*mindblown*

For personal reasons I just blog stalked myself. Jesus Christ/holy shit/ wtf  is all I have to say.

Also: why does defragging your computer take so damn long? It's on 3% and it's been defragging for a good few hours...

But back to the original point- there's some crap written here that I had 100% forgotten about and one post from 1.5 years ago in particular I am going to have to be reading to a certain therapist of mine...


xoxo -Lisa

I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got

The quote in the title is a pretty depressing thought isn't it? Yet, it's so incredibly true...it's terrifying how true this is.

It encompasses my entire last decade or so of my life. I was speaking with a friend earlier this week about how eating disorders or just any sort of addiction - it lures you in. It tells you that that's the solution to everything and that life will be better with it around.

And you know what? FOR A WHILE IT IS. For a while, my eating disorder, depression and whatever the hell else- it kept me alive because that was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain I felt. I've written thank you good bye letters to my eating disorder god know how many times. yet, I  don't know how sincere they were because I knew what I was supposed to write so I wrote it. But, I never gave it up - I still felt like I have control over it and that I could function and use it to better my life- to find that "peace of mind" - I wanted to know in my head that I was a hard worker and had something to show for it. I wanted to be valuable and useful - to myself- and of course others but others say all sorts of things and yes, they are flattering but I want to have peace within myself. I want all the"skeletons" to shut up and I want to just know that I am valuable. But, did tearing my body apart in more ways than one achieve that? NO. Did the pain of things that have happened to me/that I did to myself go away? Nope, I numbed them out- but that also numbed me out. It wasn't a win win. It wasn't a way to live.

"So when the pain of your mistakes keeps you awake,
And all your skeletons rattle in the chains,
Intoxicated by the fear and the flames,
There's paranoia in your veins." - Lying to the mirror - Gabrielle Aplin

I promise this song isn't as dark as these last few lyrics

It wasn't until almost a year ago when I was thinking about all the goals I set out to reach- goals that I knew would deine me- and how many of them I reached...

The first one that came to mind was

1. Reach the double digits in how much I weighed in lbs. DONE.

So....did weighing 89lbs calm my brain down and convince my that I am a hard worker and can reach goals when I set my mind out to do it? NO. It didn't do shit. All it did was make my memory foggy, my brain unable to function at the best of it's ability and land me back in treatment for the 8th time.

All I wanted- for a long time...and still even now- I want something to show for the hard work that I do- whether it is for school, job or otherwise and to me... one easy way to do that was- oh hey, I'll lose weight and I can literally see the numbers on the scale go down to prove to myself that the work I am doing is paying off. I needed to validate to myself, that my work ethic could be shown- so that I COULD mean something to someone and more importantly, myself and my family. But the family issue- that's for another time ( maybe )

So, here is where one might ask- why not do it via school?? Well, I grew up where it was expected of me to do well. So, doing well wasn't a validation= instead it was pressure. And because it's how I was brought up to think, I just worked hard because it was expected of me. I still, to this day, struggle with letting go of letting grades run my life and define me. Still working on that one. 

BUT it's sad that my biggest goal in life for years was to reach at the most 99lbs. Funny how one day the goal was 99 and a month or so later- maybe not even that long- 100 lbs seemed so daunting and ridiculous that I never wanted to be there again. Funny how quick things can change. 

So, what gives me peace of mind now? I know destroying my body didn't work and now I'm dealing with the consequences of that now and it's hell. 

So, once again, what gives me peace of mind now? It's quite simple actually.

