I am so ambivalent about recovery. One minute I want to just be skinny( and the voice screams really loudly ) and the next I want to be healthy and not think about my body and just enjoy life. Obviously one sounds much better than the other. I just wish ED would leave me alone because it just causes me so much anxiety and confusion.
I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.
Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things.
AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.
Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.
I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.
I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.
xoxo -Lisa
I've called the place I'm going to transfer jobs to and it looks like it's going to go through. My student loans have come through and I've signed up for classes. Things are falling into place.
Except me. I am not falling place at all. One day I want this, the next I want something else ( ED wise ). I've come to peace with other things. AMBIVALENCE is a bitch and an IDIOT. I feel like Ambivalence should have a name like ED. It's just as powerful in my opinion.
Right now, my weight is holding steady and I'm trying to hold steady but not for recovery reasons. Don't ask why. I just am scared of what will happen when I have the choice again.
I'm anxious about moving but more excited. LESS THAT 2 WEEKS. I need to get out of here. badly. away from the suffocation. I need more freedom. I need to learn to grow up and handle my "boo boos" on my own.
I realize that I'm spoiled. I mean, I got in a car wreck and 2 days later my dad gave me his car. A really NICE car. That, I am so thankful for and there are times that I don't want to leave the stability of my parents, but I know I need to grow up.
xoxo -Lisa
Excitement and anxiety often go hand-in-hand. It is a hard thing to accept. But continuing on with something despite the anxiety generally turns out for the better. I also encourage you find someone who can help you and be your mentor as you strike on on your own. Peace.
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