i feel stuck. I want to get my Psy.D but the pre reqs I need to talk i can't take until Fall of 2011. That's 8 months away. I need to keep this part time job so I can work this job while in school. i am hoping to start my doctoral program in Fall of 2012.
Well... there is NOTHING I need to do to put that plan in action at the moment. i need to keep this job so I can't go job hunting. I think my issue right now is that things aren't changing for me. i'm not dealing with any giant life changes and i have nothing to really work towards. i feel like I am just sitting here waiting for august to roll around.
Now...about my meds- i'm on seroquel, lamictal, prozac and klonopin. okay. I lived 21 years of my life without that shit. I am seriously considering on stopping them. I want to stop therapy- if I had never gotten involved with therapy- i feel like i'd be in a better place. I wouldn't be such a wreck. I had always managed to snap in and out of my ED behaviors and honestly- my coping mechanisms helped keep me safe. I never felt extreme emotions like I do now. i had ways to stop that. What is the point in feeling debilitating emotions.
all I want is the life i had back. the life I had back in college- being in classes- busy all the time- not dealing w/all these stupid introspection things of the past. i was so much more functional then, less overwhelmed even though i was doing more...
I just felt like I was going somewhere with life- doing something that would lead to SOMETHING.
what the hell am i doing now? working a part time job that I will admit- is really relaxing and... doing individual therapy twice a week. so what do i do on the days i don't work and don't have therapy or even on the days i do have therapy but since it's only for an hour...what do i do? you tell me- because i sure as hell don't know.
I feel like i want to just be put in a medically induced coma until this fall when i can go back to school and start working towards something again. All I really know how to be is a student...
xoxo -Lisa
Well... there is NOTHING I need to do to put that plan in action at the moment. i need to keep this job so I can't go job hunting. I think my issue right now is that things aren't changing for me. i'm not dealing with any giant life changes and i have nothing to really work towards. i feel like I am just sitting here waiting for august to roll around.
Now...about my meds- i'm on seroquel, lamictal, prozac and klonopin. okay. I lived 21 years of my life without that shit. I am seriously considering on stopping them. I want to stop therapy- if I had never gotten involved with therapy- i feel like i'd be in a better place. I wouldn't be such a wreck. I had always managed to snap in and out of my ED behaviors and honestly- my coping mechanisms helped keep me safe. I never felt extreme emotions like I do now. i had ways to stop that. What is the point in feeling debilitating emotions.
all I want is the life i had back. the life I had back in college- being in classes- busy all the time- not dealing w/all these stupid introspection things of the past. i was so much more functional then, less overwhelmed even though i was doing more...
I just felt like I was going somewhere with life- doing something that would lead to SOMETHING.
what the hell am i doing now? working a part time job that I will admit- is really relaxing and... doing individual therapy twice a week. so what do i do on the days i don't work and don't have therapy or even on the days i do have therapy but since it's only for an hour...what do i do? you tell me- because i sure as hell don't know.
I feel like i want to just be put in a medically induced coma until this fall when i can go back to school and start working towards something again. All I really know how to be is a student...
xoxo -Lisa
"What is the point in feeling emotions."
ReplyDelete- quoted from miss bpd above
<3 you.
I feel like this every day. Just remember, the hardest part of BPD is that we quit. We run away from therapy and meds, because it makes us uncomfortable. And, like my therapist has told me many times, just because it feels painful now, doesn't mean that it's not good for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to start your doctorate! You have a good job for what you need it to be. You're seeing your therapist, which means you are trying to help yourself. We all have our coping mechanisms, and we struggle with them. I'm the exact same way as you, when I'm not advancing my life forward, I get to where I'm pretty much suicidal. Being "happy" is uncomfortable for me. I think you just need to find something to distract you. I took up knitting. :)
I know you can do this, you just have to tell yourself that you can.
I know just what you mean. I quit therapy after a few months because I thought I was better off without it. But I quickly relapsed, and started to truly understand the saying "no way out but through." Therapy makes things so much hard for a long time, but it has a great payoff. I finally have health insurance again, so I'm looking for a new therapist now.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with school stuff. I know how frustrating that all can be. But take your time. There's no rush.
Hmm, I guess I kinda know how you feel/: Not being busy kinda sucks. It's really boring. I do get what you're saying about the meds though. My aunt is on soooo many and it just makes her even worse. Some she doesn't even need!
ReplyDeleteIn the end, you have to do what feels right for you. It will all work out, don't worry(: