I sent Nancy an email last night- "I really really just want a hug. Would you do that or is there a reason you wouldn't?" She emailed me back basically saying that the response was complicated and needed to be explained in person rather than through email/voicemail but to not expect a hug today. Well that threw me off emotionally for the majority of the morning. Amy's hugged me.... I just really want a hug from Nancy but.. yeah...I trust her for her reasons not to- it just still sucks. SUCKS ASS.
I went into Amy's office today and handed over everything I had in my apt that I had ever used to cut myself- I'm done- I really want to be done. It's never been this bad before. Amy helped me put gauze on it and wrap it up. I look retarded but that isn't the point.
To be honest: I can't recall what we talked about in my therapy sessions other than "Dr.W, me and Nancy are really worried about you" apparently- because I'm not remembering coherent conversations I've had with them. I'll remember that they called but not remember any of the context. Okay, i my defense this usually only happens when I woken up by the phone call. This has happened to me ever since I was put on seroquel a few months ago. They think it's because I'm "abusing my drugs"
I may be messing around w/my klonopin but not to get high or stoned... just to zonk me out because I want to sleep during the day when I'm not at work. I'm pretty deep into some odd depressive state. I just want out but I don't really know how. I feel the loneliest than I ever have. I could be standing in a room full of all my awesome friends ( no offense to y'all ) and still feel totally alone, but the worst part is gluing a fucking smile on my face and then interacting with others when all I want to do is cry and feel like I'm wanted.
IN OTHER NEWS- WHAT THE FUCK. Justin Bieber has a MOVIE coming out that is a biography of his life. How old is he? Like 10? I want a movie about my life--- okay, actually I don't- everyone would know how crazy I am. BUT REALLY? The first time I heard his first hit...whatever it was called- I didn't know if it was a guy/girl singing it...someone hasn't hit puberty yet!
ALSO- I am ready- I'm ready to move forward this year with my therapy. I'm ready to try to stop acting out. I'm ready to ask what I want and to answer what I need to this year. I want to get the most out of therapy this year that I can. ( hence: me putting myself out there and asking Nancy for a hug...which I still don't totally get why she won't, since other therapists have.." but eh. I'm going to continue to ask questions regardless of whether or not I may get rejected. How else are they supposed to help me if I'm not honest?
I see my dietician in 2 days. I've dropped... uh quite a few lbs since she last saw me. shit. And to be honest- I don't want to deal with my eating disorder right now. I almost honestly don't care about that part- I have no goal weight- I have no active desires to use symptoms- I'm too entrenched to trying to not lock myself in my closet and stare at the walls for days on end. I want to deal with my emotional state that makes me want to cut, abuse my drugs, sleep all day ( basically my depression hah ) and my lack of personality first. I know dealing with all of those things ALONG with the stress of trying to follow my meal plan perfectly...will drive me up the wall and I'll probably say fuck it and walk away.
Please believe- I REALLY AM TRYING- sometimes it seems like I'm giving in and I may be for the time being but dealing with all of this is just so exhausting..but I am trying. I really am.
Holy mother of god- this was a depressing post. shit sorry y'all. on a positive note : I GET PAID FRIDAY!!!! so I'll have more than $7.84 in my checking account...lol
I just want my personality back. I want my relationship with Nancy back. I want her to hug me.
xoxo -Lisa
I went into Amy's office today and handed over everything I had in my apt that I had ever used to cut myself- I'm done- I really want to be done. It's never been this bad before. Amy helped me put gauze on it and wrap it up. I look retarded but that isn't the point.
To be honest: I can't recall what we talked about in my therapy sessions other than "Dr.W, me and Nancy are really worried about you" apparently- because I'm not remembering coherent conversations I've had with them. I'll remember that they called but not remember any of the context. Okay, i my defense this usually only happens when I woken up by the phone call. This has happened to me ever since I was put on seroquel a few months ago. They think it's because I'm "abusing my drugs"
I may be messing around w/my klonopin but not to get high or stoned... just to zonk me out because I want to sleep during the day when I'm not at work. I'm pretty deep into some odd depressive state. I just want out but I don't really know how. I feel the loneliest than I ever have. I could be standing in a room full of all my awesome friends ( no offense to y'all ) and still feel totally alone, but the worst part is gluing a fucking smile on my face and then interacting with others when all I want to do is cry and feel like I'm wanted.
