I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've really been struggling... I wish I could figure out the exact reason- I know it has to do with Nancy but that can't be all of it....
I've started making goals by day. Yesterday was to eat at work- and not purge- SCORE and I ate more when I got home. But, I had way too much sugar free candy... which really upset my stomach- I was so uncomfortably bloated so my retarded brain was like well obviously laxatives will help cause... yeah. Well I woke up at like 4 AM today in the worst PAIN of my life. I've taken laxatives before but omg- i wanted to die.
Now i'm exhausted and physically just worn out. I slept in after that but I don't know- I'm just so physically tired...and my head is spinning- I'm having a feeling my blood sugar is probably low or I'm dehydrated or...both. not a good sign. plus- my period is late and there is not way I could be pregnant. This is a bad sign- I might really need some more outside support. I'm not really opposed to it but of course I don't want to go... and I'm going to give myself a few more weeks and see how things go when Nancy gets back. I know once she's back if I keep slipping- something will have to be done. I don't want to quit this job that I have that I can actually handle. I will have to find some sort of treatment that can work w/my therapy schedule and work. Ridgeview's intensive outpatient program is looking good but..we'll see. I don't want to commit or really do anything right now. I just want to try with what I have for a bit. It may not sound like it but I am truly trying.
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| I'm dedicating this picture to my friend Kaylin * who I wish the best in recovery :) |
- I've realized something else while talking to a really great friend of mine. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Yes, supporting and helping others is incredibly important in life as well but the support that I offer others I need to also offer myself. I need to find the strength in me to be my own support and if I'm in a triggering position while helping others- I need to probably take a step back and access what is going on.
It is a new year- I have lots of thoughts about how I want it to be... and all I can say is- day by day- I'm going to try.
xoxo -Lisa
You know, I must say. This has to be the most positive post I've seen you make yet, that's GOOD. I'm not saying your posts have been grudgingly negative (they haven't), but this one seems to be void of that deep unreachable dark place that to me seemed to lurk in all the others.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad you are still trying, and sometimes that's all you can do. But you know that :)
It really does seem like you are trying, and even if you are only working with what you have, good for you. Keep it up, laxatives suck and cause pain, helping others is good but as you know, there's an old Chinese proverb (yes there is one for every situation, the olden time Chinese are just that great)that says something along the lines of "one cannot truly help others before realizing ones own faults, insecurities, and needs; and addressing them first. Help yourself, before you help others, for if you fall first, who then will catch the one you are trying to help?."
I'm addlibing a lot here I think, but yeah!
Get some rest, keep trucking. You're doing great, once Nancy gets back see how things flow :)
girlie thanks for sharing this. i know you're struggling but it sounds like you're taking a positive side to your struggle.. and, well, i think that's the best you can do. plus.. no purging woot woot go youuuu! taking one day at a time is probs the BEST plan anyone can have. i'm making it my own daily goal to follow in your footsteps. let's do this! fuck EDs.
ReplyDeleteThis is all we can do, is just keep trying. Good luck! I know you can do it.
ReplyDeleteI was thrilled to see this post! You seem healthier and really determined to whip your ED!!
ReplyDeleteWay to go for no purging! =D
Happy New Years ~ stay strong!!
~Lily
I lovee this post!(: And that you set a goal, and accomplished it! That's seriously amazing! Happy new year Lisa!
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeletei think these goals are a really good idea. and yay for no purging! now that i'm back i expect to see you more :)
ReplyDeleteoh and no more laxatives. watch this :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U1LVdVpyKo
HAHA <3
i'm a post late, but I love this:
ReplyDelete"I want to learn to not regret 2010 because I've learned so much about myself."
So true for a lot of us who have struggled with EDs. I sometimes get caught up in the negative parts of what happened to me, and struggle to remember the positives: the friends I never would have made, the bond I've strengthened with my family, the things I've learned about myself, etc.
ANyway, hang in there and I hope things go well for you in 2011!
This is excellent and I hope you can see how much progress you've made - and with Nancy being gone, that seems very much like quite a great goal.
ReplyDeleteI think looking at not regretting last year and embracing who you are now and accepting the progress you've made is huge!
That sounds like a great goal, Lisa. It's really the only way to get through life. Long term? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT... who needs that ;)
ReplyDelete