When is enough enough?

Is it ever enough? Is it possible to be addicted to instability? I hate it but I feel bored without it. Maybe it's just because I need summer to be over. I need more things to do.

I'm tired and exhausted physically but mentally ... I'm stable and frankly, bored. Happy but ... bored. I wouldn't change anything. But even the madness going on between my therapist and I have calmed down... for now.

xoxo -Lisa

Thinking....who/what/where am I?

As my last post obviously stated , my posts have been far and inbetween but I've been thinking of posting more. I've been struggling right now and I am wondering if blogging again might help.

 I had a family member passed the day after Christmas. That was in a way, the one thing that pushed me into a rut. It wasn't just that but that was a definite trigger point. I knew that something had been off kilter for a while. It took me a while to bring it up with my therapist because I didn't know WHY. My therapist was my family therapist at Timberline Knolls, she now has her own private practice. I am truly blessed to have her as a therapist. How many individual therapists have both seen you individually, understands my family system and has seen me interact with groups of people. Answer: not many. But, I always want to now WHY. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY AM I STRUGGLING TODAY? WHY DID I HAVE A LAPSE? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? However, this quote below by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

So, just keep doing swimming /walking and living because someday- things will fall into place and you'll find those answers. 

This ....episode? lapse? I don't know what to call it has been the most similar to how I felt before TK. YET, I know that I will pull through it. It's such a diabolical issue to me.
   
xoxo -Lisa

CAN I JUST ASK ONE FAVOR FROM YOU?

I really just have one request right now: I have noticed that somehow people are reading my blog again or people I now know have found it . People who have known me PAST my struggle and weren't aware/part of it.

 SO,

PLEASE NOTE THE DATE of the entry. 

I haven't updated regularly at all this last year...or really the year before that. So, yes- a lot of this blog is me struggling and trying to figure things out. Which, I am still doing but figuring out who you are- it's a life long journey AND it isn't easy ( Thus, struggle ).

So, before you make any judgements about ME - 

WHO I AM NOW ON

NOVEMBER 18, 2014 at exactly 6:53 PM (now it is 7:13 actually...because I kept writing...)

 but

 NOTE THE DATE AND YEAR OF THE ENTRY. 

the entry might be the 14th entry (not counting this one) and thus, seem like it happened recently when in reality... ( I don't know what my 14th entry is....*going to go look it up*  ) this 14th entry- it's actually a good one- go read it lol    AUGUST 27, 2013 - so OVER A YEAR AGO. So, if I were updating regularly (like a good blogger would.... sorry guys...) then the 14th entry might be the entry from 2 weeks ago ( if I updated daily ) or 3,4,5 weeks...etc....You get my point- just look at the date.

BUT- THAT ENTRY IS ACTUALLY A REALLY POWERFUL ONE IN MY OPINION.  <--link so go read it haha.

So, please my lovely lovely soldiers in recovery - or just someone reading my blog- please note the date of the entry. 

TODAY  -this is me - I am at my stable goal weight and have been for about a year if not more- am sober of all behaviors- have my emotions stabilized -  AND GUESS WHAT- THAT IS JUST THE RECOVERY PART OF ME.

TODAY- -this is also me- I am 26 and I live in Chicago with 2 cats. I am a graduate student getting my Masters of Secondary Education to teach high school science. I AM A FRIEND, DAUGHTER, SISTER, AND ANYTHING ELSE I WANT TO BE.

ENDGAME HERE : I AM FREE.

xoxo -Lisa

Eating Disorders and My identity

I really don't update here much (obviously) and it's mostly....that I've built a life for myself outside of my eating disorder and other stuff. I didn't really do it on purpose in a way..

AND I think that is what recovery is- leaving the eating disorder/other disorders behind and make a life for yourself - an identity that is just YOU.  And when it happens when you don't even really realize it- that is the goal....

I update my instagram a lot : username - blowsofmercy


xoxo -Lisa

*mindblown*

For personal reasons I just blog stalked myself. Jesus Christ/holy shit/ wtf  is all I have to say.

Also: why does defragging your computer take so damn long? It's on 3% and it's been defragging for a good few hours...

But back to the original point- there's some crap written here that I had 100% forgotten about and one post from 1.5 years ago in particular I am going to have to be reading to a certain therapist of mine...


xoxo -Lisa

I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got

The quote in the title is a pretty depressing thought isn't it? Yet, it's so incredibly true...it's terrifying how true this is.

