I left this morning at 9AM to go to therapy and then I ended up out all day. I'm so exhausted. My room is a fucking wreck.
There are clothes everywhere and my stuffed animals are all over my
room. I always get irritated and overwhelmed when my room is messy and
that makes me NOT want to pick up my shit. I just want to scream.
I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but my therapist isn't sure that I have it. She said- she knows immediately when she is interacting with someone with bpd and she doesn't get that feeling with me. Especially because my behaviors act up with intimate relationships. I can control my emotions to a much better degree in other relationships. So- intimacy issues now- great. We're working having me learn how to control my emotions in intimate relationships. How to breathe and take a step back before reacting. If I had done that...I probably ... wouldn't...be... in the situation I'm in right now.
I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT. However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.
So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)
My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.
xoxo -Lisa
I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..
I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT. However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.
So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)
My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.
xoxo -Lisa
I have been reading your blog for awhile now, but I don't usually comment. I am in school, majoring in counseling psychology and have done some work with people with BPD. I assure you, you do have BPD. The fact that your symptoms appear and disappear with intimate relationships is a classic sign that you - especially those relationships which feel like caretaking or motherly. It is very common for BPD to plateau at different times in your life and even to a therapist, you can seem quite like the nonBPD for a time, but in a moment of abandonment or perceived abandonment, the symptoms all come flying back. A lot of times it is with certain people while you handle losing other people in your life quite fine. That's why it is better for someone to have a therapist who doesn't meet the criteria you might have for that person you can become attached to. Rachel
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