I'm cured! "You must not have an eating disorder"

You ate pizza, you obvi don't have an ED vlog

So, i basically explained in my video why I am totally all cured and DON'T have an eating disorder anymore- according to ignorant idiots. I seriously hate the stereotype of eating disordered people. 

1) we don't all weigh 70lbs and look emaciated

2) we DO EAT

3)We're not all mid upper class white "princesses", anyone can succumb to this

4) It's not about the weight ( the core isn't )

5) We aren't shallow idiots who want to look like the celebrities on magazine covers

okay, end of that rant. But yes, so I laughed it off but I do admit, it was a bit awkward... but I did LOVE the pizza and brownie sundae I had there. 

ALSO- before I forget "It's 2011. yay." okay, so yes there was sarcasm in that statement. It feels like just another day for me. I've made daily goals for myself- well I started to yesterday- let's see how long this lasts. but it was to not purge! AND I DIDN'T! =) woo. but...I also had to supplement with Ensures because I didn't want to risk purging. I DID EAT but I knew not enough so I ended up with my best friend- the chocolate flavored Ensure. I know eventually I need to replace those with solid foods and not purge.

I don't want to lose weight but...gaining also scares the motherfuckin shit out of me...even tho I have lost since Nancy left but... i donno... MY ED is talking.... so I'm going to stop typing this thought...

so...let's see...new year's resolutions. Do I do them? NOT REALLY bc I ALWAYS FAIL.

but I do have some "goals" that i'd really like to achieve this year ( since it apparently might be the last year before the world ends..) ...which is basically the same thing as a resolution. hah

• I want to learn how to love ( okay, that will take more than just one year )
• I want to learn how to truly trust
• I need to start believing more people truly care about me than i think
• I want to eat healthy - not disordered healthy but ...legit healthy
• 
  
• I am thinking about maybe...just maybe... seeing if I can apply religion back into my life. I don't know... about this one though
• I want to not regret as much of 2011 as I do of 2010. 
• I want to learn to not regret 2010 because I've learned so much about myself
• I want to stop jumping in front of trains ( metaphorically ) - as Alex says... I see a trainwreck and go running towards it.
• I just want to have a calmer year than I have before
• I want to really realize that i need to take care of myself --- that I matter too and to keep myself a distance away from triggering things

Yano... lots of times people/whatever say that at a healthier weight they were happier. I...don't have those memories except for a few months this summer. The month of July. my weight was higher than it is now- within the healthy range- not my high weight and...I wasn't worrying about it and I did have fun in July. July was a good month for me. Things went downhill in August but that is the only time that i had not been  worrying about my weight since...I can remember.

By the time I was 12, I was scared of getting a double chin... and my weight has yo yo- ed but everytime it's at a higher more healthy weight- i hate myself- i'm disgusted and not satisfied w/my body and I keep thinking- okay, tomorrow- diet. THEN when I end up using symptoms- i'm not happy either. SO LOSE LOSE

I need a win- win situation this year. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL!!!

and this picture is dedicated to my lovely friend Katie ( who is not asian despite her Hello Kitty obsession- in fact she's as southern belle as ya get :P )- who is in treatment a like few thousand miles away from me. I hope it makes you ( and others ) laugh and brightens your day a little! 

xoxo -Lisa