It encompasses my entire last decade or so of my life. I was speaking with a friend earlier this week about how eating disorders or just any sort of addiction - it lures you in. It tells you that that's the solution to everything and that life will be better with it around.

And you know what? FOR A WHILE IT IS. For a while, my eating disorder, depression and whatever the hell else- it kept me alive because that was the only way I knew how to cope with the pain I felt. I've written thank you good bye letters to my eating disorder god know how many times. yet, I  don't know how sincere they were because I knew what I was supposed to write so I wrote it. But, I never gave it up - I still felt like I have control over it and that I could function and use it to better my life- to find that "peace of mind" - I wanted to know in my head that I was a hard worker and had something to show for it. I wanted to be valuable and useful - to myself- and of course others but others say all sorts of things and yes, they are flattering but I want to have peace within myself. I want all the"skeletons" to shut up and I want to just know that I am valuable. But, did tearing my body apart in more ways than one achieve that? NO. Did the pain of things that have happened to me/that I did to myself go away? Nope, I numbed them out- but that also numbed me out. It wasn't a win win. It wasn't a way to live.

"So when the pain of your mistakes keeps you awake,
And all your skeletons rattle in the chains,
Intoxicated by the fear and the flames,
There's paranoia in your veins." - Lying to the mirror - Gabrielle Aplin

I promise this song isn't as dark as these last few lyrics

It wasn't until almost a year ago when I was thinking about all the goals I set out to reach- goals that I knew would deine me- and how many of them I reached...

The first one that came to mind was

1. Reach the double digits in how much I weighed in lbs. DONE.

So....did weighing 89lbs calm my brain down and convince my that I am a hard worker and can reach goals when I set my mind out to do it? NO. It didn't do shit. All it did was make my memory foggy, my brain unable to function at the best of it's ability and land me back in treatment for the 8th time.

All I wanted- for a long time...and still even now- I want something to show for the hard work that I do- whether it is for school, job or otherwise and to me... one easy way to do that was- oh hey, I'll lose weight and I can literally see the numbers on the scale go down to prove to myself that the work I am doing is paying off. I needed to validate to myself, that my work ethic could be shown- so that I COULD mean something to someone and more importantly, myself and my family. But the family issue- that's for another time ( maybe )

So, here is where one might ask- why not do it via school?? Well, I grew up where it was expected of me to do well. So, doing well wasn't a validation= instead it was pressure. And because it's how I was brought up to think, I just worked hard because it was expected of me. I still, to this day, struggle with letting go of letting grades run my life and define me. Still working on that one. 

BUT it's sad that my biggest goal in life for years was to reach at the most 99lbs. Funny how one day the goal was 99 and a month or so later- maybe not even that long- 100 lbs seemed so daunting and ridiculous that I never wanted to be there again. Funny how quick things can change. 

So, what gives me peace of mind now? I know destroying my body didn't work and now I'm dealing with the consequences of that now and it's hell. 

So, once again, what gives me peace of mind now? It's quite simple actually.

The I have an identity outside of "Lisa with an eating disorder" 

AND IT FEELS AMAZING.

yet, I'm not going to lie- sometimes I miss it. I'll never forget it and I'll never forget what it did to me and I'll never stop helping others or sharing my story but the ending of my story is slowly changing- it's slowly evolving into recovery...not just- I want recovery and I'm really working hard at it. While I am doing those thing, I am also building a life for myself, one I don't want to lose. If I relapse, I lose it. It's that simple. Yet, someone told me recently "You have absolutely not reason to be depressed" That is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard in my life. Depression and other mental struggles or just emotions in general- they are valid. All emotions are subjective. I might look like everything is perfectly together and there's really nothing REAL for me to worry about. Yes, I am grateful for a lot of things I have but..there's still part of me that is hurting so I have reason to feel whatever the hell I am feeling and so are you. 

There are certain things I feel one should never have to justify to others because they're deeply personal.

1.weight

2.emotion

3.relationships

I've grown a lot in the past 3 years. I don't take shit nor do I play games. I've done it in the past and I've been wishy washy and unsure about things but I am not running towards trains wrecks nor am I allowing myself to get walked all over. There are thing sin my past ( keyword :PAST ) that some people don't want to deal with- which is perfectly fine by me.  I've known for years that I'm the type of person that someone likes or dislikes- I don't get much of an in between. I've been told I can be intimidating...which I find hilarious because- yes, I'm not shy but I hope to god I'm not scary... oh well, another thing to work on..

