I never know...

I just found this randomly on an unpublished post I had written- this as written about 2 months ago.

[It seems strange that there are so many things that I just forget / don't think about and then they randomly pop up into my head. My head is all over the place and I've been trying to just muffle it all out with binging on tv shows on netflix/hulu or just other places where I can watch them.

School has started and that means I have a lot of things that I should be doing/reading and yet- I just can't bring myself to full do any of it. I don't want to is part of the problem. I'm tired and just want to sleep for months. Who is to say I'm not suicidal anymore? I've just resigned to needing to live for others. Nothing for myself- I don't know why I would live for myself- still. Not sure. ]

and that last sentence has rang true for ... as long as I can remember and the more people I lose in my life- the less I feel I need to stay okay for.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm not sure anymore

My brain is foggy.

My guard was let down- I wouldn't change anything

First off, I haven't updated in a ridiculous amount of time so if anyone is still even reading this- I apologize for my absence. I really do think I will continue to update/process through this alot more.

Life has been and is good. It really is.I let my guard down and most of you readers/friends know how hard that is for me- and well, I got hurt.I cried for god knows how long. Eventually ( obviously ), I stopped- talked to a good friend of mine that I've known since high school- who also happens to live a few blocks away now. She stated a lot of facts- objective facts that really helped me. When two people aren't on the same page or potentially almost in different books: you're going to have problems and the inevitable will happen- unless someone changes drastically and I don't think that's fair to either party

My 10 months ( which might not seem long to some ) relationship that I had a lot of hope in ended- almost exactly 48 hours ago. We talked things out- I got the closure I needed even if that meant hearing answers that I KNEW would hurt and yes, they did. A LOT. But, it needed to be said for me to be able  to focus on other things and not wonder "what ifs" because those two damn words can drive anyone nuts.

It's weird because I have random moments of just being ready to burst into tears but I have moments already where I realize that I am glad to have my weekends free to hang out with certain friends and to get to know them better. But, then I felt bad for liking that. I do however, foresee a wide range of emotions coming on soon..


For the first time in my life where I lost someone that played a huge role in it- I don't regret anything- I don't regret letting him in, I don't regret believing him ( even if in the end it didn't work out because I know he really wanted to believe himself as well ). If I had the choice to do it all again knowing the exact outcome- I wouldn't change a thing because our good memories were SO good that I don't have any desire to ever erase them. I can't even remember many bad memories...at all- except the break up but even my friends have stated- this is one of the smoothest break ups she's ever seen.

The picture on the right seems very sad at first glance and yet to me it is positive. Also, this caption speaks a lot to me- especially at this moment in my life.

Life happens- I don't have much  more advice then- go with what happens and attempt to learn and grow.

xoxo -Lisa