okay, you know thing are bad/off when I update twice in one day....
I've really been trying to just hold things in a bit- I know I've been open about it not being easy-- but now--- things have totally piled up....I just spent the last uhm about 45 minutes crying on the phone with Amy. GO ME. I have not had a worse holiday season in my entire life. These few weeks have been so hard for me. I have not gone ONE day without crying... without crying about Amy or Nancy. It's all the attachment. I've been so miserable- that's it- everyday... and no one can accuse me of not trying to be positive- I TRY- I AM TRYING SO HARD but it comes in such bad waves sometimes and I just end up losing it.
I fucking hate the holidays. I hate it. I feel like everyone I know is falling downhill because the holidays are such a goddamn trigger. why. fuck if i know why. WHY CAN'T I GET CUT A BREAK. I knew I was going to have a hard time leaving Amy while i was at ACE but I got away with it because at the time- things were such a whirlwind and after getting kicked out of ACE- my brain just stopped in a way- my sense of time went out the window as well. I got away w/not dealing w/saying goood-bye to Amy. NOW I HAVE TO DO IT. why do i never get cut a break.... I just....can't deal with both acclimating back. I seriously just don't do well with change and when change is all over the place- all i want to be is be somewhere safe. Part of me just wants to admit my ass back into treatment bc I'm so overwhelmed but honestly...I can't go... I NEED to keep the job I have now. It's perfect for the place I am in in my life. I can / have the option to do IOP- I don't know... insurance wise- I'm just-- the money that is needed to get help for this shit is incredibly ridiculous.
I'm not dedicating a picture to anyone but it's a pretty dismal one- but it is how i feel and I'm not going to purposefully drag someone down w/me.
i just want to fastforward time by like 2 months. I'm so sick how the last few weeks have been and yano what's scary? People kept telling me when I was flipping out over Nancy that the anticipation was very likely worse than how bad it would feel. The anticipation was NOTHING compared to how bad it was, so how bad I'm already feeling and anticipating feeling over leaving Amy and the whole flood of emotions with that and acclimating back to Nancy- it's TOO OVERWHELMING.
xoxo -Lisa
I've really been trying to just hold things in a bit- I know I've been open about it not being easy-- but now--- things have totally piled up....I just spent the last uhm about 45 minutes crying on the phone with Amy. GO ME. I have not had a worse holiday season in my entire life. These few weeks have been so hard for me. I have not gone ONE day without crying... without crying about Amy or Nancy. It's all the attachment. I've been so miserable- that's it- everyday... and no one can accuse me of not trying to be positive- I TRY- I AM TRYING SO HARD but it comes in such bad waves sometimes and I just end up losing it.
I fucking hate the holidays. I hate it. I feel like everyone I know is falling downhill because the holidays are such a goddamn trigger. why. fuck if i know why. WHY CAN'T I GET CUT A BREAK. I knew I was going to have a hard time leaving Amy while i was at ACE but I got away with it because at the time- things were such a whirlwind and after getting kicked out of ACE- my brain just stopped in a way- my sense of time went out the window as well. I got away w/not dealing w/saying goood-bye to Amy. NOW I HAVE TO DO IT. why do i never get cut a break.... I just....can't deal with both acclimating back. I seriously just don't do well with change and when change is all over the place- all i want to be is be somewhere safe. Part of me just wants to admit my ass back into treatment bc I'm so overwhelmed but honestly...I can't go... I NEED to keep the job I have now. It's perfect for the place I am in in my life. I can / have the option to do IOP- I don't know... insurance wise- I'm just-- the money that is needed to get help for this shit is incredibly ridiculous.
I'm not dedicating a picture to anyone but it's a pretty dismal one- but it is how i feel and I'm not going to purposefully drag someone down w/me.
i just want to fastforward time by like 2 months. I'm so sick how the last few weeks have been and yano what's scary? People kept telling me when I was flipping out over Nancy that the anticipation was very likely worse than how bad it would feel. The anticipation was NOTHING compared to how bad it was, so how bad I'm already feeling and anticipating feeling over leaving Amy and the whole flood of emotions with that and acclimating back to Nancy- it's TOO OVERWHELMING.
xoxo -Lisa
Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Attachment issues are always tricky. (For me, I go in the other direction-- I DON'T get attached to things even when I should.) And I know this may suck to hear, but it sounds like the switching back-and-forth from Nancy to Amy to Nancy may have been a good thing in that it highlighted an important issue. It gives you something to work on, right?
ReplyDeleteIn terms of treatment and IOP-- my vote is that you do whatever is best for your happiness and your health. I have learned that if you don't have happiness you don't have anything. My sister said some very wise things on the subject: http://bloggernos.blogspot.com/2010/12/wise-words-from-m.html
Lisa, I want you to know that I am here for you and I support you and care about you. You're a really amazing girl, I hope you know. I think you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. I see you trying so hard, and I know it's not easy. Remember, it *will* get better, so hang in there. You got this! Please don't hesitate to contact me for support. It's always nice to talk with you. Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a rough time. Stay strong,love. You've got this. You can get through this. Take care of yourself, ok?
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Camille
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. Issues with therapists and attachment to them is always hard.
I can relate to having to spend ridiculous amounts of money just to get proper treatment. But I hope you do manage to get the help you need and deserve.
Take care,
Cassie x
I'm sorry you're feeling like shit :( I wish we could just snuggle up in blankets by a fire with a hot drink in hand and talk. Hugs from the west coast!
ReplyDelete