OMG- so I did end up emailing Nancy and the whole thing turned into a clusterfuck all within one day. She expressed concern about me meeting with her and wanted to speak with A about it. I got really upset and emailed her back and she emailed me back in a very stern/putting up boundaries but soft way. I'm still not very used to her with these boundaries... in fact- I'm not used to them at all. All it made me do was curl up into a ball and cry. I cried for atleast one hour straight and then stupidly got out my razors... way to go Lisa.
Then due to this whole fiasco I emailed Nancy and said fuck it ( well not those exact words ) but basically I've decided I am not ready to see you and I want to leave things where they were before I emailed you.
Y'all were right. Some relationships just end and I have to learn how to deal with it. It still sends me into a reel of tears though. Why does one person matter so much to me? WHY?!
xoxo -Lisa
ps- I got offered a big girl job- one for college graduates- full time- etc. and of course instead of celebrating yesterday i spent the day in tears over Nancy. GREAT. JUST GREAT. >.<
but on the bright side- I didn't purge on Monday and only purged like twice yesterday. Hopefully no purging or cutting today.
Then due to this whole fiasco I emailed Nancy and said fuck it ( well not those exact words ) but basically I've decided I am not ready to see you and I want to leave things where they were before I emailed you.
Y'all were right. Some relationships just end and I have to learn how to deal with it. It still sends me into a reel of tears though. Why does one person matter so much to me? WHY?!
xoxo -Lisa
ps- I got offered a big girl job- one for college graduates- full time- etc. and of course instead of celebrating yesterday i spent the day in tears over Nancy. GREAT. JUST GREAT. >.<
but on the bright side- I didn't purge on Monday and only purged like twice yesterday. Hopefully no purging or cutting today.
Congratulations on your job offer! :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
congrats on your job offer and good luck with the no purging or s/i
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things with Nancy didn't go as you wanted them to go. It's really hard when people don't fulfill our hopes. I think us eating disordered gals really thrive on controlling, and when there's something we can't control it does NOT feel good. (I don't mean that to sound critical in any way.)
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your job offer! That's great! I know that yesterday you weren't able to celebrate, but maybe do something for yourself today? A manicure? Something that feels good.
I'm rooting for you!
Wishing you well,
NOS
People rarely respond the way we'd like them to, and boy doesn't it suck. Sorry you did not get the closure you were after from Nancy. Try and stay focused on the positives, like your awesome job offer - you go girl!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sad for you right now. I realize it is hard to let go of relationships but it just happens. As people grow they often go in different directions. It happens to everyone...absolutely everyone in the world has had to let go of one relationship or another at sometime in their lives. So do not feel that you have done something wrong and that is why the relationship is gone...it just happens.
ReplyDeleteI am excited you were offered such a serious job offer! Do you think you will take it?
PS: I used to beat myself up over my mistakes and how they resulted in me losing a friend but in truth....if they will not forgive me for my past indiscretions then they are not worthy of my energy and time. It doesn't mean I do not love them but just that I have moved on just as they have.
(hugs)