If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?

What would I tell myself? I would tell myself one thing

• Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you. 

I've actually been struggling quite a bit recently- it's a hard hole to get out of. I feel so helpless and useless to those around me that are also struggling.I want to fix things- I want to help others, but I know I can't. That's painful for me. I am so angry at this disorder and how much it sucks out of beautiful intelligent people. I just want to like myself and not feel so lonely and stuck in my own head. I want to be alone but yet I want someone to be with me.

I'm so damn tired of fighting this battle. I feel like I can't do it anymore- I refuse to go back to treatment- I'm theraparized out. I'm sick of intensive therapy but it would be nice to feel "safe" again- to feel like I am being taken care of and to now have to worry about all the complicated parts of growing up.

In the last year- my life has changed so much. However, that just reminds me- things are always changing- nothing is permanent. Good things are permanent but yet that means bad things also aren't permanent. Life is always changing. 

For everyone out there that's struggling with something- hang in there. Please don't give up.

xoxo -Lisa

What I Secretly Want...

This was a prompt for one of my groups while in treatment.What I Secretly Want: The very first thing that came to my head was

"to be a wife and mom" !(@*&!P(*#&!(P@*! 

WHAT?! NO.

you're probably thinking- why is that what you secretly want- don't most people want relationships...well... wanting a family is not how I was raised or what I've been aiming for in my 24 years of life. My entire life has revolved around an education which was supposed to lead to a career. NOT NEEDING RELATIONSHIPS with people- not for personal reasons. OH NO- that is NOT OKAY. It is okay to have a career as a goal- it's not okay to want a family as a goal. I can want a family- sure- why not- but not REALLY "want" it- I can't let any sort of happiness/emotions ride on relationships- my happiness is only allowed to ride on what I can control. But, yet- that's not how it's working- I guess that's not how life works...

So, when that was the first thought that came to my head- i panicked, left the group room and didn't go back ( yes, very therapeutically productive- I know ).  It's scary. It's scary as hell to know that what I want-deep down- is someone to take care of me and someone for me to take care of. I want something stable and this involves...NEEDING OTHER PEOPLE ( this is a concept I've fought for a long time with my therapists ). Needing someone- having needs, that makes me needy and high maintenance- I don't want to be that. But, I am- I have to accept that. I am needy. I am a sensitive person and I ... have needs ( that painful to type...) I want someone to hold my hand, someone to hug me and tell me that it'll all be okay ( and that too was painful to type...)

A career goal is concrete- I can work hard at it and achieve it.  I can't "work hard" on relationships and have a family, relationships, etc come out of it. There is no formula for it. Nothing is guaranteed..it's completely out of my control.

A career/educational goal isn't. I study for a test- the time and quality of my studying should correlate directly with my exam score. Yeah- that's not how it works with relationships- someone else is involved-  it's not something that I can complete control over. It's not concrete. IT IS SCARY. It's growing up. It's part of living in the real world where things are more than just me and what I can control.

So, now that I've realized this- what am I supposed to do about it? There isn't anything I CAN do about it- that's another annoying thing about wanting relationships with people and needing people in my life- I can't force it. I don't have control- I have to just let it happen. Newsflash people- I'm not a very patient person.

Guess this is a test for me-  a test of whether or not I can move past my control freak ways and learn to just live and let go.

Well- I guess what I want is no longer a secret- now I just have to be able to admit it to others...when appropriate. Okay, mostly- I have to admit and accept it MYSELF because I'm still thinking -  "NO LISA, IT IS NOT OKAY TO WANT THAT- IT IS NOT OKAY TO REALLY WANT A FAMILY"


xoxo -Lisa

Someday I'll Be Okay

Hey loves! my roommate is a film maker and she's making an Eating Disorder documentary

'Someday I'll Be Okay' is a documentary that follows several young adults as they struggle to cope with their eating disorders in life after treatment. In production 2013.