IN OTHER NEWS- WHAT THE FUCK. Justin Bieber has a MOVIE coming out that is a biography of his life. How old is he? Like 10? I want a movie about my life--- okay, actually I don't- everyone would know how crazy I am. BUT REALLY? The first time I heard his first hit...whatever it was called- I didn't know if it was a guy/girl singing it...someone hasn't hit puberty yet!ALSO- I am ready- I'm ready to move forward this year with my therapy. I'm ready to try to stop acting out. I'm ready to ask what I want and to answer what I need to this year. I want to get the most out of therapy this year that I can. ( hence: me putting myself out there and asking Nancy for a hug...which I still don't totally get why she won't, since other therapists have.." but eh. I'm going to continue to ask questions regardless of whether or not I may get rejected. How else are they supposed to help me if I'm not honest?
I see my dietician in 2 days. I've dropped... uh quite a few lbs since she last saw me. shit. And to be honest- I don't want to deal with my eating disorder right now. I almost honestly don't care about that part- I have no goal weight- I have no active desires to use symptoms- I'm too entrenched to trying to not lock myself in my closet and stare at the walls for days on end. I want to deal with my emotional state that makes me want to cut, abuse my drugs, sleep all day ( basically my depression hah ) and my lack of personality first. I know dealing with all of those things ALONG with the stress of trying to follow my meal plan perfectly...will drive me up the wall and I'll probably say fuck it and walk away.
Please believe- I REALLY AM TRYING- sometimes it seems like I'm giving in and I may be for the time being but dealing with all of this is just so exhausting..but I am trying. I really am.
Holy mother of god- this was a depressing post. shit sorry y'all. on a positive note : I GET PAID FRIDAY!!!! so I'll have more than $7.84 in my checking account...lol
I just want my personality back. I want my relationship with Nancy back. I want her to hug me.
xoxo -Lisa
Remember - if Nancy doesn't hug you, it isn't you. Don't take it as rejection. It could be part of her training or a personality thing. And,...you won't feel this but I can assure you it is warm, long and genuine,.....*HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI agree with Middle child....it is part of her training. It is not what you have done or have not done. Really. I know this is a lame response but it's true.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments on my blog--they mean so much to me.
I agree with you about Justin Bieber--that actually made me laugh.
Hang in there, I know you will get through this.
I can relate totally to wanting to be hugged. I would desperately like L to hug me, but I am too scared to ask for fear of rejection. And in case she thinks I am strange for asking. Sometimes I just really want a hug though. Sometimes I have thought about asking, but just not been able to bring myself to do it. I guess different therapies have different boundaries which is maybe why Amy will and Nancy won't. Take care. xx
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteI know we haven't talked in a while, but trust me if Nancy doesn't want to hug you, it's not you. Amy probably hugged you because she had a different view on patient and therapist relationships.
xoxo - Lindsey
I guess I just dont get why a hug is a big deal. Then again, I have bpd too, so the bar isn't really even for me. I think you're doing well. You got through Nancy being gone and even though you had some slips, you made it! Give yourself some kudos for that. :)
ReplyDeleteI am SO SO proud of you for going to Amy's today and giving her your things and showing her your arms. You can do this. Oh and you owe me a movie so "Never Say Never" date next Friday payday it is? ;)
ReplyDeleteI can see how hard you are trying. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to keep working toward overcoming these things.
ReplyDeleteI agree with ladybug5004...so, so proud that you are addressing the SH. It's been five days for me and I had a complete meltdown today trying to cut...but I still didn't give in. It's never enough anyway.
It isn't easy...but one day it'll all be worth it. Don't give up.
heyyyy babe i loveee you so much. and i know how hard it is. everything you said makes so much sense. I think you need to give yourself credit for handing over what you would use to cut to amy because honestly sometimes we feel like we can just keep it around "in case" things get this bad again. and it is especially a big step to do it while you are feeling like you are in a low place.
ReplyDeletefeeling alone within a group of people is terrible, and having people not recognize that your smile is fake makes it even harder. you are so strong I love you. keep fighting <3
((HUG)) Keep up the hard work girl. You can push through this! ((HUG))
ReplyDelete