The I have an identity outside of "Lisa with an eating disorder" 

AND IT FEELS AMAZING.

yet, I'm not going to lie- sometimes I miss it. I'll never forget it and I'll never forget what it did to me and I'll never stop helping others or sharing my story but the ending of my story is slowly changing- it's slowly evolving into recovery...not just- I want recovery and I'm really working hard at it. While I am doing those thing, I am also building a life for myself, one I don't want to lose. If I relapse, I lose it. It's that simple. Yet, someone told me recently "You have absolutely not reason to be depressed" That is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard in my life. Depression and other mental struggles or just emotions in general- they are valid. All emotions are subjective. I might look like everything is perfectly together and there's really nothing REAL for me to worry about. Yes, I am grateful for a lot of things I have but..there's still part of me that is hurting so I have reason to feel whatever the hell I am feeling and so are you. 

There are certain things I feel one should never have to justify to others because they're deeply personal.

1.weight

2.emotion

3.relationships

I've grown a lot in the past 3 years. I don't take shit nor do I play games. I've done it in the past and I've been wishy washy and unsure about things but I am not running towards trains wrecks nor am I allowing myself to get walked all over. There are thing sin my past ( keyword :PAST ) that some people don't want to deal with- which is perfectly fine by me.  I've known for years that I'm the type of person that someone likes or dislikes- I don't get much of an in between. I've been told I can be intimidating...which I find hilarious because- yes, I'm not shy but I hope to god I'm not scary... oh well, another thing to work on..

But, let's face it- I've been neglecting this blog for the last year. I've just been randomly popping in and out to babble about random stuff. So, I've probably lost a ton of readers but that's not what this blog is about. If you're reading- I hope this somehow helps or at least entertained you in some way. But, this blog is for me. It's a way for me to relect and I should reflect more often...maybe I'll stop by more often...who knows? Or maybe I'll journal in my actual journal more. I don't know. That's something I'm learning to do - just go with it. Obviously don't throw myself into an oncoming train wreck- but just go with things.

Well, I had more to say but my cat just took a shit in the litter box and it smells horrible so I'm going to go remove that shit from my apartment. No pun intended

xoxo -Lisa

Exactly 365 days ago...

I was randomly scrolling through my blog looking for something and instead found something from this entry on my blog (it’s below as well)  --- I have gone through and crossed out what is no longer true and what is now different is in bold. Life has changed a lot and yet not that much and time has also gone by surprisingly fast.
365 days ago, I wrote...

" Last year TWO YEARS AGO around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.

Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit laying in my bed alone on a Friday night and being 98.65% okay with it., working part time a full time student, looking into ACTUALLY getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.

My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend someone who has learned to love herself, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover.  Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.

Chicago sunset taken by me on 5/11/14

Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay things ARE okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things might change and not be that okay, the okay that I’ve faught so hard for. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay and will be no matter what. This okay feeling will just has continued. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be."

It’s been 365 days- things have changed a lot more than what I can write down here and yet, things haven’t changed that much at all and for once- that is a good thing. I was in a good place on May 16, 2013 and you know what? It is May 16, 2014 and I am still in a good place. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say - That ONE YEAR later, I am still in a good place. 

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT –one very important role in my life has not changed- I AM STILL NO LONGER PLAYING THE SICK ONE- however, other roles in my life have changed - and relationships have changed as well. I have loved and lost a serious relationship but I've built a love for myself instead. I have changed boyfriends ( the current one is a bit elusive to say the least hah. Joke? Did anyone get it? ) , therapists, apartments and friendships have somewhat changed. I still live in the gorgeous city of Chicago and I'm finally learning my way around (1 year later..) and where the beautiful spots by the lake are. 

"The marks humans leave are too often scars"

I admit, I haven't read a single John Green book- however, I have watched many of his videos on the VlogBrothers Youtube channel :)  but I really love his quotes... just felt like this was a good/appropriate time to share these quotes...
 

xoxo -Lisa

Why Be Afraid?