Someday I'll Be Okay Documentary

can you check it out and like the page?
we're hoping to get it done by NEDA week next year ( 2014 )

there's a short clip on it from an interview she did with me. :)

xoxo -Lisa

in my head...

I've been pretty much in my head all day- pretty much since I woke up this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. eh. Something is off kilter with me-something about my life is wrong ( that's a strong word, something is off ). I'm not ENTIRELY sure what it is and yet I'm scared to find out what it is. I know there are some changes I need to make- I just don't know when and how yet- part of me is just waiting for things to unfold as they will.

I was watching Silver Linings Playbook with my roommate tonight ( after literally probably 10 episodes of 2 broke girls ... yes- this is what we single girls do at this apartment on Saturdays...and Fridays...and Thursdays...anyway- you get the point ) well- back to the movie- one of the main characters said a line that struck a chord with me "I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!" It just made me think- Not about the part of doing all this shit for other people but the part about being empty. Yeah- so her character was empty and then she fell in love, yadayada yada bullshit. I'm pretty certain that falling in love isn't going to fix my problems although sometimes I wish i were a romcom film.That would make life a lot easier. Just find a perfectly built, smart, caring, sensitive, understanding...person ( can any one person be all those at once? I know I can't...)

One person can change someone's life- I'd agree with that but no one can FIX anyone else's life. I'm used to having that one person that I just "KNOW" will fix my problems- whether it be my therapist, boyfriend, best friend, eating disorder, self harm. SOMETHING. I don't have any of those right now. I mean, yes I have a therapist, no on the boyfriend, yes on the friends and yes to the ED and SI but not in the same way as before. I don't see any one thing outside of myself that can help FIX ME - get me OUT of my head. I've been trying a lot lately to just go with the flow- things will figure themselves out...but DUDE- PATIENCE- not my strong point.

I really feel like something major is missing for me right now. Something just isn't right. Maybe I'm a lesbian ( kidding... ) but honestly, I don't know exactly what it is though. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll wake up on the other side of the bed...

xoxo -Lisa

Life is harder than I remembered...

I had a therapy appointment yesterday with a new therapist- I really like her and we connected. However, I had totally forgotten how difficult therapy was. Other than yesterday, I hadn't been in therapy since early December. It's been almost a month. By the end of the appointment- I almost started crying, I could feel myself start to disconnect...her voice was starting to turn into a background noise and I was starting to stare into space. I was "feeling"...again. I'm not good at that. She got a lot of things out of me- about my family, past and current relationship issues.

I was wondering if maybe therapy just isn't good for me anymore- maybe I should just continue doing what I'm doing. I've been doing alright and I don't want to rock the boat. However, my roommate brought up the fact that if I was completely fine then I wouldn't have been shaken up by my therapy session. I'm going to go back- at her recommendation 2x a week. On that note- she does seem pretty damn awesome. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get some good work done with her.

There's a time to let go and a time to hold on.

There's just so many things in the last few days that have really been agitating me- interpersonal things.

• I'm still really pissed that I have yet to find a job. I've never had such a hard time job searching- EVER. I guess I've always just been lucky...until now. Well, I've also never had a 6 month gap in my resume. :-/

• My eating disorder is doing "okay"- I'm not doing great- I could be doing better but I could be doing worse- I guess that's a way to look at it.
•  I just have had a bad ED few days lately.

• I'm also just irked majorly about certain relationships in my life. I feel very unimportant right now. I emailed my two TK therapists a while ago and one still hasn't responded ( my primary ) and my family therapist responded ( just today- 2 weeks later ) with a very generic response. I was so close to her while I was there and it just hurts...
• I feel as if I'm worth more than how some people in my life are treating me. It's ironic because some of the people I want to treat me well are the ones putting me on the backburner. 

Life's hard- I've forgotten that detail in the last few weeks of being in wonderland or where-ever I've been.

xoxo -Lisa

TEXT ME BACK DAMMIT!

