This was a prompt for one of my groups while in treatment.What I Secretly Want: The very first thing that came to my head was
you're probably thinking- why is that what you secretly want- don't most people want relationships...well... wanting a family is not how I was raised or what I've been aiming for in my 24 years of life. My entire life has revolved around an education which was supposed to lead to a career. NOT NEEDING RELATIONSHIPS with people- not for personal reasons. OH NO- that is NOT OKAY. It is okay to have a career as a goal- it's not okay to want a family as a goal. I can want a family- sure- why not- but not REALLY "want" it- I can't let any sort of happiness/emotions ride on relationships- my happiness is only allowed to ride on what I can control. But, yet- that's not how it's working- I guess that's not how life works...
So, when that was the first thought that came to my head- i panicked, left the group room and didn't go back ( yes, very therapeutically productive- I know ). It's scary. It's scary as hell to know that what I want-deep down- is someone to take care of me and someone for me to take care of. I want something stable and this involves...NEEDING OTHER PEOPLE ( this is a concept I've fought for a long time with my therapists ). Needing someone- having needs, that makes me needy and high maintenance- I don't want to be that. But, I am- I have to accept that. I am needy. I am a sensitive person and I ... have needs ( that painful to type...) I want someone to hold my hand, someone to hug me and tell me that it'll all be okay ( and that too was painful to type...)
A career goal is concrete- I can work hard at it and achieve it. I can't "work hard" on relationships and have a family, relationships, etc come out of it. There is no formula for it. Nothing is guaranteed..it's completely out of my control.
A career/educational goal isn't. I study for a test- the time and quality of my studying should correlate directly with my exam score. Yeah- that's not how it works with relationships- someone else is involved- it's not something that I can complete control over. It's not concrete. IT IS SCARY. It's growing up. It's part of living in the real world where things are more than just me and what I can control.
So, now that I've realized this- what am I supposed to do about it? There isn't anything I CAN do about it- that's another annoying thing about wanting relationships with people and needing people in my life- I can't force it. I don't have control- I have to just let it happen. Newsflash people- I'm not a very patient person.
Guess this is a test for me- a test of whether or not I can move past my control freak ways and learn to just live and let go.
Well- I guess what I want is no longer a secret- now I just have to be able to admit it to others...when appropriate. Okay, mostly- I have to admit and accept it MYSELF because I'm still thinking - "NO LISA, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WANT THAT- IT IS NOT OKAY TO REALLY WANT A FAMILY"
xoxo -Lisa
"to be a wife and mom" !(@*&!P(*#&!(P@*!
WHAT?! NO.
So, when that was the first thought that came to my head- i panicked, left the group room and didn't go back ( yes, very therapeutically productive- I know ). It's scary. It's scary as hell to know that what I want-deep down- is someone to take care of me and someone for me to take care of. I want something stable and this involves...NEEDING OTHER PEOPLE ( this is a concept I've fought for a long time with my therapists ). Needing someone- having needs, that makes me needy and high maintenance- I don't want to be that. But, I am- I have to accept that. I am needy. I am a sensitive person and I ... have needs ( that painful to type...) I want someone to hold my hand, someone to hug me and tell me that it'll all be okay ( and that too was painful to type...)
A career goal is concrete- I can work hard at it and achieve it. I can't "work hard" on relationships and have a family, relationships, etc come out of it. There is no formula for it. Nothing is guaranteed..it's completely out of my control.
A career/educational goal isn't. I study for a test- the time and quality of my studying should correlate directly with my exam score. Yeah- that's not how it works with relationships- someone else is involved- it's not something that I can complete control over. It's not concrete. IT IS SCARY. It's growing up. It's part of living in the real world where things are more than just me and what I can control.
So, now that I've realized this- what am I supposed to do about it? There isn't anything I CAN do about it- that's another annoying thing about wanting relationships with people and needing people in my life- I can't force it. I don't have control- I have to just let it happen. Newsflash people- I'm not a very patient person.
Guess this is a test for me- a test of whether or not I can move past my control freak ways and learn to just live and let go.
Well- I guess what I want is no longer a secret- now I just have to be able to admit it to others...when appropriate. Okay, mostly- I have to admit and accept it MYSELF because I'm still thinking - "NO LISA, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WANT THAT- IT IS NOT OKAY TO REALLY WANT A FAMILY"
xoxo -Lisa
welcome back! You know what's scary...realizing that what you really want, you might never have. :(
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