 "Although painful to look back on I share some of my story with the hopes that it helps someone. I would not wish this struggle on my worst enemy but at the same time I am grateful that I went through this in some way. When you go through a life threatening circumstance so young in life it humbles you. It makes you realize you have a second shot at life- don’t waste it. I learned a lot about myself recovering and I mostly learned to not be afraid in life. Things we think are so big: job interviews, college applications, asking someone out. Why be afraid? When things scare me I think of how I could have lost my life but I didn’t and nothing else seems scary or too hard to face. I am not going to let any opportunity pass by without giving it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? Embarassment? Disapointment? You can handle those things. Trust me- life, love, happiness, going after your dreams- they are all well worth the risk. Life is short- live it FEARLESSLY." -Christina Zapata - article below



http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

 http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

xoxo -Lisa

feelings aren't always planned

yesterday went really well.

today was going really well.

now I am sad. It came on randomly. I'm having a hard time remembering why everything that just happened was the right decision. I need to remember somehow- maybe write it down.

sigh...


xoxo -Lisa

Sleep? what is that?

I don't know- ever since the break up- I haven't been wanting to go to sleep.

I got back from a crazy busy day around 9:30 PM- skyped with a good fiend for an hour or so

then decided to lean my entire apartment top to bottom. And then... I don't know what I've done the last 30 minutes. I know I'm tired but I just don't want to go to sleep. Maybe it's because I know when I wake up , it's another day that's added to my life without Brian. And you know what, that's okay... after speaking with my therapist ( who I've seen 4 out of the last 6 days but it's helped SO much ) I've realized that it wouldn't have worked out. We didn't have any surface problems at all but he was co dependent in the sense of always letting me do or say what I wanted probably because he was scared I'd relapse if he said otherwise ( def of co dependent ). I miss him and I have no resentment towards him. In fact right now, I'm worried about him but....I just need to stay busy...

but not too busy to where I might have a nervous break down and yeah...


xoxo -Lisa

It's not the first time

This isn't the first time i have had a relationship fail. however, it i the first time that i was coaxed into trusting to not believe my gut and believe that people can change and grow up- that they aren't always what they were in the past. i still do believe that. Just no longer in my particular situation.

Everything you promised you wouldn't do again- well- almost identically- it's happening and I can't even bring myself to resent you for it. fuck me.

Just for those of you that are worried, i'm safe, I'm fine- whatever, I'm not planning on jumping in front of a train-I am however happy that they are replacing the old dominic's at DePaul with a whole foods. Random? Sorry- that's how my mind goes.  But right now- I wish I could be angry but I can't. And I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every damn night. FUCKING SICK OF IT. and if my parents happen to be reading this for some reason  ( which I hope they haven't found this blog but who knows)- going home- moving home for a bit- how is that going to help? I'll just fall asleep crying in Indiana where I have no support other than family instead of Chicago where I have way more friends than I originally thought.

 xoxo -Lisa

I never know...

I just found this randomly on an unpublished post I had written- this as written about 2 months ago.

[It seems strange that there are so many things that I just forget / don't think about and then they randomly pop up into my head. My head is all over the place and I've been trying to just muffle it all out with binging on tv shows on netflix/hulu or just other places where I can watch them.

School has started and that means I have a lot of things that I should be doing/reading and yet- I just can't bring myself to full do any of it. I don't want to is part of the problem. I'm tired and just want to sleep for months. Who is to say I'm not suicidal anymore? I've just resigned to needing to live for others. Nothing for myself- I don't know why I would live for myself- still. Not sure. ]

and that last sentence has rang true for ... as long as I can remember and the more people I lose in my life- the less I feel I need to stay okay for.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm not sure anymore

My brain is foggy.

My guard was let down- I wouldn't change anything

First off, I haven't updated in a ridiculous amount of time so if anyone is still even reading this- I apologize for my absence. I really do think I will continue to update/process through this alot more.

