....well it looks like I found a psych, primary care doc and nutritionist at the Charis center- all that is left is a therapist. I'm not sure if I can see the others if I don't see the therapist is the problem...that leaves me with what I feel like is no voice... isn't that great?
I have an appt with another outside therapist tomorrow afternoon and if I like her- I don't know what I'm going to do... part of me wants to cancel just in case I do like her so I don't have to deal with the issue and instead just see the stern therapist who seems nice... but I like to have my options open...should I just cancel? UGH. I don't know- I don't like to just throw away an option if I don't have to. I have a good feeling about this therapist but I've had a hell of a time finding a psychiatrist...the one I saw the other day I did not like at all...I guess if it comes down to it- I'll see the new therapist and the odd psychiatrist.
I was thinking in the car while driving home if I would live my life over again the way it's been and the answer to that is a big fat fucking no. I would do so much differently. I know this is a total case of the what ifs...but i would have pretty much ...been more perfect. I know that sounds ridiculous but I wish my grades were higher so I'd have more doors open for me for graduate school- I'm totally regretting some of my undergraduate nights that I should have spent at the library instead...oh yeah and the day i started purging and cutting- that too...o right- also the guys I dated- would I do it again because I learned something or whatever that cliche is? NO.
I'd keep my support and friends though- those are basically the only relationships I treasure.
xoxo -Lisa
I was thinking in the car while driving home if I would live my life over again the way it's been and the answer to that is a big fat fucking no. I would do so much differently. I know this is a total case of the what ifs...but i would have pretty much ...been more perfect. I know that sounds ridiculous but I wish my grades were higher so I'd have more doors open for me for graduate school- I'm totally regretting some of my undergraduate nights that I should have spent at the library instead...oh yeah and the day i started purging and cutting- that too...o right- also the guys I dated- would I do it again because I learned something or whatever that cliche is? NO.
I'd keep my support and friends though- those are basically the only relationships I treasure.
xoxo -Lisa
I can totally relate to what you're saying in the last few paragraphs. If I could live my life over there would be so many things I would do differently. Although I think we have to remember that if we HAD control over what happened we wouldn't have always made the choices we made. But an eating disorder is just that-- a disorder. Not a choice. We have to forgive ourselves.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
You can always do what I did and get a good therapist and an efficient psych. At least then you can get good therapy and the right meds. It's hard to find one doc or even two fantastic docs that can do that.
ReplyDeletehaha I TOTALLY get you on the whole not living life again. No thanks. No way!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can figure out the psych situation,
Thank you so much for supportive comments you've been giving me, I really really appreciate them!
xxx
Here is some truth and tough love. Stay with the stern one. You need someone who will call you out and be honest with you. It may be nice to have a sweet and easily manipulated therapist but it will not be good for you in the end. You have to take a strong stance when recovering from borderline. Well, I know you don't ever really recover but you can gain some control. Remember that borderlines are infamous for manipulating their therapist so you need to be careful that you are not looking to do that.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for being so proactive in your search for treatment. I am so confident you will do well.
And living life again....yeah right! I to would change many things like never picking up alcohol. Hmmmm...recovery is hard and I only want the best for you.
I hope things work out with all of the treatment people. I hope the T is a good one. :)
ReplyDelete