everything seems to be up in the air. I've lost control of my treatment--- of what is best for me. I feel as if my voice doesn't matter, but then again- I went into treatment where I basically handed over my control to my treatment team. But never have I felt so vulnerable, out of the loop and confused. Even Nancy today on the phone- told me, everything is grey right now and...well...even though 1/3 of my wardrobe is gray I HATE THE DAMN COLOR. I hate what it represents to me- it represents confusion. I just want to know where things are going- who I'm going to be working with. Things with Nancy aren't the same as before- but I am finally realizing a lot of that actually is me projecting my feelings onto her. But, shit- if it does so happen that it is decided she can do the most for me that she has and it's time for me to move on... I don't know how I'm going to react...even though the thought has crossed my head a lot. I , WE ( my team ) just don't know where things are going for me.
They want me to stabilize more. I AM TRYING DAMMIT... and honestly- I believe I am quite stable.
I just wish I had more of a voice in everything....and that I could know the future because I hate uncertainty.
xoxo -Lisa
I just wish I had more of a voice in everything....and that I could know the future because I hate uncertainty.
xoxo -Lisa
Hey Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI DO believe in you.
I know that you're trying.
It's tough, but each day that you tell off ED makes the next day a little easier. You can defeat this! You may need help from your team, but you are also so strong. Don't doubt that about yourself. You don't wanna go back to the worst of your life. So don't let ED drag you.
I want to see you smile soon! :)
<3 Haley
I am sorry things feel so difficult with treatment right now. I can relate. It is really frustrating when you feel like things just aren't going the way you want or need them to, and you don't know how to change that. Could you tell Nancy how you are feeling about things - that you feel like you are out of the loop and confused? I think it is important she knows. xxx
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. It is like should I just deal with this or say fuck it and do whatever? I face with this decision every single day. Most of the time I go with let's deal with this because you know what, it is ultimately a better choice, but do I always do that...no. I should but....you know how living with ED is.
ReplyDeleteI believe in you. Peace.
ReplyDeleteFeeling out of control of anything is really difficult to handle. I totally understand where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's really tough to make decisions about treatment professionals. Our relationships with them mean so much, and when they sour a bit it hurts a lot. I'm sorry, puppy.
Wishing you well,
NOS
love the quote on the hand !
ReplyDeletei would love for you to check out my blog and tell me what you think
Ashley
http://wise-rabbit-says.blogspot.com/
lisa you are so brave and i want you to know that i'm so proud of youuuuu! i love you girly. don't give up!
ReplyDeleteI've been catching myself up on your posts, Lisa! I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch but know that you haven't lost the battle against ED. You are beautiful and have the spirit of a warrior. Believe.
ReplyDeleteI'm watching Pocahontas right now :)