"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Getting back up after a long fall down...

I have to get my ass in gear. Which means the first thing I need to do is lessen my symptoms...so i can GAIN fucking weight. That's the hardest part of this entire thing right now.

It's not like "Lisa stop b/p" - it's "Lisa gain about x number of lbs"

I CAN'T ( WON'T as my therapist said to replace all can'ts with won'ts ) do this.

WEIGHT GAIN MAKES MY ED FLIP HIS SHIT.

I CANNOT go back into treatment. I have a feeling if I get weighed at this weight- I'm going to be thrown in the php program here. I have an AMAZING job that I can't lose. I need to do this and also- I need to learn how to live and stay in recovery in a normal life setting. I've been in enough treatment centers to know WHAT to do. I have to work hard and do this...

but it's soooo hard.... the idea of weight gain. HOW DID I LET MYSELF SLIDE THIS FAR OFF THE RECOVERY WAGON?
 
Can I do this on my own? It seems impossible to just do it on my own....( by own i mean with an outpatient team...not ALL ALONE )

I NEED TO RECOVER.

HOW THE HELL DID I LET IT GET THIS FAR?!


xoxo -Lisa
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7 comments:

  1. Suzanne LesleyJune 19, 2011 at 9:41 PM

    i know you can do this, lisa! it'll be hard, constant work, but i KNOW you can. you're strong. i think you just forgot how to be. i LOVE you! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nikki (Sarah)June 20, 2011 at 9:03 AM

    you can do it...one shaky step at a time

    ReplyDelete
  3. EliseJune 20, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    you can do this! you are an amazing, strong, beautiful young woman and you have all the strength in the world to fight this horrible beast we call ED. You have all of the tools to fight him, love, show him what you're made of.
    love you forever sis

    ReplyDelete
  4. JCJune 20, 2011 at 8:11 PM

    I'm really proud of you for having your mind made up about this. ED's are so hard to conquer, I know this because I played with it for long enough that it screwed me up enough to realize that I cannot continue to live if I don't stop, I really mean that. It's a long story but if I didn't find a way out, my life would be over. I feel like I was lucky because it is such a slippery slope. I have faith that these behaviours can stop, especially if you want them to. It just takes time, and it can be a really painful process. I still struggle with my body image and probably always will. But I don't have panic attacks when I eat. I think that's a success. I don't think about food all the time either. I have a life and I'm never thinking about ED stuff. It's a GREAT way to live! You WILL get through this. Keep up the awesome self-talk, girl! You may fall down but try, try, try because eventually you're going to fly :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Borderline LilJune 21, 2011 at 1:24 AM

    You can do this Lisa!! You are strong and smart and you can beat ED. I believe in you. You know what you have to do!

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  6. battleinmindJune 21, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Total 100% we all believe in you. Ed's are sneaky bastards that can sneak in and suddenly WHAM, a relapse. But we can still take steps to get out of a relapse.
    xxx

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  7. MJJune 23, 2011 at 2:33 PM

    hi lis, of course you can do this. (just like everyone above me has already said.) you can do it because you deserve it. sending my love, megan

    p.s. call me if you need support or someone to talk to! i'd love to chat :)

    ReplyDelete

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