I'm not here and I almost don't want to come back. I'm totally in limbo land. I hit a car- in a parking lot. barely fucking moving and instead of panicking or really even reacting- i thought shit and just sat in my car- called a friend and my dad...then felt nothing.
i feel like everything is all too much but at the same time nothing at all. I think I am getting so overwhelmed that I am literally disconnecting. I don't even want to come back-I feel like I literally can't at this moment. Everytime I do- I seem to black out because later I know that event happened but I can't recall details.
I'm realizing that there ARE NO get out of jail free cards- at least not for me ( it feels like ). Everything at some point comes back and bites me in the ass. HARD. Sometimes more traumatic things trump certain events but eventually I end up having to deal with it...even when I think I had escaped it, I never do.
Nancy called this morning because I left her a panicking voicemail last night. Uhm, I don't remember a single thing I said....but I do remember calling. I've had several instances of blacking out events in the last week by accident. Just I guess it was too much for me- i remember calling her and hanging up such as with other things I remember the before and after- but not the actual act. oops. [ sarcasm ]- black out example- and WHAT I GOT OUT OF THAT WAS puffy eyes- now i look so legit asian- the worst headache of my life- worse than any hangover.... o and I don't think I've woken up at all today. maybe that's why i hit a car... but back to Nancy.
Apparently the only things she understood were "you probably can't understand a thing i'm saying". hah. how ironic...bc I had no idea what I did say. I was able to be open and honest with her. I felt as if the entire time she was gone- I've done nothing by go back to old habits, make bad decisions and really fail miserably at trying to give her her space and de-tach for a while. She asked me something about regret- this phone conversation is something that I only remember bits and peices of... why? because i was crying the entire time- and I remember saying -- every single time I contacted you- i regret. I feel as if every single point on contact was just another failure. I honestly don't feel like I succeeded at a single thing over this break--- i don't know why i keep calling it a break- i graduated dammit.
but I'm scared. I'm scared to see her on the 20th because I feel like ...I feel so emotionally draining to deal with. I feel like I am difficult. OKAY, what the hell- I am difficult- i would NEVER NEVER date me or be my therapist. good lord- i feel sorry for any guy I've been involved with and for Nancy and Amy.
xoxo -Lisa
I'm realizing that there ARE NO get out of jail free cards- at least not for me ( it feels like ). Everything at some point comes back and bites me in the ass. HARD. Sometimes more traumatic things trump certain events but eventually I end up having to deal with it...even when I think I had escaped it, I never do.
Nancy called this morning because I left her a panicking voicemail last night. Uhm, I don't remember a single thing I said....but I do remember calling. I've had several instances of blacking out events in the last week by accident. Just I guess it was too much for me- i remember calling her and hanging up such as with other things I remember the before and after- but not the actual act. oops. [ sarcasm ]- black out example- and WHAT I GOT OUT OF THAT WAS puffy eyes- now i look so legit asian- the worst headache of my life- worse than any hangover.... o and I don't think I've woken up at all today. maybe that's why i hit a car... but back to Nancy.
Apparently the only things she understood were "you probably can't understand a thing i'm saying". hah. how ironic...bc I had no idea what I did say. I was able to be open and honest with her. I felt as if the entire time she was gone- I've done nothing by go back to old habits, make bad decisions and really fail miserably at trying to give her her space and de-tach for a while. She asked me something about regret- this phone conversation is something that I only remember bits and peices of... why? because i was crying the entire time- and I remember saying -- every single time I contacted you- i regret. I feel as if every single point on contact was just another failure. I honestly don't feel like I succeeded at a single thing over this break--- i don't know why i keep calling it a break- i graduated dammit.
but I'm scared. I'm scared to see her on the 20th because I feel like ...I feel so emotionally draining to deal with. I feel like I am difficult. OKAY, what the hell- I am difficult- i would NEVER NEVER date me or be my therapist. good lord- i feel sorry for any guy I've been involved with and for Nancy and Amy.
xoxo -Lisa
After reading this post I seriously just want to give you a hug. Because I really feel your pain and frustration and confusion and I can relate to every bit of it.
ReplyDelete"I would NEVER NEVER date me or be my therapist. good lord- i feel sorry for any guy I've been involved with and for Nancy and Amy." This , within context, I feel like all the time. I feel so messed up and like damaged goods that no one would or will ever want to be involved in my life.
But I realized that everyone has issues - EVERYONE. Whether we see them or not, or whether we see the full extent of what they entail, people have problems. You are going through a rough time right now and that's ok. You have the right to and no one thinks of you any worse because of it. You are valued and special to the people in your life, please believe that!
Hope you get through this rough patch ok. Just remember that the darkest hour is just before dawn and things will get better.
Take care!
It sounds like you are really beating yourself up for detaching. Go easy on yourself! It's a coping mechanism. Maybe not the most preferred one, but it's purpose is to get you through rough times and I know these past few weeks have been rough for you. You're doing everything you need to do-- getting through the day.
ReplyDeleteAnd the dating/therapist thing-- I have felt that way too. In fact, I do feel that way now. So you are not alone.
Wishing you well,
NOS