bought a pair of pants ( for $5 and theyre super cute )that probably will never fit me again unless I stay at this unhealthy weight which I shouldn't stay at. I need to recover. My body needs me to. I can't keep doing what I'm doing.... I'm just so ambivalent about everything. I don't know...

I guess I'm still kind of getting used to the fact that my therapy here in Indy is done ( for now ). Some things have already moved on to GA...therapy for one. I just need to pack. And like I said, nothing is forever. I'm not leaving anyone behind... just taking a vacation somewhere for school. hah. vacation and school in the same sentence. bullshit.



xoxo -Lisa

Ambivalence...my current and past best friend.

I am so ambivalent about recovery. One minute I want to just be skinny( and the voice screams really loudly ) and the next I want to be healthy and not think about my body and just enjoy life. Obviously one sounds much better than the other. I just wish ED would leave me alone because it just causes me so much anxiety and confusion.

I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.

Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things.

AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.

Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.

I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.

I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.

xoxo -Lisa

Cars, Scales, Moving and everything in between

So, since the last time I posted, I could say a lot as happened but yet a lot hasn't. To start things off with- while driving to EDA- i got in a pretty big car accident. Thank god no one in either car was hurt. BUT, that left me with no car for a good two days. I've been driving since i've been 16 so of course it was weird having my mom pick me up, drop me off, etc. But i was pretty startled by the car accident.

I initially lost a lot of weight in the middle of the month and was at my lowest weight but then once day I gained like 5 lbs and haven't been able to get rid of it. But, at this point, i don't care anymore. I'm just going to try and let it go. I don't know how well that will work, but good bye ED? for now? i don't know. It's still hard to not just not eat when it's a habit. I used too many double negatives dammit. It's easy to just not eat when it's a habit ( there we go ) even if I'm not trying to lose.

RECOVERING OUTPATIENT IS HARD. really really hard. especially in the situation I'm in. But on the bright side my dad ended up giving me his car- a nissan rogue, a step up from my old car fo sho.

My borderline is acting up a lot right now because I have 3 sessions left with my therapist and only 2 EDA meets left here. I've grown attached of course and I've seen my current therapist the longest out of all of the 3 other therapists I connected with and saw. I'm pretty sure she knows me the best in some aspects and in others Nancy/Amy might know me better. I don't know. I just know leaving is going to be REALLY hard. REALLY REALLY hard and I'm scared Shitless. I better get a hug. lol


xoxo -Lisa

I'm back. My parents found my youtube channel

Hey guys,
  Sorry I've been gone so long. I've had a lot of things going on that I just can't reveal over the internet.

My eating disorder has been screaming right now. I'm at my lowest weight and it's so triggering. It's scary but it also makes me happy.

I'm moving to Atlanta in May. May3rd! I am so freaking excited. Yes, I am not completely recovered and I'm ambivalent about recovery ( aren't we all to a degree ...) I have been going in and out and my weight is just fluctuating a little bit.

I'm going to grad school in Atlanta for a Masters in Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I'm totally excited.

I'm also totally in love with my job for once- I teach ACT/SAT prep and it's great to work with the kids. One of them called me old... ( i'm 23...24 on April 23rd ) lol

I am just so impatient and can't wait to move!!!! The date is coming sooon!!! Hopefully my ED will be better by then...or at least kind of better. I'm going back to my old psych and I found a new therapist. Now I just need to find a family doctor. I'll update soon again!

xoxo -Lisa