I just want to go back to being a student. It's all I really know how to do--- is be a college student that is super busy. A student with a job- a student running around like a chicken with it's head cut off- busy. I'm used to being busy.
... I am not busy now...I don't enjoy the time I have off because I have too much free time. Even though that's supposed to be good- having free time...
in fact that is the point. I'm supposed to be using this time to focus on me..my recovery. blah. I'm getting quite sick of focusing on me and growing up responsibly and doing the "right" thing.
Mostly, I'm getting quite sick of attaching true emotions to everything. I just want to do what I impulsively want to and deal w/the consequences the way I used to --- detachment. Hey, it worked for me for years. Its like riding a bike- I can still do it.
I don't do emotions well- they just kind of drive me a bit insane.
I just want to have fun- be productive- and have the personality that I used to have.
Growing up sucks and I don't want to anymore. I'll eat dammit- if eating will let me be who I was again. I'll fucking eat- not that I don't. I just want to go back to who I was. I liked that person better-- life was easier back then w/out all the emotions I'm supposed to have and I had more fun dammit.
xoxo -Lisa
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| Yes, ignore the ridiculousness of this picture. NYE 2009. holy shit- forever ago but, hey at least I did what I wanted to and HAD FUN. |
in fact that is the point. I'm supposed to be using this time to focus on me..my recovery. blah. I'm getting quite sick of focusing on me and growing up responsibly and doing the "right" thing.
Mostly, I'm getting quite sick of attaching true emotions to everything. I just want to do what I impulsively want to and deal w/the consequences the way I used to --- detachment. Hey, it worked for me for years. Its like riding a bike- I can still do it.
I don't do emotions well- they just kind of drive me a bit insane.
I just want to have fun- be productive- and have the personality that I used to have.
Growing up sucks and I don't want to anymore. I'll eat dammit- if eating will let me be who I was again. I'll fucking eat- not that I don't. I just want to go back to who I was. I liked that person better-- life was easier back then w/out all the emotions I'm supposed to have and I had more fun dammit.
xoxo -Lisa
Growing up is hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sometimes I still think I have a lot of growing up left to do-- and I'm 26. Almost 27. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteIt's so much easier being a little kid when you don't have hardly anything to worry about. However, I guess it's something we all have to go through.
Hang in there!
It sounds like you just want to live life and not let the negative things control you anymore, which, I can totally understand. I know I should have believed the adults when they told me I had it easy as a kid. If you do end up one day have a tendency toward being emotional (I do) then at some point, one day, you come face to face with it and have to learn what to do with them. Sometimes it means having them, sometimes not. But I find that you can never really get rid of them. They follow you around like a little puppy. haha- hey but that's not a terrible example if you think about it! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Lisa,
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading my blog and inviting me to yours. I didn't ever know you well enough to find out about your struggles (emotionally and physically). I like the sound of moving on with things and having fun as you mentioned in your post. I think doing some of those things can help us work through struggles, but don't get too crazy busy and ignore it altogether.
Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but I thought it might help.
You know what? I think eating will help. Eating regularly allows your mind to be occupied with other things-- things that you want-- because you're not obsessing about what to eat, where to eat, when to eat, how to purge. In my experiences in treatment they spend a lot of time doing activities because people tend to lose themselves in their eating disorder and they need to rediscover hobbies. Maybe you can try some hobbies? I know it's not that simple, but it's a start, right?
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
When I have too much free time I completely fall apart. I've been feeling much much better since I got a job.
ReplyDeleteI feel like once we leave college it's way harder than anyone expects. Because if you think about it, when has someone else NOT been structuring our lives? Our responsibilities are handed to us with deadlines and simple rules to follow. And when that is taken away from us, even though we always saw it as incredibly oppressive, it's like we are lost without an immediate purpose.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess I don't have any advice for wanting to go back to being a student, mainly because I am in the same boat, but I definitely sympathize with you on that one.
i totally agree! i think the more free time we have to think about our problems the worse they get. i dont want to be a sixteen year old who cares about the amount of protein i get a each meal or the emotions that are linked with every one of my actions. that's not living!
ReplyDeleteI don't know how many times I have said this... " I just want to go back to my old self"
ReplyDeleteThat is what is hard about therapy sometimes. Everyone assumes I want to be better, be someone else, be like the girls in the media. But i don't. I miss me. I just want me back, ya know? Love you dear.
Cortney
such a great photo - you really look happy here!! :)
ReplyDelete(-carol)