Life has been and is good. It really is.I let my guard down and most of you readers/friends know how hard that is for me- and well, I got hurt.I cried for god knows how long. Eventually ( obviously ), I stopped- talked to a good friend of mine that I've known since high school- who also happens to live a few blocks away now. She stated a lot of facts- objective facts that really helped me. When two people aren't on the same page or potentially almost in different books: you're going to have problems and the inevitable will happen- unless someone changes drastically and I don't think that's fair to either party

My 10 months ( which might not seem long to some ) relationship that I had a lot of hope in ended- almost exactly 48 hours ago. We talked things out- I got the closure I needed even if that meant hearing answers that I KNEW would hurt and yes, they did. A LOT. But, it needed to be said for me to be able  to focus on other things and not wonder "what ifs" because those two damn words can drive anyone nuts.

It's weird because I have random moments of just being ready to burst into tears but I have moments already where I realize that I am glad to have my weekends free to hang out with certain friends and to get to know them better. But, then I felt bad for liking that. I do however, foresee a wide range of emotions coming on soon..


For the first time in my life where I lost someone that played a huge role in it- I don't regret anything- I don't regret letting him in, I don't regret believing him ( even if in the end it didn't work out because I know he really wanted to believe himself as well ). If I had the choice to do it all again knowing the exact outcome- I wouldn't change a thing because our good memories were SO good that I don't have any desire to ever erase them. I can't even remember many bad memories...at all- except the break up but even my friends have stated- this is one of the smoothest break ups she's ever seen.

The picture on the right seems very sad at first glance and yet to me it is positive. Also, this caption speaks a lot to me- especially at this moment in my life.

Life happens- I don't have much  more advice then- go with what happens and attempt to learn and grow.

xoxo -Lisa

Something to live by

Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you.

xoxo -Lisa

I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic

I know it's been a long time since I've updated on here. I've actually been able to live a life outside of my disorders. It's really nice. However, I do like to continue to take time out of my day to make sure that I'm still on the right path and that I'm still involved within the recovery community. So, in regards to that- I've been absent on here way too long and I do apologize. I also apologize for not keeping up with all the other blogs that I used to follow. I will do my best to catch up.

Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I did a bit of an experiment last year. I made a Youtube Video ( click to watch )  where I talked about how I felt about the concept of wanting to be anorexic. Not exactly the same as pro-ana but just the "decision" to be anorexic. Well, the experiment part was what I titled the video- I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic- I wanted to see if this video got more hits than my other videos and holy shit did it. It currently is the most watched video on my channel with over 5,000 views. And over a year later ( one month ago ) I made a follow up video to see if the same thing would happen. And- big surprise ( sarcasm ) - the same thing happened. So far, I've accumulated about 1,100 hits and it's still rising faster than my other videos.

This is just a concept that saddens me. I am very aware of this issue. However, even though I am aware and familiar with this - it still brings up some strong emotions in me. I'm not going to lie- at one point in my early teenage years, I wanted to lose weight and "do the whole anorexia" thing. However, that didn't last long. By the time that my eating disorder literally had a hold on me- I had no choice-it wasn't "doing the whole anorexia thing"- it was the "fuck, this sucks thing". My eating disorder sneaked up on me. When I was focusing on losing weight and restricting "like I saw in the movies ( mostly lifetime ones that I will not name )" - I don't believe I was anorexic/eating disordered. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I was still in control. And then, life happened and I got distracted and stressed and that is when the eating disorder took over. Not by choice- not by intent- it just happened. I remember at Timberline Knolls, I told my dietician there that "I wish I had never purged the first time, etc" and she told me- well it would have come out in some for or another eventually. I'm not saying that eating disorders are a per-determined illness and that there is no way to prevent it if you have the right "genetic and environmental set up" but she had a point. With everything being the way that it was/had been- I would have ended up in some sort of dilemma revolving food at some point. Yes, could it have been prevented from getting as bad as it did? I'm sure it could have. I truly believe the saying that is something like this- nature loads the gun and the environment can pull the trigger- that's not the quote verbatim but you get the picture.

