I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got

The quote in the title is a pretty depressing thought isn't it? Yet, it's so incredibly true...it's terrifying how true this is.

It encompasses my entire last decade or so of my life. I was speaking with a friend earlier this week about how eating disorders or just any sort of addiction - it lures you in. It tells you that that's the solution to everything and that life will be better with it around.

And you know what? FOR A WHILE IT IS. For a while, my eating disorder, depression and whatever the hell else- it kept me alive because that was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain I felt. I've written thank you good bye letters to my eating disorder god know how many times. yet, I  don't know how sincere they were because I knew what I was supposed to write so I wrote it. But, I never gave it up - I still felt like I have control over it and that I could function and use it to better my life- to find that "peace of mind" - I wanted to know in my head that I was a hard worker and had something to show for it. I wanted to be valuable and useful - to myself- and of course others but others say all sorts of things and yes, they are flattering but I want to have peace within myself. I want all the"skeletons" to shut up and I want to just know that I am valuable. But, did tearing my body apart in more ways than one achieve that? NO. Did the pain of things that have happened to me/that I did to myself go away? Nope, I numbed them out- but that also numbed me out. It wasn't a win win. It wasn't a way to live.

"So when the pain of your mistakes keeps you awake,
And all your skeletons rattle in the chains,
Intoxicated by the fear and the flames,
There's paranoia in your veins." - Lying to the mirror - Gabrielle Aplin

I promise this song isn't as dark as these last few lyrics

It wasn't until almost a year ago when I was thinking about all the goals I set out to reach- goals that I knew would deine me- and how many of them I reached...

The first one that came to mind was

1. Reach the double digits in how much I weighed in lbs. DONE.

So....did weighing 89lbs calm my brain down and convince my that I am a hard worker and can reach goals when I set my mind out to do it? NO. It didn't do shit. All it did was make my memory foggy, my brain unable to function at the best of it's ability and land me back in treatment for the 8th time.

All I wanted- for a long time...and still even now- I want something to show for the hard work that I do- whether it is for school, job or otherwise and to me... one easy way to do that was- oh hey, I'll lose weight and I can literally see the numbers on the scale go down to prove to myself that the work I am doing is paying off. I needed to validate to myself, that my work ethic could be shown- so that I COULD mean something to someone and more importantly, myself and my family. But the family issue- that's for another time ( maybe )

So, here is where one might ask- why not do it via school?? Well, I grew up where it was expected of me to do well. So, doing well wasn't a validation= instead it was pressure. And because it's how I was brought up to think, I just worked hard because it was expected of me. I still, to this day, struggle with letting go of letting grades run my life and define me. Still working on that one. 

BUT it's sad that my biggest goal in life for years was to reach at the most 99lbs. Funny how one day the goal was 99 and a month or so later- maybe not even that long- 100 lbs seemed so daunting and ridiculous that I never wanted to be there again. Funny how quick things can change. 

So, what gives me peace of mind now? I know destroying my body didn't work and now I'm dealing with the consequences of that now and it's hell. 

So, once again, what gives me peace of mind now? It's quite simple actually.

The I have an identity outside of "Lisa with an eating disorder" 

AND IT FEELS AMAZING.

yet, I'm not going to lie- sometimes I miss it. I'll never forget it and I'll never forget what it did to me and I'll never stop helping others or sharing my story but the ending of my story is slowly changing- it's slowly evolving into recovery...not just- I want recovery and I'm really working hard at it. While I am doing those thing, I am also building a life for myself, one I don't want to lose. If I relapse, I lose it. It's that simple. Yet, someone told me recently "You have absolutely not reason to be depressed" That is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard in my life. Depression and other mental struggles or just emotions in general- they are valid. All emotions are subjective. I might look like everything is perfectly together and there's really nothing REAL for me to worry about. Yes, I am grateful for a lot of things I have but..there's still part of me that is hurting so I have reason to feel whatever the hell I am feeling and so are you. 

There are certain things I feel one should never have to justify to others because they're deeply personal.

1.weight

2.emotion

3.relationships

I've grown a lot in the past 3 years. I don't take shit nor do I play games. I've done it in the past and I've been wishy washy and unsure about things but I am not running towards trains wrecks nor am I allowing myself to get walked all over. There are thing sin my past ( keyword :PAST ) that some people don't want to deal with- which is perfectly fine by me.  I've known for years that I'm the type of person that someone likes or dislikes- I don't get much of an in between. I've been told I can be intimidating...which I find hilarious because- yes, I'm not shy but I hope to god I'm not scary... oh well, another thing to work on..

But, let's face it- I've been neglecting this blog for the last year. I've just been randomly popping in and out to babble about random stuff. So, I've probably lost a ton of readers but that's not what this blog is about. If you're reading- I hope this somehow helps or at least entertained you in some way. But, this blog is for me. It's a way for me to relect and I should reflect more often...maybe I'll stop by more often...who knows? Or maybe I'll journal in my actual journal more. I don't know. That's something I'm learning to do - just go with it. Obviously don't throw myself into an oncoming train wreck- but just go with things.

Well, I had more to say but my cat just took a shit in the litter box and it smells horrible so I'm going to go remove that shit from my apartment. No pun intended

xoxo -Lisa