I feel raw and naked. I have nothing to hide behind anymore. I have no walls. I just want to be protected. In my initial intake at ACE, there were a lot of questions about being afraid to grow up- I wasn't afraid at all, dammit- I wanted to grow up and be out in the world.
yeah...well...it's too damn scary. I think part of me is using my ED to not move forward---I don't want to grow up. I want to find neverland and just be protected. Peter Pan Syndrome- hello Lisa. Never thought I'd be saying this...
I can list off so many hassles and things I've lost due to these issues but yet...right now- it doesn't phase me. Why? I wish I knew.
I had to cancel a lunch date with Alex which lunch dates should be simple enough right? but no, not for me because I wouldn't eat and...that makes a "LUNCH" date awkward. I kept apologizing and she kept saying- it's a lunch date- it should be easy, not like pulling teeth....major fail...and she's my best friend. You'd think that I can pull it together for her....
I panicked last night around 3 AM and called my dad crying and crying. I just wanted to quit my job- the job where I sit and don't do too much. it's not stressful at all and I'm good at talking to people. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in treatment but the fact that it had two things made me want to just run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY
1. commitment. When I'm on the schedule- I need to show up- no matter how depressed I feel.
2. responsibility. That speaks for itself
and yano what- those two things make me scared. But...now I'm fine....I'm sitting at work and I'm fine.
My life is a fucking roller coaster emotionally. I feel as if emotionally I am not stable enough to hold onto anything. This makes me feel utterly and completely useless. One positive thing though. I have had this job for close to 2 months.... which is the longest I have held a job since I got treatment. Even though last night I didn't give a shit if I got fired because I was so overwhelmed and in distress...
what the hell Lisa? You're 22. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
xoxo -Lisa
yeah...well...it's too damn scary. I think part of me is using my ED to not move forward---I don't want to grow up. I want to find neverland and just be protected. Peter Pan Syndrome- hello Lisa. Never thought I'd be saying this...
I can list off so many hassles and things I've lost due to these issues but yet...right now- it doesn't phase me. Why? I wish I knew.
I had to cancel a lunch date with Alex which lunch dates should be simple enough right? but no, not for me because I wouldn't eat and...that makes a "LUNCH" date awkward. I kept apologizing and she kept saying- it's a lunch date- it should be easy, not like pulling teeth....major fail...and she's my best friend. You'd think that I can pull it together for her....
I panicked last night around 3 AM and called my dad crying and crying. I just wanted to quit my job- the job where I sit and don't do too much. it's not stressful at all and I'm good at talking to people. It's the perfect job for me while I'm in treatment but the fact that it had two things made me want to just run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY
1. commitment. When I'm on the schedule- I need to show up- no matter how depressed I feel.
2. responsibility. That speaks for itself
and yano what- those two things make me scared. But...now I'm fine....I'm sitting at work and I'm fine.
what the hell Lisa? You're 22. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
xoxo -Lisa
~hugs~
ReplyDeleteCongrats on making it 2 months! I know how big a deal that is.
ReplyDeleteAnd addressing what you said about having lost things to the ED but still engaging in it-- I wish it were so easy that the second you realize it's ruining your life you can turn it off. But unfortunately no one has found the switch yet. For me I had to hit rock bottom, and by that I mean ROCK BOTTOM, before I could get my shit together and eat. I had a lot of help, but suddenly realizing how much the ED takes from you and how much it will take from you in the future if you allow it to made me work harder than I have ever worked before. I hope you don't have to hit rock bottom to get to a better place. You have such a bright future, and you CANNOT let the ED take it away from you. Because it will take everything away...
Wishing you well,
NOS