I've been pretty active on Instagram  (guo791999 if you want to find me ) lately and the overwhelming profiles and posts that are "pro-ana/mia/suicide/self harm" is alarming. However, it's not any more than there used to be. It's just using a different interface now. It is now more accessible to people but we shouldn't forget that this concept has been around for decades if not longer. It used to be all over Xanga, Livejournal, other forums and websites. Now, it's just active through Tumblr and Instagram instead. It's a sad thought and I hate that my hypothesis was correct in what would happen by titling my two videos "I want to be anorexic" but it is what it is and I truly believe that these ideas and concepts are part of human nature and no matter what is done/blocked/etc- it WILL find a way to surface in some other form.

So, I'll leave you with just a simple message that I'm sure you've seen/heard/might be sick of but I'm saying it anyway-stay strong- things do get better. It takes time- but recovery is possible. 


xoxo
Lisa

An unfamiliar trigger...

I've been triggered by many things- proana websites, thinspo, instagram, facebook, the internet, etc- however- my biggest trigger has always been- MYSELF.

But- I've stumbled across a new trigger- one I've never TRULY had. STABILITY- the one thing I've wished for for years upon years. I've always just wished things would settle down- that things would stop being so hectic - etc. AND NOW THINGS ARE STABLE.

I am 25- on a career path where it seems suitable and I enjoy it ( teaching- hopefully I'll be in a program to get my masters in secondary education soon )- in a healthy stable serious relationship. DARE I SAY- MY LIFE IS ...PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. This is what I've wanted This is what I used to always say I wanted.

I walked into therapy Monday - my therapist when she asked me how things have been- I told her this "I am bored" and she asks me what is boring and I reply- my life. I am used to things being utter complete chaos. I am used to never knowing what will happen to me tomorrow or when the next time I was going to have a break down would be. I am used to having almost NO control over my emotions. I'm ... none of these things anymore. Well- realistically I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow but it's no longer in a- I might die tomorrow type of way.

Life is moving forward for me- I have a plan. An achievable one this time - on that doesn't involve me losing [x] amount of pounds. Instead it involves me moving forward and having a real big girl career in something I truly do enjoy ( newsflash : I REALLY do like my job in teaching college prep ) and moving forward in a healthy way in my personal life. This is me growing up. This is scary shit guys. However- I need to remember- this is WHAT IS NORMAL- COMMON- everyone needs to go through it. I need to normalize what it is that is going on and realize- this is positive. But- there's that small nagging voice in the back of my head that just wants me to sabotage everything and go back to the familiar hospital/treatment/relapse state of life. However- a friend asked me if I was in risk of relapse and my answer was that as much as I sometimes wish I were in risk of relapse- I'm really not. Despite the disorder's best efforts- I'm still moving forward.

xoxo -Lisa

Looking back... changed role in recovery and life

It's been well over a month- almost 2 since I've updated here. Looking back and just reading my past posts, I've realized what I had forgotten. I remember always telling friends and even myself when things were difficult that nothing stays the same for long.

Last year around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.

Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit, working part time, looking into getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.

My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover.  Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.

Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things be that okay. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay. This okay feeling will just continue. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be.


xoxo -Lisa

My room is a mess and so is my head

I left this morning at 9AM to go to therapy and then I ended up out all day. I'm so exhausted. My room is a fucking wreck. There are clothes everywhere and my stuffed animals are all over my room. I always get irritated and overwhelmed when my room is messy and that makes me NOT want to pick up my shit. I just want to scream.

I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but my therapist isn't sure that I have it. She said- she knows immediately when she is interacting with someone with bpd and she doesn't get that feeling with me. Especially because my behaviors act up with intimate relationships. I can control my emotions to a much better degree in other relationships. So- intimacy issues now- great. We're working having me learn how to control my emotions in intimate relationships. How to breathe and take a step back before reacting. If I had done that...I probably ... wouldn't...be... in the situation I'm in  right now.

I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted  to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT.  However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.

So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)

My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.

xoxo -Lisa
 

Wait...Recovery Loading...

