I wish so much that I could find a time machine and rewind time. I was facebook stalking myself and obviously pretty much all my pictures from the last 2 ish years have been from me in treatment or me and friends from treatment. I miss those good times too- where I had so much fun, but yet I wasn't focusing on getting better- treatment was almost like a miserable camp experience except for the girls there. I can say quite honesty, Remuda Life was a joke- but mostly due to me. I spent almost every evening at the mall/target with my housemates and apt mates- who BTW- I LOVE :) up to this day.
However, as I started to go farther back into my pictures, I started to realize so much that I had lost. I had some great, true friendships both back in Indiana and from Atlanta. My best friend ( sister ) is barely talking to me anymore and we were connected by the hip in 2008-2011. It was a great friendship-I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, guess what? My disorder helped me to lose it. Not only that, I had some great times on say NYE 2009- I had A LOT of fun, but guess what? That was pretty much the LAST time I went out. I started to crash and isolate pretty much that year. My senior year was a wreck, I did nothing but ED behaviors for the majority of it. I got so entrenched and addicted to therapy that everything else was put on the backburner.
I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.
Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.
I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.
so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another
I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.
ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.
xoxo -Lisa
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| Done by the beautiful & talented Madeline Carr. |
I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.
Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.
I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.
so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another
I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.
xoxo -Lisa
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