But, let's face it- I've been neglecting this blog for the last year. I've just been randomly popping in and out to babble about random stuff. So, I've probably lost a ton of readers but that's not what this blog is about. If you're reading- I hope this somehow helps or at least entertained you in some way. But, this blog is for me. It's a way for me to relect and I should reflect more often...maybe I'll stop by more often...who knows? Or maybe I'll journal in my actual journal more. I don't know. That's something I'm learning to do - just go with it. Obviously don't throw myself into an oncoming train wreck- but just go with things.

Well, I had more to say but my cat just took a shit in the litter box and it smells horrible so I'm going to go remove that shit from my apartment. No pun intended

xoxo -Lisa

Exactly 365 days ago...

I was randomly scrolling through my blog looking for something and instead found something from this entry on my blog (it’s below as well)  --- I have gone through and crossed out what is no longer true and what is now different is in bold. Life has changed a lot and yet not that much and time has also gone by surprisingly fast.
365 days ago, I wrote...

" Last year TWO YEARS AGO around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.

Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit laying in my bed alone on a Friday night and being 98.65% okay with it., working part time a full time student, looking into ACTUALLY getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.

My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend someone who has learned to love herself, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover.  Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.

Chicago sunset taken by me on 5/11/14

Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay things ARE okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things might change and not be that okay, the okay that I’ve faught so hard for. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay and will be no matter what. This okay feeling will just has continued. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be."

It’s been 365 days- things have changed a lot more than what I can write down here and yet, things haven’t changed that much at all and for once- that is a good thing. I was in a good place on May 16, 2013 and you know what? It is May 16, 2014 and I am still in a good place. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to say - That ONE YEAR later, I am still in a good place. 

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IS THAT –one very important role in my life has not changed- I AM STILL NO LONGER PLAYING THE SICK ONE- however, other roles in my life have changed - and relationships have changed as well. I have loved and lost a serious relationship but I've built a love for myself instead. I have changed boyfriends ( the current one is a bit elusive to say the least hah. Joke? Did anyone get it? ) , therapists, apartments and friendships have somewhat changed. I still live in the gorgeous city of Chicago and I'm finally learning my way around (1 year later..) and where the beautiful spots by the lake are. 

"The marks humans leave are too often scars"

I admit, I haven't read a single John Green book- however, I have watched many of his videos on the VlogBrothers Youtube channel :)  but I really love his quotes... just felt like this was a good/appropriate time to share these quotes...
 

xoxo -Lisa

Why Be Afraid?

 "Although painful to look back on I share some of my story with the hopes that it helps someone. I would not wish this struggle on my worst enemy but at the same time I am grateful that I went through this in some way. When you go through a life threatening circumstance so young in life it humbles you. It makes you realize you have a second shot at life- don’t waste it. I learned a lot about myself recovering and I mostly learned to not be afraid in life. Things we think are so big: job interviews, college applications, asking someone out. Why be afraid? When things scare me I think of how I could have lost my life but I didn’t and nothing else seems scary or too hard to face. I am not going to let any opportunity pass by without giving it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? Embarassment? Disapointment? You can handle those things. Trust me- life, love, happiness, going after your dreams- they are all well worth the risk. Life is short- live it FEARLESSLY." -Christina Zapata - article below



http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

 http://consciousmagazine.co/national-eating-disorder-awareness-month/

xoxo -Lisa

feelings aren't always planned

yesterday went really well.

today was going really well.

now I am sad. It came on randomly. I'm having a hard time remembering why everything that just happened was the right decision. I need to remember somehow- maybe write it down.

sigh...


xoxo -Lisa

Sleep? what is that?

I don't know- ever since the break up- I haven't been wanting to go to sleep.

I got back from a crazy busy day around 9:30 PM- skyped with a good fiend for an hour or so

then decided to lean my entire apartment top to bottom. And then... I don't know what I've done the last 30 minutes. I know I'm tired but I just don't want to go to sleep. Maybe it's because I know when I wake up , it's another day that's added to my life without Brian. And you know what, that's okay... after speaking with my therapist ( who I've seen 4 out of the last 6 days but it's helped SO much ) I've realized that it wouldn't have worked out. We didn't have any surface problems at all but he was co dependent in the sense of always letting me do or say what I wanted probably because he was scared I'd relapse if he said otherwise ( def of co dependent ). I miss him and I have no resentment towards him. In fact right now, I'm worried about him but....I just need to stay busy...

but not too busy to where I might have a nervous break down and yeah...


xoxo -Lisa

It's not the first time

This isn't the first time i have had a relationship fail. however, it i the first time that i was coaxed into trusting to not believe my gut and believe that people can change and grow up- that they aren't always what they were in the past. i still do believe that. Just no longer in my particular situation.

Everything you promised you wouldn't do again- well- almost identically- it's happening and I can't even bring myself to resent you for it. fuck me.

Just for those of you that are worried, i'm safe, I'm fine- whatever, I'm not planning on jumping in front of a train-I am however happy that they are replacing the old dominic's at DePaul with a whole foods. Random? Sorry- that's how my mind goes.  But right now- I wish I could be angry but I can't. And I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every damn night. FUCKING SICK OF IT. and if my parents happen to be reading this for some reason  ( which I hope they haven't found this blog but who knows)- going home- moving home for a bit- how is that going to help? I'll just fall asleep crying in Indiana where I have no support other than family instead of Chicago where I have way more friends than I originally thought.

 xoxo -Lisa

I never know...

I just found this randomly on an unpublished post I had written- this as written about 2 months ago.

[It seems strange that there are so many things that I just forget / don't think about and then they randomly pop up into my head. My head is all over the place and I've been trying to just muffle it all out with binging on tv shows on netflix/hulu or just other places where I can watch them.

School has started and that means I have a lot of things that I should be doing/reading and yet- I just can't bring myself to full do any of it. I don't want to is part of the problem. I'm tired and just want to sleep for months. Who is to say I'm not suicidal anymore? I've just resigned to needing to live for others. Nothing for myself- I don't know why I would live for myself- still. Not sure. ]

and that last sentence has rang true for ... as long as I can remember and the more people I lose in my life- the less I feel I need to stay okay for.


xoxo -Lisa

I'm not sure anymore

My brain is foggy.

My guard was let down- I wouldn't change anything

First off, I haven't updated in a ridiculous amount of time so if anyone is still even reading this- I apologize for my absence. I really do think I will continue to update/process through this alot more.

Life has been and is good. It really is.I let my guard down and most of you readers/friends know how hard that is for me- and well, I got hurt.I cried for god knows how long. Eventually ( obviously ), I stopped- talked to a good friend of mine that I've known since high school- who also happens to live a few blocks away now. She stated a lot of facts- objective facts that really helped me. When two people aren't on the same page or potentially almost in different books: you're going to have problems and the inevitable will happen- unless someone changes drastically and I don't think that's fair to either party

My 10 months ( which might not seem long to some ) relationship that I had a lot of hope in ended- almost exactly 48 hours ago. We talked things out- I got the closure I needed even if that meant hearing answers that I KNEW would hurt and yes, they did. A LOT. But, it needed to be said for me to be able  to focus on other things and not wonder "what ifs" because those two damn words can drive anyone nuts.

It's weird because I have random moments of just being ready to burst into tears but I have moments already where I realize that I am glad to have my weekends free to hang out with certain friends and to get to know them better. But, then I felt bad for liking that. I do however, foresee a wide range of emotions coming on soon..


For the first time in my life where I lost someone that played a huge role in it- I don't regret anything- I don't regret letting him in, I don't regret believing him ( even if in the end it didn't work out because I know he really wanted to believe himself as well ). If I had the choice to do it all again knowing the exact outcome- I wouldn't change a thing because our good memories were SO good that I don't have any desire to ever erase them. I can't even remember many bad memories...at all- except the break up but even my friends have stated- this is one of the smoothest break ups she's ever seen.

The picture on the right seems very sad at first glance and yet to me it is positive. Also, this caption speaks a lot to me- especially at this moment in my life.