The week was rough, to put it lightly. I went down to Emory ( my alma mater ) and spoke to a group of college students about my journey to recovery and what I believe can help others. I spoke about recovery.  It's different this time. I want recovery.

I've been speaking about that a lot lately with others. Through whatever social media site it is- it's amazing to know that my experience can mean something to someone else. It still astounds me when someone tells me that I touched their lives. However, I love it when people send me emails or messages saying that I've touched their lives and they appreciate what I've said. Frankly, sometimes I don't remember certain conversations I had with someone and they thank me for what I said months later. These are the things that keep me going - with this blog and my YT channel. These are the things that help me push through the hard days when there is a camera shoved in my face ( for the documentary). These are the things that truly are helping me want to live again and have a future. So, for those of you who have contacted me- thank you. SO MUCH. It also goes the other way around. Other people can just say the smallest thing and it can make such a huge difference to me. I thank everyone who has listened to me bitch, cry, scream and just rant and speak. Emotions...yeah- that's a new concept to me. I can finally cry again after months of not being able to. 

However, sometimes I feel like such a fucking fraud. Yes, I know- recovery isn't perfect. There will be lapses, hiccups and A LOT of screw ups along the way. However, I feel like I should be doing better. I worry that people see me as someone who is doing better than I actually am. I fuck up. A LOT. I'm far from being recovered. I'm fighting harder than I have before. A lot harder and that's what matters to me- I just don't want anyone to have a false impression of me.

I am human. I am recovering from an eating disorder- I have a TON of work left to do in therapy. I see myself being in therapy for quite a few more years if not longer. I have so much work left to do. Thinking about it sometimes is just overwhelming. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I just want to be honest with everyone about who I am and where I am in my recovery. I am 27 days self harm free and 3 days purge free. I can't say I'm following my meal plan to a T but I'm trying to get in the nutrition I need. I'm doing what I can for now and I have a long way to go. But I am going to do it. I'm going to make it. Why? Because I want to.

xoxo -Lisa

Someday I'll Be Okay Trailer

'Someday I'll Be Okay' is a documentary that follows 25 year old Lisa (ME!!!) on her path to recovery from an eating disorder after leaving the safety of residential treatment for the "real" world. 

If this trailer touches you in any way, please, please consider becoming a funder through our indiegogo campaign. We can't do this without you.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/someday-i-ll-be-okay-documentary/x/2247779

xoxo -Lisa

Going back to Timberline Knolls

March 1st 2013- It's a Friday morning at Lemont, IL- about 9:30 and after taking a few lost turns- I was walking into the admissions building at renowned treatment center Timberline Knolls.  I had discharged from Timberline Knolls (TK) exactly 5 months ago on October 1st. I have already been called a veteran in eating disorder treatment. Why was I returning to the same treatment center I had spent almost 4 months of my life? For once, not because I had relapsed but I was back- as an alumni- a guest. One that was now shooting a documentary following her recovery process- Someday I'll Be Okay (SIBO)- and one that had been invited from the alumnae coordinator to be part of an alumni panel as an ending event for NEDAwareness Week.

I was given a guest sticker- before I even got a chance to stick it to my shirt- I heard my name being called- I turned around and it was the alumnae coordinator-Jena Morrow-( talented author, singer, etc http://www.jenamorrow.com ) and one of the eating disorder specialists that had led some of the groups I was in. I turned around and immediately was given a huge hug. Of course I wasn't going to turn down a hug from someone I really looked up to and liked. Afterwards, I was led to Dr. Kim's (Kimberly Dennis ) office- but not as a resident- as someone who was helping with the SIBO interview that she had agreed to do. Then we got a chance to interview Jena as well. She was then amazing enough to escort us around campus.