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorder Recovery On New Years Eve!

xoxo -Lisa

Accent Tag-Ramblings

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorder Recovery On Christmas

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorders Aren't Worth It

xoxo -Lisa

we are NOT trees

So, this goes without saying- you are not a tree- neither am I. You're probably thinking "No fucking way". Trees are stuck to the ground. Wherever their little teeny seed was thrown/planted/migrated/whatever i'm not a botany major. Trees can't move ( DUH ) so if something around them isn't helping it grow and become the wonderfully beautiful creature ( plant whatever ) that it is... it's fucked. SOL.

Since I am not a tree, I am not fucked ( contrary to what I tend to think ) and I can move. However, I have a bad habit of just picking up and moving ( geographically or just quitting ) when things get rough. Let's be real for a moment- run away- that's what I tend to do- run- far far far away. One way I see it is well...I don't like where I am- so well I guess I'm going to pack up my bags and get as far a-fucking-way as possible. Sometimes I think "Well, this obviously isn't working, time to try something else" -which actually makes a lot of sense and can be used quite effectively...AND I tend to spin that my own way. I'm very good at manipulating myself- better than I can be manipulated by others.

I will move but I will not run away this time. Running away has gotten me no where. I'm right back where I started- wait, I don't know where I started- well- I'm not back in China where I guess technically I was started. Okay, so geographically and literally- I'm not back where I started but y'all catch my drift. Right.

I'm so sick of trying to control everything. I just want to be. I want to be but I don't want to settle. If I were a tree- i'd be settling.

I am not a fucking tree. I will not settle. 

Frankly though, I'm so sick of fighting so hard to NOT settle. I just want to be. I just want some peace and silence in this brain of mine.  

xoxo -Lisa

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer -Therapy Version 1.0 Featuring Tanya :)

ENJOY!!!

Old Pictures/videos and friendships

First off- I have a new video blog

Don't look back at pictures of when you were sick and in my case- video blogs as well. I was watching a video from pretty much exactly a mont ago which was shortly after leaving TK and I had lost a good amount of weight...which I have put back on...and I started to feel nostalgic and jealous of that girl. I feel like looking back at those pictures/videos is comprable to trying on clothes from when you were sick... just NOT A GOOD THING.

Also, so my life with ED. It SUCKS. ED ruins basically everything- it sneaks into relationships and tear them apart.

• My relationship with my parents are horrible. 
• ED has taken away my potential roommate whom obviously I am still friends with but it still sucks that we shouldn't so therefore can't live together. So therefore ED has taken away friendships in many different angles of my life
• ED has taken my best friend away from me because I was too entrenched in him
• ED has taken graduate school away 
• ED has taken away a possible relationship- well- I'm sure other things took that away too but I think ED played a part, I'll never know anyway- 
• ED has taken away 2 teeth of mine, like literally I've had to have my right bottom molars removed and I'm not getting implants so I can only chew on one side of my mouth and this isn't a temporary thing...

And what as ED given me?

• Osteopenia
• Anemia
• AND OTHER SHITTY ASS THINGS.

so the moral of this part of the story is ED SUCKS. PERIOD.

xoxo -Lisa

Defeated...

I was talking to a staff member when I basically flat out refused dinner. Don't worry guys, I supplemented...mostly. But, she just said to me- you sound so defeated...

...yup- that's basically the right word. Story of my life for... my whole life.

My family is refusing to pay for me to see a dietician so

•  I haven't been able to get support around food shit 
•  I haven't been weighed in over 2 weeks... and that almost makes my eating disorder really happy.

I just thought this was a cool picture.
 Not totally relavent to my post..

So, I was asked if I needed support around my food plan. Well, considering... my difficulty/fail in following the meal plan I'm on at the moment- no dipshit. But, I can't have it. Once again, story of my life. My response "It happens, we don't always get what we want or need. Just accept it and move on..." She basically was like, it seems like you've been let down a lot. Yeah, well- it happens to the best of us... life happens, shit happens, emotions happen...

sometimes ... I just have to push it down for the time being until there's TIME and ENERGY into dealing with it. Back to the same ole same ole of just stuffing/ignoring my emotions. It's just all been too much lately...I don't know when I'll be able to finally handle...anything. Everything seriously seems to be too much. EVERY LITTLE thing. I can't even look at a banana without panicking. For God's sake- I cried over animal crackers a few days ago...for my snack. 

