I've been triggered by many things- proana websites, thinspo, instagram, facebook, the internet, etc- however- my biggest trigger has always been- MYSELF.
But- I've stumbled across a new trigger- one I've never TRULY had. STABILITY- the one thing I've wished for for years upon years. I've always just wished things would settle down- that things would stop being so hectic - etc. AND NOW THINGS ARE STABLE.
I am 25- on a career path where it seems suitable and I enjoy it ( teaching- hopefully I'll be in a program to get my masters in secondary education soon )- in a healthy stable serious relationship. DARE I SAY- MY LIFE IS ...PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. This is what I've wanted This is what I used to always say I wanted.
I walked into therapy Monday - my therapist when she asked me how things have been- I told her this "I am bored" and she asks me what is boring and I reply- my life. I am used to things being utter complete chaos. I am used to never knowing what will happen to me tomorrow or when the next time I was going to have a break down would be. I am used to having almost NO control over my emotions. I'm ... none of these things anymore. Well- realistically I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow but it's no longer in a- I might die tomorrow type of way.
Life is moving forward for me- I have a plan. An achievable one this time - on that doesn't involve me losing [x] amount of pounds. Instead it involves me moving forward and having a real big girl career in something I truly do enjoy ( newsflash : I REALLY do like my job in teaching college prep ) and moving forward in a healthy way in my personal life. This is me growing up. This is scary shit guys. However- I need to remember- this is WHAT IS NORMAL- COMMON- everyone needs to go through it. I need to normalize what it is that is going on and realize- this is positive. But- there's that small nagging voice in the back of my head that just wants me to sabotage everything and go back to the familiar hospital/treatment/relapse state of life. However- a friend asked me if I was in risk of relapse and my answer was that as much as I sometimes wish I were in risk of relapse- I'm really not. Despite the disorder's best efforts- I'm still moving forward.
xoxo -Lisa
But- I've stumbled across a new trigger- one I've never TRULY had. STABILITY- the one thing I've wished for for years upon years. I've always just wished things would settle down- that things would stop being so hectic - etc. AND NOW THINGS ARE STABLE.
I am 25- on a career path where it seems suitable and I enjoy it ( teaching- hopefully I'll be in a program to get my masters in secondary education soon )- in a healthy stable serious relationship. DARE I SAY- MY LIFE IS ...PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. This is what I've wanted This is what I used to always say I wanted.I walked into therapy Monday - my therapist when she asked me how things have been- I told her this "I am bored" and she asks me what is boring and I reply- my life. I am used to things being utter complete chaos. I am used to never knowing what will happen to me tomorrow or when the next time I was going to have a break down would be. I am used to having almost NO control over my emotions. I'm ... none of these things anymore. Well- realistically I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow but it's no longer in a- I might die tomorrow type of way.
Life is moving forward for me- I have a plan. An achievable one this time - on that doesn't involve me losing [x] amount of pounds. Instead it involves me moving forward and having a real big girl career in something I truly do enjoy ( newsflash : I REALLY do like my job in teaching college prep ) and moving forward in a healthy way in my personal life. This is me growing up. This is scary shit guys. However- I need to remember- this is WHAT IS NORMAL- COMMON- everyone needs to go through it. I need to normalize what it is that is going on and realize- this is positive. But- there's that small nagging voice in the back of my head that just wants me to sabotage everything and go back to the familiar hospital/treatment/relapse state of life. However- a friend asked me if I was in risk of relapse and my answer was that as much as I sometimes wish I were in risk of relapse- I'm really not. Despite the disorder's best efforts- I'm still moving forward.
xoxo -Lisa
Bravo my love, you are amazing. And I can relate to the :boring: feeling but you will come to terms with the feeling and make it full of good hobbies and friends. I am very proud of u
ReplyDeleteHope you're doing okay.
ReplyDeleteany advice for someone who thinks she has an eating disorder?
ReplyDelete