and I have a first class ticket on this damn train. LOVE IT...
I HAVE ALWAYS PRIDED MYSELF ON BEING RATIONAL DAMMIT. Now, here are my examples on how my world and I have seemed to jump onto the irrational bus-- no not the short bus- it's even worse than that-it's the irrational one.
1. Numero Uno- it's snowing in atlanta, ga. WHAT .THE . FUCK . not a like tiny little snowflake here and there- nope-- there is actual snow on the ground. Its white outside...okay I'm used to snow- I am not from the south. What I am not used to is there being snow and the world fucking ending. Atlanta has shut down basically. yup, SHUT DOWN. I drove to work bc I was sick of sitting in my apt ( okay well I braved the roads yesterday as well, probably a bad idea ) and now I'm stuck at work... in one of the hotel rooms. Why? Because it snowed..OH TWO DAYS AGO and the roads still are fucked up. glorious love it. Yes, so I am in the south and I am stuck in a "snow storm' Last winter I was stuck in a snowstorm...yes but I was in Columbus, Ohio and there was like.. a foot of snow or something. Not 3 inches. can ya tell? I am not amused by this snow. NO, I did not go sledding or play in the snow. No the sight of white precipitate did not make me smile.
2. Numero dos - my eating disorder voice is screaming at me. Eating disorders are nothing but irrational. DUH. why the hell does anyone want to be slowly causing their body to shut down? OH I DON'T KNOW but I'm doing it for some reason? Is it because I want to be skinny for boys? hell no, I don't give a shit about them. it's for me. Okay, I'm 22 and I'd rather look what I FIND attractive more than some guy I might like...? and no, I am not a lesbian. Doesn't seem rational to me.
NUMBER 3- here's the big one. My thoughts about others and my worries about others don't transfer to myself. HUH? Yes, I know- I worded that in the worst way possible but hey, I didn't major in english or anything so cut me a break. Example- since I obviously have been in treatment--- i have quite a few friends who are also suffering from EDs. Okay, well if I hear about any physical ailments they are having- I kind of mentally freak. I worry and I want nothing bad to happen to them. I get scared that one day I'll wake up and they might be gone because of all the damage they are doing to their bodies or how low their weight is. Yeah, well...i could be at a similar weight and I could be using just as many damn symptoms and I dont worry about my own ability to stay alive. Its one of those things I guess where I feel...invincible? I mean, rationally once again- I know I'm not...I know my body is just as susceptible as anyone's can be. But, do I worry about my own physical health the way I worry about others even if we are having the same ailments? NOPE. why? fuck if i know. but disclaimer- I am not having extreme physical issues due to my ED- I'm really okay. is that my rational voice talking- kinda. half and half. but i do need to put the disclaimer that I am physically okay. My weight is "healthy" and my purging has gone down a lot. so, eh...oh yeah and the waitress at CPK said it was obvious I didn't have an ED bc I ate pizza so on top of my weight being fine , I ate pizza. I AM SO TOTALLY GOOD TO GO.
god i'm a ball of sarcasm tonight.
I feel your pain. Your sarcastic pain. Irrationality is the worst. It's always the things that don't make sense that seem the scariest. As for being "okay" and sarcasm aside, I'm proud of you for any progress you make. You don't have to be suddenly 'cured' to feel good about what you are doing and trying to do. I know that you know that- I think you should internalize it.
ReplyDeleteThese things that are listed may not be rational, but boy can I relate! (Not to the snow thing, though. We're used to snow where I live. But I can only imagine how annoying it must be to have Atlanta shut down. They probably don't even have plow trucks.) The second two points I think are just characteristic of an ED. Those with anorexia and bulimia often have an irrational desire to be thin, even thinner than what is "conventionally attractive." I wish I knew why. I blame it on faulty wiring in the brain. And on your third point-- I think it's a lot easier sometimes to care about someone else than it is to care about ourselves. I think it's a self-esteem/self-worth thing.
ReplyDeleteWishing you well,
NOS
sorry I haven't commented on your blog in a while! for some reason my blogger won't show me when you make updates... gosh...
ReplyDeleteYour desires and worries sound too familiar. It's easy to help others and worry about there healthy but neglect your own hurting body - I did for a while...but what really helped the people I was SO worried about was for them to see me practice what I was encouraging them with....The feeling of not caring sucks.... but you can overcome it! I agree with NOS - it's a self worth thing - and you are SO worth recovery!!
Fight girl!<3
Mmm, snow, yeah, everyone freak out!
ReplyDeleteI still think it's pretty though :)
But really, (in part three of this blog), it actually sounds rather rational to me! Well, partly rational.
If someone else with the same or similar symptoms and issues as you hurts themselves, or fails at taking care of themselves; or fails period, then it would make sense that 'you' feel more hopeless and feel that the situation is more dire then before.
Especially if it is someone you admire or think is strong.
If it was me, I'd be thinking, "crap, if 'they' can't do it, how the hell can 'I' do it!" -or- "they failed and couldn't handle it, why should I bother even trying".
And so somewhere in the back of my mind, the part that wants to win is saying "No! This person can't fail or fall, because it's going to hurt me!". And thus I freak when I see someone else hurt themselves or fall and slip away.
That...sounds more complicated then it was supposed to, hope you can follow what I was trying to say lol.
Bottom line, what I try to do anyway, is think about myself through the eyes of others.
When I'm thinking "why would I care if I fail here, or let myself be hurt there" I try to change my thinking to "this person (insert someone who cares about you) would be hurt if I let myself be hurt here, or fail here, or give up here".
Even when I don't care about myself, others are caring about me, and I care about those others.
Kind of like a reverse psychology Golden Rule...
P.S
We need to hang out again :/
I'm sorry things are crazy right now.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to irrational thoughts 2-3. I totally don't get why I feel better at a weight that is lower then most people find attractive. So many people have said I look better "bigger" and yet I struggle a lot with that concept. And I also have friends who struggle with ED's and worry about them all the time, yet I ignore the same symptoms or thoughts if I experience them.
But as long as you realize that these thoughts are irrational, you are on the right road. It's the first step to fighting them (in my opinion). Because if they are irrational means you can use to logical/rational side of your brain to reason with yourself. And that is doable (although admittedly very difficult).
Fingers crossed for you girl. Take care ok?
I totally get you. I told Charro that I'd rather make sure my cats have food than me. I'd pay for them to eat first.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you've got a bit of an icy mess down there.
I agree with mascat - the things that don't make sense are the scariest! I am new to your blog, but I can see the determination in you. You can do this. Just like others have said, the fact that you recognize an irrational thought is a good thing!
ReplyDeleteI too struggle with tranfering my concern for others to myself. I have a hard time caring about myself in general. Somehow, I am an exception to every rule, and what's dangerous for them is not for me.
These are just more lies. When that ED voice gets noisy, go ahead and yell back. Show it who's boss.
You are worth it! So fight, fight, fight! I'm thinking of you!
-Liz