That's how I feel. I'm feeling okay right now and that scares me :-/ I'm scared that this is an up and it's not going to stay. I feel very very disconnected...and I feel honestly as if I'm floating through- just barely here but here enough to be present- barely though. I've been talking less in group just because my mind keeps getting distracted- where to? no where- to like a blank place. I look out the window and just stare.
I don't get it. Usually I'm hyper sensitive to my surroundings. Usually I'm pretty damn up and down quite quickly. I can't believe I've only been here in Denver for 7 days...I feel like I've been here a lot longer.
I'm still searching pretty pathetically for a job- I can't/refuse to keep free-loading off my parents. It makes me feel like shit pretty much.. OH it would make me feel like shit if I could feel. I know what it is I should probably be feeling but it's not there.
Could be because I'm not eating enough? Could I be purposefully numbing out? I don't know and that terrifies me. I guess I do have an emotion- I'm oddly content and that scares the shitttttt out of me. I'm so not used to it. Part of me almost wants to create drama for myself so that I can feel what I'm used to. I can feel my borderlined emotions and be IN the "drama triangle"
I want our group leader to be my therapist but I just don't think that she sees people individually outside of the program, so when I'm out of the E-IOP program- I won't get a chance to meet with her. That honestly makes me pretty damn angry... I really like and connect super well with her- the others that I've been going to- not so much. Speaking of the program- I saw my dietician yesterday and she told me that my weight is where she wants me to be. That also scares me because I've been restricting... I've def lost since I left Rosewood. I left at the world's most uncomfortable weight for me and with TERRIBLE TERRIBLE body image so I basically (re??) lapsed? I don't know and with her telling me that my weight is on the low end of where I need to be but it is where I should be...scares me because it makes me feel as if I should continue re-stricting...and 40% of me wants to stop and sadly- the other 60% is ED still screaming in my face.
Fuck this horrid HE called ED. I feel as if he'll never leave me and even if he is gone out of my life...he'll forever be a memory...
xoxo -Lisa
I don't get it. Usually I'm hyper sensitive to my surroundings. Usually I'm pretty damn up and down quite quickly. I can't believe I've only been here in Denver for 7 days...I feel like I've been here a lot longer.
I'm still searching pretty pathetically for a job- I can't/refuse to keep free-loading off my parents. It makes me feel like shit pretty much.. OH it would make me feel like shit if I could feel. I know what it is I should probably be feeling but it's not there.
Could be because I'm not eating enough? Could I be purposefully numbing out? I don't know and that terrifies me. I guess I do have an emotion- I'm oddly content and that scares the shitttttt out of me. I'm so not used to it. Part of me almost wants to create drama for myself so that I can feel what I'm used to. I can feel my borderlined emotions and be IN the "drama triangle"
I want our group leader to be my therapist but I just don't think that she sees people individually outside of the program, so when I'm out of the E-IOP program- I won't get a chance to meet with her. That honestly makes me pretty damn angry... I really like and connect super well with her- the others that I've been going to- not so much. Speaking of the program- I saw my dietician yesterday and she told me that my weight is where she wants me to be. That also scares me because I've been restricting... I've def lost since I left Rosewood. I left at the world's most uncomfortable weight for me and with TERRIBLE TERRIBLE body image so I basically (re??) lapsed? I don't know and with her telling me that my weight is on the low end of where I need to be but it is where I should be...scares me because it makes me feel as if I should continue re-stricting...and 40% of me wants to stop and sadly- the other 60% is ED still screaming in my face.
Fuck this horrid HE called ED. I feel as if he'll never leave me and even if he is gone out of my life...he'll forever be a memory...
xoxo -Lisa
I hope you choose to listen to the 40%. Eating disorders just take, take, take and they only pretend to give. I know it's so hard to recognize this when you're having urges to use behaviors, but I don't believe it's impossible.
ReplyDeleteI hope you give yourself credit for coming this far.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Being content is an odd feeling to get used to after a lot of life drama. But once you find yourself content with being content, it's a great feeling. I hope you can grip onto that 40% even though it feels so impossible.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you commented on my blog so I could start following yours :)
xxx
Thank you so much for your encouraging comment on my blog :)
ReplyDeleteI totally get what you're feeling right now. It's scary and it's hard but you can't give in to ED. Think about what goals you have in your life, and how much easier they will be to achieve without these ED thoughts. I know you can do this!!!!!
Thinking of you!