I was talking to my roommate here and I was basically saying..."you've been watching me crash slowly since I got here..." she nodded... I mean, it's sadly the truth...My team here basically told me 2 weeks into being here that I was discharged from Timberline Knolls too early... ( I was fucking there for 4 months. wtf ) I saw a few of my friends from Timberline today at Insight ( where I'm at now for treatment ) and we were just talking and I get a lot of "you don't look so well, are you okay?" well, obviously not but *shrugs* once again, life happens. You know, we talked about how I went up and down at Timberline as well. I'd do okay, then I'd lapse, then well, then lapse- repeat and repeat. Timberline is the first treatment center I left behavior free for more than one week. I was behavior free for 2.5 weeks before I left. Well lie. I slipped up once but I didn't tell anyone. 

When is it going to better? 

When will I be able to look at food and not feel like IT IS GOING TO HURT ME.

When will I be able to finally enjoy my food again and not eat it like it's medication?

When will the day come when I don't look for my bones and body check? 

When... will this hell finally be over? 

     Am I just not cut out for recovery? Recovery is hard y'all. To just state the fucking obvious. 

When will I just be OKAY? Not great, not wonderful, not splendid...just okay?

• I just want to be okay.
• Is that too much to ask?

xoxo -Lisa

The hardest thing to explain is...

how I want help but how I also want so much to just be left alone...

"The worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse" - Kate Le Page

I ...don't know if I agree with this quote. I just don't. I can't think of how one of my recent horrific days in "recovery" have been better than my "best" days in relapse. I don't know. I may not be seeing the true reality of my days while I was in relapse. I can't even fathom if I'm actually in relapse now. I have no clue. All I know is that I am not ... happy or comfortable with where I am.

I hate my body. Nothing about it is comforting to me. It's not even that I think I'm fat. Okay, so the word fat does pop into my mind occassionally... but that's not even the main thing. I hate what my body does for me. I hate where it brings my head. I hate how it makes me assume things about other people. Most of all-  I HATE HOW IT MAKES ME SECOND GUESS EVERYONE'S INTENTIONS .. it makes me feel like i can't trust anyone. and most of the time my fear is validated and my body is the one that betrayed me. ( yet again. woo hoo )

it leaves me lonely. it KEEPS me guarded away from everyone...but maybe that's what I want right now...well it is what I want - but ...most likely not what I need.

I've been body checking a lot lately. I have no scale to help me see what I look like ( yes, I know that's what a mirror is for, but without a number- I'm at a loss - so I just assume fat... ) so therefore I start body checking, feeling for the bones again.

The last few weeks have been extremely rough for me and I feel as if I'm starting to come to a very abrupt stop in progress recovery wise. Following my meal plan has been hell and... very unsuccessful. Buildling interpersonal relationships has been hell and... slightly less successfull that my treatment team would hope but better than it could be.

I just don't know where to look anymore. I don't know how much hope in recovery I have left in me. I want to run away from the transitional living place I'm at, I want to ditch programming, I want to ditch meals...all in all- I don't know what i want to do anymore. ...although running away does sound like the best option...

so where do I go from here?

xoxo -Lisa

xoxo -Lisa

Can I rewind time?

I wish so much that I could find a time machine and rewind time. I was facebook stalking myself and obviously pretty much all my pictures from the last 2 ish years have been from me in treatment or me and friends from treatment. I miss those good times too- where I had so much fun, but yet I wasn't focusing on getting better- treatment was almost like a miserable camp experience except for the girls there. I can say quite honesty, Remuda Life was a joke- but mostly due to me. I spent almost every evening at the mall/target with my housemates and apt mates- who BTW- I LOVE :) up to this day.