Life happens- I don't have much  more advice then- go with what happens and attempt to learn and grow.

xoxo -Lisa

Something to live by

Feeling are ephemeral, so is life. We’re here one moment and we’re gone the next. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is every going to touch you.

xoxo -Lisa

I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic

I know it's been a long time since I've updated on here. I've actually been able to live a life outside of my disorders. It's really nice. However, I do like to continue to take time out of my day to make sure that I'm still on the right path and that I'm still involved within the recovery community. So, in regards to that- I've been absent on here way too long and I do apologize. I also apologize for not keeping up with all the other blogs that I used to follow. I will do my best to catch up.

Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I did a bit of an experiment last year. I made a Youtube Video ( click to watch )  where I talked about how I felt about the concept of wanting to be anorexic. Not exactly the same as pro-ana but just the "decision" to be anorexic. Well, the experiment part was what I titled the video- I want to be anorexic/how to be anorexic- I wanted to see if this video got more hits than my other videos and holy shit did it. It currently is the most watched video on my channel with over 5,000 views. And over a year later ( one month ago ) I made a follow up video to see if the same thing would happen. And- big surprise ( sarcasm ) - the same thing happened. So far, I've accumulated about 1,100 hits and it's still rising faster than my other videos.

This is just a concept that saddens me. I am very aware of this issue. However, even though I am aware and familiar with this - it still brings up some strong emotions in me. I'm not going to lie- at one point in my early teenage years, I wanted to lose weight and "do the whole anorexia" thing. However, that didn't last long. By the time that my eating disorder literally had a hold on me- I had no choice-it wasn't "doing the whole anorexia thing"- it was the "fuck, this sucks thing". My eating disorder sneaked up on me. When I was focusing on losing weight and restricting "like I saw in the movies ( mostly lifetime ones that I will not name )" - I don't believe I was anorexic/eating disordered. As weird as it sounds, I feel like I was still in control. And then, life happened and I got distracted and stressed and that is when the eating disorder took over. Not by choice- not by intent- it just happened. I remember at Timberline Knolls, I told my dietician there that "I wish I had never purged the first time, etc" and she told me- well it would have come out in some for or another eventually. I'm not saying that eating disorders are a per-determined illness and that there is no way to prevent it if you have the right "genetic and environmental set up" but she had a point. With everything being the way that it was/had been- I would have ended up in some sort of dilemma revolving food at some point. Yes, could it have been prevented from getting as bad as it did? I'm sure it could have. I truly believe the saying that is something like this- nature loads the gun and the environment can pull the trigger- that's not the quote verbatim but you get the picture.

I've been pretty active on Instagram  (guo791999 if you want to find me ) lately and the overwhelming profiles and posts that are "pro-ana/mia/suicide/self harm" is alarming. However, it's not any more than there used to be. It's just using a different interface now. It is now more accessible to people but we shouldn't forget that this concept has been around for decades if not longer. It used to be all over Xanga, Livejournal, other forums and websites. Now, it's just active through Tumblr and Instagram instead. It's a sad thought and I hate that my hypothesis was correct in what would happen by titling my two videos "I want to be anorexic" but it is what it is and I truly believe that these ideas and concepts are part of human nature and no matter what is done/blocked/etc- it WILL find a way to surface in some other form.

So, I'll leave you with just a simple message that I'm sure you've seen/heard/might be sick of but I'm saying it anyway-stay strong- things do get better. It takes time- but recovery is possible. 


xoxo
Lisa

An unfamiliar trigger...

I've been triggered by many things- proana websites, thinspo, instagram, facebook, the internet, etc- however- my biggest trigger has always been- MYSELF.

But- I've stumbled across a new trigger- one I've never TRULY had. STABILITY- the one thing I've wished for for years upon years. I've always just wished things would settle down- that things would stop being so hectic - etc. AND NOW THINGS ARE STABLE.

I am 25- on a career path where it seems suitable and I enjoy it ( teaching- hopefully I'll be in a program to get my masters in secondary education soon )- in a healthy stable serious relationship. DARE I SAY- MY LIFE IS ...PREDICTABLE AND SAFE. This is what I've wanted This is what I used to always say I wanted.

I walked into therapy Monday - my therapist when she asked me how things have been- I told her this "I am bored" and she asks me what is boring and I reply- my life. I am used to things being utter complete chaos. I am used to never knowing what will happen to me tomorrow or when the next time I was going to have a break down would be. I am used to having almost NO control over my emotions. I'm ... none of these things anymore. Well- realistically I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow but it's no longer in a- I might die tomorrow type of way.