Jena and I

Later I would go to the art studio and was given a chance to mod-podge as I used to twice a week as a resident. Art therapy was one of my favorite groups at TK and other than process group- the only group I never missed. Not once. In fact, I went to every open art group that I could go to as well- which meant I was at the art studio around 3x a week. TK's art studio is amazing and one of the few art studios in the country ( for treatment ) where there is so much to do and one is allowed to do whatever they chose. Art was a group where I could just breathe and process things throughout a different venue. I made some things in art that were truly personal. I had a bad habit at first or rushing through things so I could have a finished project by the end of each session. I eventually learned to slow things down, breathe and be okay leaving the art studio without a finished project in my hands. I learned a lot of things in that room which apparently was an old barn heh. Every resident is given a clear stone with a word painted on it by their art therapist. When I left, I was given a stone with the word trust. I walked into TK not trusting anyone- I had the belief that I would be there long enough to "fix" myself. IE- learn how to want to live again- and then leave. I didn't intend to make friends, connect or gain any weight ( oh was I wrong- about all of them, especially the last one hah )

We were then escorted by Jena around campus and we filmed at a few places. It was nice because nothing was staged. The screen shots that we got were all candid. The conversations I had with Jena weren't even prompted. I just had a great time bonding with her. She seriously is a great support as well as just all around- a fun person.

Bridge at Timberline Knolls ( this was NOT staged- we're just that awesome)

After that was the alumni panel. That wasn't all that eventful. I was lucky enough to see my friend Maddie there. I haven't seen her since I had left TK in October. Seeing her was amazing and nostalgic. On top of that nostalgia- seeing some of the staff members that really made a difference in my life also hit me harder than I thought. I was sitting up in the dining hall with a bunch of eyes on me ( well that and on crochet hooks...[inside TK story] ) when I got an overwhelming urge to burst into tears because I was jealous of the girls that were wearing their pajamas holding weird looking white hats and carrying around a Timberline Knolls tote. I still have the tote, in fact, I have it with me right now but I don't use it to carry around the blanket or scarf I'm crocheting. Oh yeah- and the notes I got from group... but mostly yarn. I just got really emotional but I couldn't exactly burst into tears while on an alumni panel. Afterwards- I ran towards the staff members that really made a difference in my life and basically tackle hugged them. They told me how proud they were of me and that put a huge smile to my face. I gave Maddie a hug and I left campus. This time in a car heading towards my apartment in Chicago. Last time I left TK was in a big white van heading towards transitional living in Chicago. Things have changed. A LOT.

I spent about an hour later that night crying because I missed TK so much. However, going back to TK really helped remind me why I wanted to get better when I left. I wanted to go back and work at TK. I forgot about that goal. Well, not forgot but it had become a distant thought. It's back on the forefront. I had been struggling for the last few days about if all this hard work regarding recovery is worth it- if I was in recovery or relapse or just limbo. I haven't been perfect  lately- in fact- far from it. My body image is down the shithole. I haven't been sober of all behaviors but yet- I have more good days than bad days. That's what matters.

As long as the trend of having more good days than bad days continues- I'm okay with it. I do want to go back to TK- however, not as a resident- I want to go back as an alumni for a while- and then hopefully, if it's still what I wish to do in the future, as part of the staff.

I miss Timberline Knolls, I can't deny that. Timberline Knolls changed my life- in fact- saved my life.

Going back with a guest badge- not going to lie- it seems surreal. But it's not. I am now a guest, an alumni- I am no longer a patient. It is not a place I need to be anymore. I needed it at one point. In fact, if I hadn't had it- I don't know where I would be.

For now though- I will stick with what it is I have. It's working for me. I just need to breathe more and stay in the present.

xoxo -Lisa

Getting to where I am now in my eating disorder recovery

February 24th-March 1st is NEDAwareness (National Eating Disorder Association ) Week. These year's theme is "Everybody Knows Somebody" I'm going to share part of my story below. There are a few very personal things about my life that I have never mentioned online (whether it be through here or youtube).

