Independently dependent

- - - - - - -from (8/09/2010) my old blog (http://consequencesofimpulsivity.blogspot.com/)... I feel the need to share this again...

It wasn't until recently that even my closest friends knew the true distorted inner working of my mind. Had many of them known, I don't think I'd have any female friends. Another thing that is between me, my therapist and the long gone Dr. M. It was a way that I was vulnerable to Dr. M and NM to a far greater extent than I had been to anyone else in my life. They knew the darkest secrets within me. It forced me to trust them and need them more than anyone ( even my parents ) before. It forced me to discover the two particular sides of me.

The half of where I am strong, independent and self sufficient and basically a hardened facade that I think most saw through anyway. I would make it seem like I don't get a shit, i'm too tough to be hurt, i'm a big girl, i can take care of myself, i don't need to trust a soul. To that side of me, trust was an open invite to be completely fucked over. To me, this side was male. Only one problem here... I'm not male. I'm female. there is no denying that. But this side of me is a portrait of manhood as I perceive it to be. I often joke with friends that I forget that guys have emotions too...that's because part of me truly believes they don't and I want to be like that too.

The other half is the vulnerable one, whom I am not nearly as comfortable or familiar with, whose presence seemed to have been given life through extreme situation and therapy. When the other half of me made a giant barricade of walls...or bubble wrap (joke) in self protection. This other half, who I dubbed the female was the antithesis, a font of raw openness.. I trust the wrong people and could not make sense of those who would not return such trust with love. It was if the vulnerability itself, the willingness to be fucked ( both figuratively and literally ) would somehow protect me. This part of me is ruled purely by emotion, always thirsting for love, seeking it everywhere with anyone and suffering great pain when it didn't ( DOESN'T) work out. I'm intimidated by power, never seek it and was content to be a follower if it would gain acceptance and love.

I was as dependent as I was independent ( one half and the other, two extremes ). I would give myself up completely if i could only, somehow be taken care of and when that didn't work I screamed self sustainability. That I didn't really need anyone and I would tell myself, never again would I let the emotional side take over.

Neither fragmented identity of mine is admirable. Both are such extremes it's sickening. Neither appear worthy to me or lovable. But atleast i could respect the tough, self sustainable side, which is, perhaps, why i tried to show this side more Each side I have hates the other. It's the tough side that I have a hard time giving up, the walls, it's been protecting me and my mechanism for survival. I need to meld the two together and find a balance and stop only respecting one extreme and finding the other sickening. Being a vulnerable female is fine for anyone else, but not for me...It's inconsistent and I know it makes no sense.

Given an honest choice, I'd prefer to be emotionless and ignorant. But...no not really because as someone very wise once said to me... only the lucky ones get to dig deep into their problems and truly know. ignorance isn't bliss. ignorance is embarrassment almost.

xoxo -Lisa