- yesterday's session with Amy was such a whirlwind of a mess for me- at the end she came to hug me and i practically jumped on her bc I needed the hug so badly...
SOOOOOO....
I'm sitting here at work- twiddling my thumbs basically. there's nothing left for me to do. i've done all there is. two more people are supposed to come in and check in... and... i'm sitting here online waiting for them and I don't get off work for another 4 hours. WOO. thank god for the internet and thank god I'm getting paid to sit here and write this blog. hah. granted- i don't get paid much hourly but hey, it's better than nothing and allows me to help my parents out in paying for my horrendous amount of treatment.
i bought an amazing pair of HUE jeggings yesterday and I am totally going back to the mall Friday ( after my paycheck ) and getting another pair in a different color. The ones I have now are like black jeans- i'm going to go and get ones that are denim colored. they look like jeans- they have the pockets and everything and front whatever it's called but they are SOOOO comfy and not butt ass tight like some of the other jeggings I've tried on ( or I would NOT be wearing them ).I never in a million years thought i'd like jeggings...much less like them so much to spend $34 fucking bucks on them. i normally am such a thrifty shopper i don't buy like ANYTHING over $20 unless it's the world's most awesome steal...speaking of awesome steal- I got a pair of Michael Kors boots ( awesome black leather 2 or maybe 3 inch heel ) for $16. $16!!!!!!! but yeah. jeggings.
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Also- after that WONDERFUL epiphany I had in my previous post..I realized something ( when i massively fucked up the next day ) --- i realized I can't all of a sudden attempt to be perfect at recovery. I had a whole menu planned out for me by literally every few hours. Well..that went well for a while- I had eaten more throughout the day and healthy stuff at that than i had done in months...yeah well i ended up in a GIANT b/p ...get this- at work. great huh. And then I felt like a massive failure... but I've realized- start small...but I almost don't know how to start small... because ... it's hard as shit both ways. it's hard as fuck to eat w/out feeling horridly guilty and just AWFUL and restricting ain't a walk in the park either. And obviously binging and purging sucks ass. What option am I left with? This question often actually leaves me feeling quite defeated and just fucked...but I know that's not the end answer-- i just need to figure out what the end answer is. ALSO ALSO: DAMMIT- this seems to follow me everywhere. The server at the place where I had lunch fucking commented on how I was eating. SERIOUSLY?! SOCIAL SKILLS PEOPLE. TOTES INAPPROPRIATE TO COMMENT ON OTHER'S EATING BEHAVIORS when you don't know them.
xoxo -Lisa
i <3 you. and i'm not sure about the jeggings yet lol but i am SUPER jealous of the boots. you know how i love michael kors! where did you find them?!? and i hope you didn't leave a tip and wrote on the tip line "I have an ED you bitch!" :)
ReplyDeletei know how you feel. i hated DBT and eventually had to substitute my DBT group with an individual session because the group is what was making me dislike it. stick with it, you can do it and remember that recovery only works if you make it.
ReplyDeletexx
Where did you get the leggings? They sound fabulous.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this, and you're right, small steps are the best way to go. It can be done and YOU can do it!
Hooray for new clothes! I love getting new clothes. There's a pull-over in the window of the Urban Outfitters at the end of my block that I have been eying-- I think I'm going to take a look after class tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're right. You can't be perfect at recovery. It would be nice, but it just doesn't happen like that. If we could just turn this shit off we would just turn this shit off. But unfortunately it's a LOT more complicated. Be kind to yourself. And your body.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Haha you remind me of myself with the shopping!
ReplyDeleteI am really cheap, too. Anything over $20 is not likely to happen here!
But I also love jeggings. I thought they were so stupid when I first heard of them, but like you said, they are super comfy & I just love 'em. ha
Also Forever 21 is my favorite store, too :)
I'm glad that you realized that recovery is not always a steady uphill road. There are twists and turns, ups and downs. It sucks, yea, but that's how it goes. Also, that waiter sounds socially incompetent. I HATE when people do that. I'm gonna write about something similar happening to me in my next post. Grr, so aggravating!
Anyway, tell that waiter and that ED to shove it! You're doing awesome Lisa :)
<3
I just found your blog through someone else's blogroll, but I am totally in the same situation. It's soooo hard going between restricting and b/p. I know that I'm supposed to aim for the middle, and that's what I truly want, but it's definitely tough - that's why I feel stuck and continue doing the same damn things over and over. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteJust know you aren't alone! <3
It's good it seems as though you will be getting quite a lot of support, seeing your treatment team a few times a week. Though I can relate to the frustration of being forced to do a treatment that you're not all that keen on.
ReplyDelete