I feel like shit. My head hurts, I've been dizzy all day. So great, now physically and emotionally I feel like shit. OKAY- sign - EAT MORE LISA. Okay, so I tell myself that and I have eaten an embarrassing amount. In my opinion anyway. I have these days every once in a while. I spend the entire morning and early afternoon restricting and honestly most of the time- I feel okay but then there are those days-- those dreaded days that I FEEL LIKE SHIT and so I just start eating and I keep thinking that if I eat I'll feel better. I feel like I'm on an all day binge in a way. But, I'm eating "safe" foods except...I did just eat my sole comfort Lisa food- pop tarts... and as I said above in my video... I am not really in a place to challenge myself. I felt as if my reach up the cabinet was an autopilot thing and since I had already felt as if I had been on a binge all day- the last challenge food...did it for me. So the after action felt very autopilot as well. FAIL. After purging, I always tell myself I'm not going to do this anymore while Nancy is gone- I can't promise myself forever so that's my timeline for now.
well...shit.
I can keep telling myself- pick yourself back up and start over - not tomorrow not later tonight but right now. Well... easier said than done. I can say- no more purging today and as I've emphasized before- I DO NOT ENJOY IT...i enjoy the empty feeling after and i guess that's why once I start- i seem to have to go all the way... but afterwards...like now- I AM NOT LIKING MYSELF.
I'm definitely having a hard time using my coping mechanisms right now... the only one I can truly remember is to avoid triggering things, which I did most of the day. I even made it out of Kroger safely...
All I can really do at the moment is remind myself the last time I purged was Christmas ( I think ) so that was 5 days ago- practically a week. So, unless my memory has got shot to hell...I made it 5 days. that's a success....
xoxo -Lisa
ah girl you are so cute :D haha..
ReplyDeletebut anyway lol now that i made things awkward...
yeah you're right..
food doesn't make us happy..
because with you and me, we will tend to binge..
then feel like crap for doing it and purge it all anyway.
so it's good you realize all that i think...
but yeah, this probably won't help the littlest
bit with the not liking yourself, but you are very pretty!
I used to feel the same way when I abused laxatives. I would swallow a shit-load (no pun intended) and then immediately hate myself. I'd always promise myself that I wouldn't buy another box, but, as you said, easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteBut! I haven't abused laxatives since I left uni in March. So I think there is hope for us all. And five days is a long time. I'm glad your at least giving yourself some credit for that.
Happy new year, Lisa!
Wishing you well,
NOS
Five days without purging IS a success! Good job!
ReplyDelete