Done by the beautiful & talented Madeline Carr.

However, as I started to go farther back into my pictures, I started to realize so much that I had lost. I had some great, true friendships both back in Indiana and from Atlanta. My best friend ( sister ) is barely talking to me anymore and we were connected by the hip in 2008-2011. It was a great friendship-I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, guess what? My disorder helped me to lose it. Not only that, I had some great times on say NYE 2009- I had A LOT of fun, but guess what? That was pretty much the LAST time I went out. I started to crash and isolate pretty much that year. My senior year was a wreck, I did nothing but  ED behaviors for the majority of it. I got so entrenched and addicted to therapy that everything else was put on the backburner.

I had an amazing experience doing crew in college as well, but yup my ED helped me move away from that as well.

Now, back to friendships- I basically have only a few friends left. They're great meaningful relationships and I AM SO THANKFUL for them. I just wish I had some of my other ones back. I know I've burned a ton of bridges so it's pretty much not going to happen and I'm so incredibly sad and pissed about it. But, at that time- I almost didn't care- all I cared about was losing weight, doing behaviors to numb me out from what had happened throughout the years. Things pretty much got worse after Rosewood in the spring of 2011... more memories started to arise and the more those came- the more I needed to numb out..fucking shit.

I've lost so much due to all this shit I've been doing for the past 2 years. I feel so incredibly shameful about it. I feel like I've done this to myself :( I've not only lost the healthy relationships I had with my "normal" friends but I've even lost many relationships with friends from treatment because I continued to get sick while they either got sick too or started getting well...I was basically drowning in my own sorrow and misery.

so, thank you for those that are still supporting me and also thank you for those that had supported me ( i understand why you had to leave ) at one time or another

I'm so sick of all of this- starting over ALL the time. I want to just rewind 3 years and redo everything. i'm so pissed. So, shouldn't that be enough motivation? You'd think but my ambivalence has me stuck- I've already lost so much that I can't get back... so almost- what's the point? Ya know? However, at the same time- I've STILL got a good support system and I refuse to screw it up this time. So, I've also got to get my shit together.

ONE DAY AT A TIME. o fuck that. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.

xoxo -Lisa

Who am I?

A lot of people have an identity crisis. For a while, I called it my quarter-life crisis...until it got out of control and I ended up at TK. I was being incredibly reckless with my life. Doing things that I, as Lisa, morally never would have done. I just was a complete wreck.

I was in graduate school to get my M.S in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I went to classes for one week and then...crashed hardcore and ended up in the ICU for 4 days and then at the hospital for a total of about 2 weeks. Then, I landed at TK...for 15 weeks. My time there really helped me

• get my creativity back- the art studio is AMAZING
• learn how to build healthy relationships
• learn who to trust and who not to
• set boundaries with both my peers and parents
• experience what a good therapist with boundaries is like
• learn HOW to utilize therapy 
• realize that honesty is the only way to recover
• realize that IT IS OKAY to be healthy

AND MOST OF ALL

learn who I am.

I am strong, brutally honest almost to a fault however I am not going to apologize for that because it is who I am and I appreciate that about myself. I have a good eye for reading other people. I have many faults as well, I distance myself emotionally from people when I am struggling. I do not cry at the appropriate times. I have MASSIVE boundary setting issues Yet, I am still a strong person and I ( most of the time ) appreciate life much more than I everhav before.

I met some amazing girls at TK and it hurts me to see just how much each and every one of them struggle. It breaks my heart to see a new resident walk through the doors of TK either defensive or scared shitless. It's always a heart breaking story of what landed her at the front doors of TK. I hope for each and every girl/man struggling with ANYTHING- not just ED, mood, addiction, suicide, depression, bipolar, etc... that he/she finds what I have found.

