moving anywhere is hard. I had forgotten just HOW hard. Being back home right now is hard. I know going back to Denver on Thursday will be hard.
I've almost been missing the nice little bubble of treatment. I forget sometimes how miserable I was when I was there. I forget how everyday I was there I wanted to get out, how I hated almost every single staff member...I forget those and even though I just wrote that all down- I don't feel it...not like I used to. Instead, I'm sitting here ( with freedom ) wishing I could somehow go back. Yet, I know I can't relapse on purpose to go back...the real world is going to come eventually...treatment is an avoidance of real life but i can only avoid so long. At some point--- I HAVE to enter back into it. I HAVE to get a real life job- I want to hide away and be a serial student...I REALLY DO. IF I COULD DO EVERY PHD program in the world- I WOULD.
I hate this. I hate having my hands tied... which is how I feel. stuck. very very stuck. My dad asked me why I drew this picture...I couldn't answer him honestly...
xoxo -Lisa
I've almost been missing the nice little bubble of treatment. I forget sometimes how miserable I was when I was there. I forget how everyday I was there I wanted to get out, how I hated almost every single staff member...I forget those and even though I just wrote that all down- I don't feel it...not like I used to. Instead, I'm sitting here ( with freedom ) wishing I could somehow go back. Yet, I know I can't relapse on purpose to go back...the real world is going to come eventually...treatment is an avoidance of real life but i can only avoid so long. At some point--- I HAVE to enter back into it. I HAVE to get a real life job- I want to hide away and be a serial student...I REALLY DO. IF I COULD DO EVERY PHD program in the world- I WOULD.I hate this. I hate having my hands tied... which is how I feel. stuck. very very stuck. My dad asked me why I drew this picture...I couldn't answer him honestly...
xoxo -Lisa
1) I totally know how you feel about missing the treatment bubble. Treatment is tough, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, but sometimes the "real world" is tougher, and sometimes it feels like you don't have as much support to get through it.
ReplyDelete2) You drew that picture? Wow. Color me impressed!
Wishing you well,
NOS
God do I know that feeling.....it kills me all i wanted to do was get to normal life, but then i realized that the "normal" things + fighting ED is EXAUSTING. Eventually we will find the balance but we just have to keep pushing through as hard as it might be.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU
The real world can totally suck but it can also be totally amazing if you stick with it, I think you're strong.
ReplyDeletexx
ps. Wow that picture is good! You've got skills!
I can completely relate to missing treatment and being afraid to face "the real world"- you're not alone. <3 Hang in there, Lisa! I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteHey Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog, so I don't know too much about you yet, but I think I agree with the treatment being a bubble. I've actually never been to an ED treatment center (though I've been inpatient at a mental health unit last summer), but I think I'll go try PHP soon. I feel like I mostly want to do it to avoid the real world for a while, in particular my job. I don't think I hate my job - it's mostly that I really cannot function with this ED and depression crap because it always makes me feel very negative, tired and hopeless.
Anyway, hope you will be doing better soon. Paying full price for therapy must suck. I'm not sure if I'd do it, even though I really like my current therapist. I may have to pay for the PHP out of pocket and then eventually get reimbursed for 80% of it. Well, if I choose the out-of-network PHP. I'll see... I also feel like paying a lot for treatment may make me more committed to trying hard to get better.
Anyway, great drawing :-) And good luck!