I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic

I know it's been a long time since I've updated on here. I've actually been able to live a life outside of my disorders. It's really nice. However, I do like to continue to take time out of my day to make sure that I'm still on the right path and that I'm still involved within the recovery community. So, in regards to that- I've been absent on here way too long and I do apologize. I also apologize for not keeping up with all the other blogs that I used to follow. I will do my best to catch up.

Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I did a bit of an experiment last year. I made a Youtube Video ( click to watch )  where I talked about how I felt about the concept of wanting to be anorexic. Not exactly the same as pro-ana but just the "decision" to be anorexic. Well, the experiment part was what I titled the video- I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic- I wanted to see if this video got more hits than my other videos and holy shit did it. It currently is the most watched video on my channel with over 5,000 views. And over a year later ( one month ago ) I made a follow up video to see if the same thing would happen. And- big surprise ( sarcasm ) - the same thing happened. So far, I've accumulated about 1,100 hits and it's still rising faster than my other videos.

This is just a concept that saddens me. I am very aware of this issue. However, even though I am aware and familiar with this - it still brings up some strong emotions in me. I'm not going to lie- at one point in my early teenage years, I wanted to lose weight and "do the whole anorexia" thing. However, that didn't last long. By the time that my eating disorder literally had a hold on me- I had no choice-it wasn't "doing the whole anorexia thing"- it was the "fuck, this sucks thing". My eating disorder sneaked up on me. When I was focusing on losing weight and restricting "like I saw in the movies ( mostly lifetime ones that I will not name )" - I don't believe I was anorexic/eating disordered. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I was still in control. And then, life happened and I got distracted and stressed and that is when the eating disorder took over. Not by choice- not by intent- it just happened. I remember at Timberline Knolls, I told my dietician there that "I wish I had never purged the first time, etc" and she told me- well it would have come out in some for or another eventually. I'm not saying that eating disorders are a per-determined illness and that there is no way to prevent it if you have the right "genetic and environmental set up" but she had a point. With everything being the way that it was/had been- I would have ended up in some sort of dilemma revolving food at some point. Yes, could it have been prevented from getting as bad as it did? I'm sure it could have. I truly believe the saying that is something like this- nature loads the gun and the environment can pull the trigger- that's not the quote verbatim but you get the picture.

I've been pretty active on Instagram  (guo791999 if you want to find me ) lately and the overwhelming profiles and posts that are "pro-ana/mia/suicide/self harm" is alarming. However, it's not any more than there used to be. It's just using a different interface now. It is now more accessible to people but we shouldn't forget that this concept has been around for decades if not longer. It used to be all over Xanga, Livejournal, other forums and websites. Now, it's just active through Tumblr and Instagram instead. It's a sad thought and I hate that my hypothesis was correct in what would happen by titling my two videos "I want to be anorexic" but it is what it is and I truly believe that these ideas and concepts are part of human nature and no matter what is done/blocked/etc- it WILL find a way to surface in some other form.

So, I'll leave you with just a simple message that I'm sure you've seen/heard/might be sick of but I'm saying it anyway-stay strong- things do get better. It takes time- but recovery is possible. 


xoxo
Lisa