Life is moving forward for me- I have a plan. An achievable one this time - on that doesn't involve me losing [x] amount of pounds. Instead it involves me moving forward and having a real big girl career in something I truly do enjoy ( newsflash : I REALLY do like my job in teaching college prep ) and moving forward in a healthy way in my personal life. This is me growing up. This is scary shit guys. However- I need to remember- this is WHAT IS NORMAL- COMMON- everyone needs to go through it. I need to normalize what it is that is going on and realize- this is positive. But- there's that small nagging voice in the back of my head that just wants me to sabotage everything and go back to the familiar hospital/treatment/relapse state of life. However- a friend asked me if I was in risk of relapse and my answer was that as much as I sometimes wish I were in risk of relapse- I'm really not. Despite the disorder's best efforts- I'm still moving forward.

xoxo -Lisa

Looking back... changed role in recovery and life

It's been well over a month- almost 2 since I've updated here. Looking back and just reading my past posts, I've realized what I had forgotten. I remember always telling friends and even myself when things were difficult that nothing stays the same for long.

Last year around this time- I was enrolled in graduate school, living in Atlanta, numb, anorexic, engaging in risky behavior among other things.

Today- I am packed to head off to Madison, WI to go visit, working part time, looking into getting my masters in secondary education, in eating disorder recovery and my mood is incredibly more stable. For a long time, I wanted to do and achieve everything on my own because people and relationships are ephemeral. Yet, I've realized that without people in my life- it's bland, boring, lonely and I can only get so far in recovery. I have an incredibly amount of support in my life right now- sometimes more accountability that I'd like...well, my eating disorder would like but at the same time- it keeps me on track.

My role in life- mostly my own and hopefully in others as well has changed. I'm no longer playing the sick one. I am playing a friend, daughter, girlfriend, cat mother ( haha... don't judge ). Part of this has helped me grow and recover.  Realizing I am other things have motivated me and given me confidence that I can do other things as well.

Lately, I have had this feeling that with time- things will be okay. Part of this is frustrating because I am wondering why and when will things be that okay. I've also realized- that right now- I am okay. This okay feeling will just continue. Things will never be picture perfect and I don't expect it to be that way- all I want is to someday be okay...and I know I will be.


xoxo -Lisa

My room is a mess and so is my head

I left this morning at 9AM to go to therapy and then I ended up out all day. I'm so exhausted. My room is a fucking wreck. There are clothes everywhere and my stuffed animals are all over my room. I always get irritated and overwhelmed when my room is messy and that makes me NOT want to pick up my shit. I just want to scream.

I left my head this morning at never and I ended up in it all fucking day. I'm so exhausted. My head is a fucking wreck. There are thoughts and emotions flying all over the place. I'm irritated and overwhelmed and I just don't know what to do. I can't even begin to process it but I will try...let's see what happens..

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but my therapist isn't sure that I have it. She said- she knows immediately when she is interacting with someone with bpd and she doesn't get that feeling with me. Especially because my behaviors act up with intimate relationships. I can control my emotions to a much better degree in other relationships. So- intimacy issues now- great. We're working having me learn how to control my emotions in intimate relationships. How to breathe and take a step back before reacting. If I had done that...I probably ... wouldn't...be... in the situation I'm in  right now.

I'm blocked ( literally- fb wise ) from talking to one of my closest friends- someone I used to talk to multiple times a day. Yeah, I haven't spoken to him other than one email exchange in over a month. I wanted  to just email him last night and pretty much say- TALK TO MEEEEEE- I miss you...A LOT.  However, I am respecting his space and it's probably better for me too ( okay, no- definitely better for me too ). Everything ended in a giant mess. I got hurt so I "walked away"- then I turned back and changed my mind but it was too late- I had already hurt him. So- glorious- we are both hurt. Now what? FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.*side note* I was doing really well in regards to this situation and just not really letting it bother me...until yesterday- when I started getting in my head again. shit.

So, moral of the story- uh- uh...I have therapy again on Monday- I'll get back to you. heh. I just don't know where to go from here...however- I know I'll figure it out. Things seem so horrible in my head but I know in reality- I'm just really stuck in my head. Things are and will be okay...( now I have to repeat this over and over again to myself...)

My therapist from TK would be really proud of me right now- "crying Lisa didn't go away"- crying Lisa is staring at this screen right now wishing crying Lisa would go away.

xoxo -Lisa