"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Time to be brave...

...time to own up to my actions. I've got to tell my therapist that today was one big giant fuck up mess. When I self destruct- I guess I go all out. All of my coping mechanisms ( well healthy ones ) fly out of my head and instead I use every single self destructing behavior I have. WHY do I do this? WHY DO I BINGE/PURGE? WHY DO I TAKE LAXATIVES? WHY DO I CUT? WHY DO I RESTRICT? WHY WHY WHY DAMMIT....

I'm struggling right now. I have moments of really wanting recovery- of really trying and I have other moments where I just want to give in. I have nothing left in me to fight sometimes. I just want to lay down, fall asleep- wake up and have everything be okay.... to have a good day---- one that isn't interrupted by ED thoughts every few minutes. I just want to be okay... that's all I ask for.

Nancy still hasn't responded to my email and she probably never will. that pisses me off and makes me feel like shit. I think I need to cut all ties with nancy and amy...but that saddens me...A LOT. TOO MUCH EVEN. AGH. I don't know.

I think I might start vlogging again... I'm not going to post on here everytime that I update my vlog but I will post the link to my youtbue channel this one time.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OogKyCF-wwc&feature=channel_video_title
 
xoxo -Lisa
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7 comments:

  1. SairsJune 13, 2011 at 3:11 AM

    EDs and self harm thoughts are so hard to deal with, it's no wonder you are feeling so defeated and awful about how your life is going or should I say how you feel it's going. I have found since I recovered from my eating disorder and put on weight, that looking back on my perception then, it was so screwed up it wasn't funny. Even now it's still a little screwy and I don't think I will ever be able to see my size/weight for what it actually is because I always think I a higher than I really am or that I look bigger than I am. With the self harm, it's so hard to stop or to stop thinking about it. It's like you think it, then you spend the rest of your day saying don't think about it, which is really just inviting it in if you know what I mean. It's like saying don't look at XXX and you look because it's been mentioned. Anyway, just wanted to say that I think you are doing awesome in your struggles. It may not feel like it but you are. Well done my friend and as always, I am thinking of you :)
    *hugs*
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 4:20 AM

    I hope you manage to be honest with your therapist.

    I can relate a lot to this- that it's hard to utilise healthy coping mechanisms in place of self harm or bingeing and purging. I think there are no easy answers to why you do it, if it were that easy to stop there would be far less people with ED or self harm issues.

    Hard to see now, but who knows, maybe one day it will be okay. x

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  3. battleinmindJune 13, 2011 at 5:46 AM

    I'm sorry you're struggling bad at the moment. I really hope you can speak to your therapist. Sending lots of hugs.
    xxx

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  4. AnonymousJune 13, 2011 at 6:48 AM

    I've had those days. More often than not recently. They are absolutely awful. I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch. Sometimes we have to intervene on ourselves or have others intervene on us. It's hard to do that over the computer-- is there anyone in your life that could interrupt the symptoms? Are you safe?

    Hang on, lovely.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  5. Nic June 13, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    Thinking of you right now, sweetie. Remember: you are strong. xxx P

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  6. PigtailsJune 13, 2011 at 5:01 PM

    I think sometimes we (borderlines) go back to our dangerous ways so much because that's what we are used to and what we are comfortable and familiar with. I knoiw it's hard to challenge yourself , but I know you can do it! Stay strong!
    Also, thanks for commenting on my blog.

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  7. Suzanne LesleyJune 13, 2011 at 9:58 PM

    i love you, lisa. i know you can be strong. <3

    ReplyDelete

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"Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you."