Don't get me wrong- some mornings I still wake up wishing I had never woken up but throughout the day--it gets better. IT IS POSSIBLE to recover from depression. IT IS POSSIBLE to HAVE FUN and be HAPPY. ( I had no idea what true fun or happiness was )

Yes, the hopelessness, suicidal, self harm thoughts have been with me for years so they will probably, if not always be in my back pocket. "It is okay to have it in your back pocket" <-- my amazing family therapist. However, now- I can fight those thoughts and make it through the day.

I'm taking it ONE DAY at a time. I have a goal in life for once and I am motivated as hell to get there.


xoxo -Lisa

I actually learned something...at TK.

So... today was one hell of a long freaking day. I started groups today at 9 AM. AND I started with art therapy...which I will say... I LOVED at TK. LOVED LOVED LOVED. Well...guess what? I am not a fan of the art therapy here... it's too structured. As soon as I checked out with that feeling, the art therapist asked if I came from TK. lol. I guess that a lot of former TK residents feel the same way.

I just also wanted to say...I miss my fellow BWOWs... ( beautiful women of willow ), even if the lodge was a bit ...okay A LOT  crazy when I left...there are a few current residents and a lot of past residents that I would defintely say are my TK sisters...that I miss a ton.  My "best bitches" :D

Also, I am meeting with my care coordinator tomorrow and I'm going to present my case for moving down to IOP either Friday ( if possible ) or next week. I already talked to my therapist who talked to my care coordinator to make her aware of how I was feeling. I do not feel like this level of care with some of the women that are in that same level of care...is helping me. I feel like it's actually making things worse. 

I knew I had learned a lot of things at TK- what I realized today was JUST HOW MUCH I learned at TK. I learned a hell of a lot and I honestly can say that my treatment team played a giant part in it. I do not feel like I'm getting jackshit out of any of the groups. I had empowerment today...and it was boring as fuck. I'd rather be in IOP- see my therapist 2x a week and get a fucking job and figure out how to take some classes until I can apply for graduate school next fall or something. In PHP, I don't get out until 5:30- most offices are closed by then. I'd rather give IOP a shot an if it doesn't work out- I can always go back up to PHP.

I just really need to fucking integrate myself back into society. I'm ready to move on- to leave the world of treatment behind and focus on how I can help others. 

xoxo -Lisa

Timberline Knolls- home sweet home

So, I left for Atlanta... as posted earlier. I had some "issues" that landed me at Timberline Knolls ( TK ) in LeMont, Illinois.

I was admitted on June 13th. I discharged yesterday on October 1st. I am now doing treatment at Insight Treatment Center and living at Millimium Place on Michigan Ave in Chicago. I'm doing PHP and I HATE IT. I am so sick of this intense level of treatment. I'm so sick of group after group... I feel as if I should just do 1:1 treatment a few times a week to work on my trauma and some other...issues.

I had a love/hate relationship with TK. I hated the entire first month...but once I started to utilize the groups and stopped acting out...I actually got A LOT out of it.

I had two amazing therapists....whom I got grossly attached to and now I'm struggling hardcore having left them. I have honestly never had as good of a treatment team as I had there. I will say for sure that TK saved my life.

I had a "great" time at TK. I defintely learned A LOT in my ALMOST FOUR FREAKING MONTHS there...I have never spent so long in treatment before. I have also never left a treatment center with the same INTERNAL motivation that I left TK with yesterday. 

Granted, the transition to PHP here in the city has been REALLY tough. I can't say I've been perfect and completely symptom free however ... I don't want to do this treatment merry go round anymore. I've looked up some community colleges so I can eventually get my MSW.

One thing I realized at TK is that I REALLY TRULY have figured out what I want to be- I want to be a therapist. No question about it.

I'm just so fucking sick of treatment at this level...for some reason I feel like I either want to go back to TK and do residential or...just do outpatient ( kind of black and white...I know ) but logically speaking, I've gotten the most out of the program I could have and it's time for me to move on with life.

ALTHOUGH I do not think I've gotten the most out of my treatment team. I wish they would do outpatient...


xoxo -Lisa