"Bear in mind you have a life to live. There is an incredible loss. There is a profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier." -Marya Hornbacher

Monday, May 2, 2011

sit with it...

I had my first session with A today that wasn't an intake. It went really well I think. She's a lot softer than I expected and her boundaries are a good thing for me. I need to sit with a lot of things in my life that I really don't know how to sit with. The first one being the feeling of being full. The second one being emotions in general...speaking of emotions...I started to discuss my relationship with Nancy with A towards the end of our session and of course burst out into uncontrollable retarded looking tears. I wish just wish I could truly explain how I feel towards that relationship. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it and it confuses me so much. It's not like a breakup feeling but yet it is. Sometimes I wish I could just let Nancy know how much she hurt me but I don't know... I really don't.

I'm going down to Atlanta in June and I am debating if i should ask Nancy if I can meet w/her so that I can tie up some of the loose ends I'm discovering now. I have questions to ask her and things I need to say. Yet, I'm afraid that she'll reject me and say that she doesn't think we should meet. I'm terrified of that and I don't think I could take no for an answer... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I want to use my voice but I'm terrified.

Sometimes... I wish I could just have other people KNOW how I feel. It's too hard to always express it. It's too hard to be in recovery. I didn't purge today but lord knows how little I ate as well...I just can't ...seem to get away from symptoms. It seems to be one or another. 

I don't know- i just know I haven't purged today and I don't want to fuck that up. :)

xoxo -Lisa
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10 comments:

  1. middle childMay 2, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    *HUGS*

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  2. AnonymousMay 2, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    I am thrilled that therapy went so well! If I were you I would sit on the idea of seeing Nancy. Some relationships just end....it is a natural thing to go separate ways. Don't make to much of it or it will drive you bonkers.

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  3. BillMay 2, 2011 at 11:00 PM

    I am so glad that therapy went well. Thanks for letting us know!

    Also: good job not purging today.

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  4. Borderline LilMay 3, 2011 at 12:21 AM

    Good for you Lisa - on dealing with a new therapist and not purging. One step at a time, beautiful xx

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  5. AnonymousMay 3, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    ''Sometimes... I wish I could just have other people KNOW how I feel.''

    ME TOO!

    i guess the hard thing is that we can explain it until we are blue in the face, but people will never be able to look inside your head and actually understand just how huge the feelings are.

    well done not purgeing. every achievement counts.
    xxxx

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  6. FallonMay 3, 2011 at 7:45 PM

    Good for you! It may be best to not see Nancy right now. I know, it's hard not to get complete closure with someone, but sometimes it just ends and you have to just let it go. I have the same problem but am learning to deal with it. :) I'm so glad your session went well!

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  7. BtFMay 4, 2011 at 2:47 AM

    I'm with you in it being hard to express how you feel...

    Hope the new therapist works out for you. xx

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  8. AnonymousMay 4, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    "Sometimes... I wish I could just have other people KNOW how I feel. It's too hard to always express it. It's too hard to be in recovery. I didn't purge today but lord knows how little I ate as well...I just can't ...seem to get away from symptoms. It seems to be one or another."

    Oh my god. That's my life you're talking about! I want everyone to know how badly I feel 24/7, but I don't want to tell them because I feel like if I tell them then it defeats the purpose-- they should know because they should be paying attention to me.

    I'm glad your appointment with A went well. A new beginning?!?

    Thank you for the comment you left on my blog in my absence-- it's very meaningful to me to know that people notice when I'm not around.

    Hang on, okay?

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  9. battleinmindMay 4, 2011 at 9:11 AM

    So glad the appt went well! I understand what you mean about the relationship with Nancy, that pretty acuratly describes the relationship I had with my mentor, I had to let go as she is getting married and moving soon. It genuinly felt like a break up (pain, feeling rejected, guilt, sadness etc.) but now we have a 'healthier' relationship and I don't rely on her help or support.
    xxx

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  10. LilyMay 4, 2011 at 9:13 AM

    Glad you didn't purge!

    Hang in there Lisa - use your voice!!! Don't let your important thoughts and words go unspoken...

    ReplyDelete

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"Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you."