Doubt, Loss, Connection and Disconnection

I know I am here. Physically. However, I don't always feel human. Sometimes, I am a body that is just walking and talking. I am an animated consciousness. I recognize the world around me.  I recognize myself - from afar It's as if my consciousness is taking a step back outside of my body. Not only am I disconnected from my emotions, but I'm disconnected from my physical self. It's like walking through a lucid dream where nothing feels real but you are still aware that you control the direction and movement of events. My body functions to live. Just to live. Nothing else. I fade in and out. I leave my body and then I come back. In other words- I'm numb, then overwhelmed, then numb again. It's a cycle. It's tiring. very tiring. It's a cycle of intensity- black and white. nothing grey.

When I'm in this state- my emotions are dead. I become numb. I had a moment this morning of feeling- I told a good friend that I missed him and that for some reason really hit me hard- unfortunately it didn't snap me back into my body for long. Just for a few short seconds. My chest tightened up and I think one lone tear rolled down my cheek. Then I was gone again. And here I am. Going in and out of what I call- "emotional consciousness". When I feel detached from my own body, it only makes sense  that others wouldn’t be attached to me when I am not even attached to myself. I have an intense fear of being forgotten. My theory- out of sight, out of mind. If I’m not around, or I am not in some form of contact/communication with them, I don’t exist in their world. Do you know how many times I've wanted to tell someone that I feel as if I weren't in their face- they wouldn't even remember my existence? I always have to hold myself back from those exact intense words. I have an extraordinarily hard time holding onto the thought that people remember me, hold me dear or care for me when I am not in their physical presence. This creates a feeling of panic and loss for something that may actually be there and I need to find a way to reaffirm these feelings in myself and others every time I am back in contact with them. It’s a maddening cycle of doubt, loss, connection and disconnection. I think, when things get too intense- when this cycle is running in overdrive without any pause- I leave my body and brain.

In therapy, I was told that this happens to protect me. This happens when overwhelming emotions become too much to handle Something will be so excruciatingly taxing--- I'll be so emotionally worn out, that I'll suddenly notice that I no longer feel much at all. When overwhelming emotions become too much to handle, I can no longer compartmentalize everything. Things start to blur together. I don't know what goes where. It's like I'm a toddler and trying to shove a triangle in the hole that is shaped like a circle. Things are out of wack- out of control in my head. 

I need something to make me feel- even if it's just physical. That's one of the reasons I cut.  It helps me remember that I am human. It fails me when it's not enough.to bring me back. I hate being here but yet it's safe. I can't be hurt here. 

"But you're still in there, Lisa. You're tucked away in a corner looking back on yourself, but you can still reach your on body again" K

I'm too scared to reach my own body. I hate being in this place but to me leaving means instability. Nothing seems safe. It's overwhelming to me right now. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Maybe I should just stay where I am.