8 treatment centers. 1 ICU stay. 1 hospital stay. This has been my last 3 years. My name is Lisa Guo. I am 24 and a 2010 graduate from Emory University. I worked hard throughout all 16 years of my schooling. However, I haven't been able to put this hard earned degree to good use. Instead, I spent the last 3 years after my graduation in and out of treatment for an eating disorder. I can't remember a time in my life where food wasn't at least on the back of my mind. My first behavior started at age 14 and it's been a spiral ever since then. Up until 2010- my behaviors were consistently inconsistent- from 2010 to 2012- my behaviors were out of control.

I was admitted to my first treatment center fresh out of graduation from college in June of 2010. Everything since then has been treatment, a job I never kept because I had to go back into treatment and the cycle just repeated. I soon realized that it was either recovery or death.

Death didn't scare me at this point. I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts for quite some time and honestly at times, death seemed like to be the best option

In May of 2012 I got accepted into a masters program for clinical mental health counseling. Irony huh? It was also in May that I got an abortion and a DUI. A few days after my arrest I decided that if I were dead, things would be easier for everyone around me. I didn't see it as a selfish act- instead as me being selfLESS. I had been hoarding my medication for a long time as a safety blanket. I impulsively took as many as I could and laid down on my bathroom floor ready for the struggle to be over. I woke up a few days later in the ICU.

I spent the next week or so re-learning how to walk and basically every necessary motor skill to stay alive. The one thing I didn't learn was how to nourish my body. I was then shipped off to treatment AGAIN. I had promised myself to never have to go back to treatment however, this time- I had no choice. I was admitted to Timberline Knolls in Chicago and spent the first month angry and frustrated that I was alive. However after spending 4 months there and then 3 months stepping down levels of treatment. This time discharging was different than the other 7 times- I left behavior free and with motivation to recover. This was a new concept to me.

I am ready to live my life and I no longer want to die. A big part of my recovery has been advocacy and being active in the recovery community. I learned that the recovery community welcomes everyone with open arms. I had been making youtubevideos and blogging about my recovery for a few years, so I was aware of how supportive the online community was. However, just like any other community- there were triggers and it was something I had to watch out for. But, I had never really looked into the REAL life recovery community. Since then, I have become involved with Project Heal and am taking part in a documentary called "Someday I'll Be Okay" that will hopefully be out and ready to view by NEDAwareness Week next year in 2014.

Being active in the community has helped me realize that there is hope, there are success stories out there and that it IS possible. For the longest time, I didn't think recovery was for me- I just thought I wasn't strong enough and that others could do it but me- no, I was terminally unique and just wasn't strong enough. However, I was wrong - I AM strong enough. Since realizing this- I have been invited to be a speaker in an event on Emory's campus to share my story and help spread hope about recovery and am taking part in an alumni panel for Timberline Knolls. These amazing opportunities are things I had only dreamed of doing and now that I have the chance- I am taking them and not looking back. Now that I have seen a little bit of recovery, I want more of it. All of the trauma, pain, struggle and fighting has been worth it. I don't regret and wouldn't take back anything that I've been through no matter how painful it was/is because I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have an amazing story to share and I wouldn't have the self awareness that I do.

It has been a long and intense journey these last few years. I have had a lot of help and support. I have gained many friends and at the same time- lost many friends but in the end- as I said before- it has all been worth it. Recovery is worth it and it IS possible. Hope is out there- I just had to believe it and want it. I know I will be fighting for a long time- potentially the rest of my life. I am no longer dreading this fight but ready to take it on full force with the knowledge that I can win in the end. 

 

1 out of every 2 people know someone struggling with a eating disorder or are struggling themselves. So in honor of this year's theme ( Everybody Knows Somebody )- to everyone out there- if you know someone who is struggling- give them a hug, let them know you believe in them and support them through their fight. If you are currently in the fight, given up for now or feel like giving up- know that you're worth it, people believe in you ( even if you don't think so ) and that there is HOPE and that recovery is possible.

xoxo -Lisa